Pet Hates

When you are as contrary as I tend to be, ‘Pet hates’ as a title is far too wide-ranging to be meaningful.  So much irritates and annoys me that one has to compartmentalize the discomfort.  So, today I will be concentrating on those elements which disturb my enjoyment of the swimming pool.  Here is the first dozen or so that spring to mind!

My Swimming Pool Hatreds

1     People who do not put their clothes away in lockers in the changing room, but leave them hanging up on hooks over the benches.  These people have what amounts to an ostentatiously proprietorial attitude to a public space.  And they limit space for changing too.

2     Other swimmers in my lane.  I know that it is inevitable that a pool with five lanes, is going to have more than five swimmers are popular times – especially when the two outer lanes are taken up with older folk doing exercises for their health or families with babies and therefore the lanes are not available for real swimming.

3      Children.

4   Single long hairs in the water.  In our pool it is obligatory for all swimmers to wear caps, except for some extraordinary reason in the summer time when the roof of the pool is open to the elements, but it is easy for the hairs to escape.  This is not resentment because I am follically challenged, and I do not really blame anyone for the hairs, it is just the disgust at feeling a hair wrap itself along your face or find its way between your fingers.  Not really logical, but the revulsion is real.

5      Clumsy swimmers splashing me.  I loathe this in a way I find difficult to explain.  The spray from another lane is a constant irritation.  This morning was a more than appalling example, where the swimmer appeared to be digging his way through the water and flinging handfuls on me!  Ugh!

6      Children.

7     Taking up too much of the bench on which towels are place before your swim.  This is a simple case of selfishness and poor consideration.

8     Children (of all ages) hanging on to and pushing the lane float line.  If you have an energetic stroke having your fingers hit the plastic floats is actually painful.  My nail ends are in a parlous enough state as it is without having the abrasion of floating plastic making them worse.  There is also the effect of clunking the buttons of your smartwatch and therefore negating the information being collected on your swim.  Information, I might add, that I do nothing whatsoever with when it is collected – but that is not the point.

9    Invading my lane.  This is mostly having to deal with people who have no idea whatsoever about when to make a move if they want to pass through a lane.  They do not seem to be able to judge speed and proximity.  They should learn!

10   Ambient music.  I am more than content with the sound of the bubbles breaking against my ears and the music of my own thoughts!

11  Men peeing with the door of the toilet open.  Do women do this in their changing room?  I think probably not.  Is this a macho sort of thing?  Whatever.  Stop it!

12  Over equipped swimmers.  Unless you are a professional (in which case you probably shouldn’t be doing your training at our pool) the only equipment you need is: costume, goggles, cap, slip-ons, towel, ear plugs.  Anything else is mere ostentation.  Some people have water bottles, plasticised sheets of their regime, flippers or fins, hand thingies and other bits and pieces.  No.

13  Cold showers.  I’ve done the exercise, I deserve the pleasure of a warm shower not the punishment of something more befitting one of the more vicious old English public schools.

14    Children 

15    Swimmers chatting in the pool at the lane end.  Pools are for swimming not talking.

16    Men who wear anything other than brief swimming costumes.  That sounds more overtly sexual than I meant it to sound.  I was only making a practical point about practical swimwear for serious swimming.  One person this morning was wearing shorts that came down to mid shin!  What next?  Full dress costume and the re-emergence of Victorian bathing machines?

And I better stop there (though there’s more, much more) because you probably get the idea!  And probably too clear an idea of my character!

Far more pressing and disturbing is the fact that our select class of language students was hit with the unwelcome news that we have an examination a week today.  That did not go down well.  Our attendance is patchy.  There should be as many as twenty students in the class, but we have never had more than a dozen at best.  I can’t imagine that the examination will encourage them to creep out of the woodwork for the ritual humiliation that attempting to speak a language you do not know brings.

To be fair our examination is only (sic.) on the first two units of the course book and has some fairly basic stuff in it – but it confuses the hell out of us anyway.  Today, for example we were doing an exercise where we had to add the ‘from’ bits to show where someone was, well, from – and we were hit with the definite article scam.  It is always amusing to hear those of a foreign inclination refer to The Big Ben having been seen on their trip to London.  In our explanations we tell the hapless non-English speakers that “We don’t say that.”  We then explain that The Houses of Parliament but Buckingham Palace; The London Eye and The Tower of London, but Piccadilly Circus and Wembley Stadium.  And we hope that clears things up!

I have now been paid back in my own coin as we have been told that India, in Catalan is actually The India and therefore the way you write things like, “He is from India” in Catalan has to include the definite article, so it becomes “He is from the India”.  O Dear!

 

Well, we have a week to get things organized in our minds before the sudden onset of bits of paper with other bits to fill in is suddenly upon us.  As I always say at this point, this week should be one of revision, of bringing to the surface those elements of language that have been drilled into my subconscious.  Real life is not like that.  There will be a week of frantic learning so that the devastation of the red marker pen is not scrawled too thoroughly on my tear-sodden paper.

-oOo-

In an act of nasty minded viciousness, someone or other has thrown a black plastic bag of rubbish into our neighbour’s front garden.  Cats and other vermin have been at the debris and it looks unsightly and insanitary.

We have no access to the garden, and our neighbours are not in residence, so I took the extreme measure of phoning the rental company to Do Something About It, as they own the building and they must have something like a duty of care.  I was assured that they would at 10.00 am this morning.  It is now 5.00 pm and the rubbish is still there.  I will keep track.

-oOo-

I feel as if I am in an R D Laing poem, where there is something I should know that I have forgotten.  I am fairly sure that there is a part of the domestic shopping list that I have not filled, but I am damned if I can remember what it is.  And there is nothing worse that endlessly going through the litany that my mother used when she was trying to remember what groceries she needed.  She always started the list with “Butter, lard, marge, sugar, eggs . . .”  And that has stayed with me. 

Its usefulness is limited as we don’t buy the first four items on the list and Toni is fully paranoid about eggs and checks the dates and is scrupulous about staying within the time limits.  I, on the other hand, am probably more flexible that I should be with sell by dates and best by dates.  Toni has never really recovered from going through my cupboards and finding items that were years out of date.  And he was insistent on his sharing his astonishment with me at each new archaeological discover that he made.  For the sake of a quiet life I allowed him to bin stuff that I would never have thrown out and would quite happily have used today.  I mean dried pasta is dried pasta – what can go off.  And anyway, some pasta is naturally green!

I have been hoping that typing will prompt my fingers in an unconscious sort of way to suddenly become possessed by the Spirit of Domesticity and reveal the item.  But, nothing!

Himself will soon be home and I am sure that as soon as he steps over the threshold it will come to me with a bump.

I can always aver that my mind is now consumed by the looming examination and I have no time for trivial things.

REVISION STARTS TONIGHT.  Unless there is a decent film on.  NO!  I will dedicate myself to the acquisition of the rudiments of the language.  I will.  I will!  A bit.

No time for 'work'!

Well, if nothing else I have done my Catalan homework.  To an outsider, I must have looked like some casually dressed general planning an invasion as I consulted double page spreads of grammatical explanations and examples, thumbed my way through my totally inadequate “easy learning” dictionary, and resorted from time to time to Google Translate on my mobile phone.  

And all of that was for a relatively easy grammatical exercise!  God help us all when we get to the rest of the declensions of the verbs!

 

Still, it gives me a sense of satisfaction to think that I am at least starting from the very depths of ignorance and any accretion of knowledge will be a bonus.  And, I have to say, that the odd words are getting through to me when I watch the Catalan television station.  Bit by bit.

This all sounds very commendable until you realize that there are students in my class who are learning Catalan after being in the country for fewer weeks than I have been here years.  And the most that I could use the language for was to ask for a cup of iced coffee!  That is, at least, in the process of changing.

-oOo-

I have had a letter from yet another hospital summoning me to yet another appointment.  Don’t get me wrong, I am more than appreciative about the way in which my thrombosis, embolisms and dicky heart have been treated – after all, I did manage to produce a chapbook based on my stay in hospital – and I am more than prepared to turn up promptly and wait while another doctor reads my details for the first time and makes a pronouncement.

This time the hospital I have to visit is in the third town away from Castelldefels along the motorway towards Barcelona, in St Boi.  We usually go to St Boi to visit the supermarkets (or ‘Sheds’ as we used to call all those large stores on Rumney Common in Cardiff along the Newport Road) and very little else.  It is, it has to be said, an unlovely place, and it is further hated by motorist commuters who have to go through a bottleneck there to change motorways.

 

For as long as I have lived in Castelldefels there have been roadworks in St Boi as the slowest road construction in the world eventually will (please god) transmogrify itself into a motorway interchange and cut out the need to navigate ever-changing temporary roads whose ineffable structure is presumably there to facilitate the building of the big new quick roads that will make the daily commute just a little less miserable.

But this deliverance is in the unknowable future, like Tantalus’s sustenance, just out of reach.  To be fair, a decade’s worth of roadworks has accomplished the moving of the traffic jams little further along the motorway, so that is something.  Not much, but you really have to experience the bone grinding futility of parts of the network of roads feeding Barcelona to be able to appreciate even the smallest amelioration.

In my darker moments (like, for example, at 6.30 am taking Toni to work because there is no public transport to get him to there for 7.00 am when he starts) I fear that I will see the completion of the Sagrada Familia before this bloody road is opened.  What makes things worse is that you can see pylons stretching emptily towards the skies that should be carrying a road bridge – they have been there so long that they are now covered with graffiti; you can gaze at empty stretches of multi-lane highway running parallel to our inefficiently winding road; you can see machines, lorries, equipment – but no people actually working on the bloody thing.

In my lighter, and therefore far more pretentious, moments, I have assumed that these ‘roadworks’ are nothing of the sort and are actually a vast piece of performance art/installation piece and as such I should be grateful that I have been able to appreciate its developing complexity over the years.

Talking of complexity, tomorrow morning should be an example of the sort of life that can only be lived by the very fortunate - or the retired.  The day starts with my staggering out of bed well before half past six, and having a cursory wash before taking Toni to work.  Returning to Castelldefels, I get to the swimming pool just as it opens at 7.00 am and have my 1,500 m swim.  By the time I am done, having had a shave and completed more thorough ablutions, the café is open so that I can have MY special cup of tea and do a little desultory writing in my ever-present note book.  

I then go directly from the pool café to Bellvitge hospital in Hospitalet de Llobregat for my monthly Control where a single drop of blood, from the tip of the middle finger of my right hand, is tested to see that the viscosity of my blood is within the limits set to encourage the disappearance (the gradual disappearance) of the thrombosis.  I am then given my schedule of rat poison (because that is what I am taking in reality, dress it up with scientific names as they might) for the next month.

Once I am released from the hospital I then make my way back to Castelldefels to go to my first Catalan lesson of the week.  At 12.30, my lesson ended, I make my way into the centre of Castelldefels to go to the framers to discuss how best to bring to concrete fruition a little idea for a ‘picture’ that I have devised.   

Its realization all depends on how much the framer’s bits and pieces that are essential to make it work, cost.  And I should have a price in my mind beyond which I will not go.  There again, ‘should’ is not ‘will’!

The afternoon can be given up to writing.  My publications are lagging behind schedule and I need to get them back on course.

-oOo-

Being up so early, I heard a healthy chunk of the Today programme on Radio 4 and therefore caught the ‘puff’ for Melvyn Bragg and the new book celebrating the twentieth anniversary of ‘In Our Time’.  I made the serious mistake of looking it up in Amazon and bought it at once!  In hardback!  It looks exactly the sort of thing that I like – with pictures!   

 I will review it in a later blog, as soon as it arrives!

Here we go again!

-->

 

Back to school after the holidays!

That statement is both true and misleading. 

It’s true that I did go to ‘school’, or rather a place of education for those beyond the normal years of childhood - which is another way of saying that I am getting Spanish lessons in an Adult Education Centre, though it also appears to have near school age pupils too.  Confusingly.  However, there I go, which brings me to the misleading part.  My present day schooling is only twice a week for two hours - rather different from my previous experience as pupil or teacher!

I might add that the level of Spanish that I am supposed to be doing means that four hours a week is more than enough for my brain to take in.

In a direct proof of the existence of the ‘hand of god’ element in my life, I somehow managed to pass last year’s course and that ‘success’ was used as a direct threat-and-proof by my teacher, so I reluctantly signed on for the higher level course this year.

My horror has been compounded week-on week by the explosion of fiendish verb tenses to which we have been introduced and which stubbornly refuse to stay in my memory.  Of course, mere lack of knowledge does not stop my chattering away in class, ignoring the greying, haggard faces that have to make sense of my enthusiastic but ungrammatical exposition in Spanish!  But there will come a time when surface loquacity will have to pass an exam, a written exam, and smiling-faced gibbering in roughly approximate Spanish will not be enough - or even acceptable.

This year, I have therefore decided, will be the Year of the Verb (YOTV) [And you could read that acronym in Spanish as ‘I Television’, he typed irrelevantly] and I have therefore been vaguely busy in trying to rationalise my learning.

I purchased (and have very rarely used) a sort of book/bible called, imaginatively, “501 Spanish Verbs” that, unsurprisingly contains 501 Spanish Verbs fully conjugated!  Who would have thought!  But wait, that is not all.  There is much, much more - none of which you would find remotely interesting unless you are engaged in the study of the language.  If you are, then this book is indispensable.  Truly.

And it is going to be the key to my groping way towards Spanish verbal acceptability.  The idea is to photocopy part of the introduction that gives a clear and understandable guide to The Seven Simple Tenses and The Seven Not So Simple (Compound) Tenses with a Mood (Imperative) and use these pages as my Daily Readings.  In this way, I am fondly hoping that mere looking will allow the grammatical delights to seep their ways into my brain and become something that I can actually use with something approaching proficiency.

This introduction also tempts with a glimpse of the forbidden pleasures of The Future Subjunctive and the Future Perfect Subjunctive. It says, “The future subjunctive and the future perfect subjunctive exist in Spanish, but there are rarely used” and that is a good enough excuse to ignore them completely, even if I actually knew what they were!

All displaced persons keep referencing their distant homes, and all I want to be able to do is say, with confidence, in Spanish: “When I was living in Cardiff” or “When I used to play badminton in the Eastern Leisure Centre” or “Having been educated in Swansea University” or “I am thinking about taking another course in the Open University in the next few years” or simply “When I was younger” etc.  As well as dreaming about saying, in Spanish something like, “If I had known what it would have been like, I possibly might have” etc.  As it is at the moment, I attempt sophisticated verb tenses but end up sounding like a Tarzan figure whom choses random parts of a grammar primer and hopes for the best.  Which is something!

This morning’s lesson played to my strengths.  It started late, didn’t have any new grammar or vocabulary and all of it comprises various students speaking and responding!  The two hours sped by, and the most concerning element in the lesson was worrying about whether the battery pack on my electric bike would last for the homeward journey.

As it happens it did and the pack is now safely recharged and ready for insertion to get me to my swim tomorrow.

One thing that I note is that I used the term ‘worrying’ about whether the battery would last.  Basically, it doesn’t matter.  Without a working battery, my electric bike is, well, a bike.  It has seven gears and you pedal.  It’s a bike!  It works with sheer leg power.  But the electric bike is like the dishwasher.  I am tempted to let that last sentence stand alone and not give an explanation, rather in the Lewis Carroll “Why is a raven like a writing desk” (or vice versa) but that would be pointlessly cruel.

A number of times I have started the dishwasher and then found a cup or plate that should have been included.  Now, you have to stay with me here, as I did not discover that you could open up the dishwasher and insert something part way through the cycle.  And that knowledge was based on the very first dishwasher I owned where I assumed that breaking the cycle would not pose a problem, and flooded the kitchen!  I know that with water saving and eco-cycles the amount of water used is minimal, but that is not the point.  I would see the lone cup and think, “Damn!  If I had found that a few minutes earlier it could have gone in the wash and now it will just have to wait for the next load.”  What I didn’t think was, “Oh well, I’ll wash it in the sink and dry it with the tea towel.”

As a bike without a battery is still a bike, so a cup can be washed by hand rather than by a machine.

Then I started thinking of other statements that I know that I have made at some point or other whose link to reality is sometimes questionable:

“The hoover is not fully charged, I can’t clean.”

“I’m not going to the shops because it’s raining.”

“I didn't contact you because I mislaid my mobile phone."

"I am wearing this shirt because I do not have any others."

"I bought it because I needed it."

"We have nothing in the house to eat."

"You can never own too many tea spoons."

And I think I better stop there as perhaps I am giving too much away!

If you have enjoyed reading this post, please feel free to click the 'Follow' button on the top right of this page.

If you would like to read drafts of my recent poems please go to smrnewpoems.blogspot.com