Raise the standard high!

Looking at the history of the crusades, there is very little about which to be complacent when you consider the motivations behind many of the participants. The basic premise of the first crusade was a just a tad un-PC and, as the crusades progressed they became less and less justifiable; culminating in the very wonderful Fourth Crusade which resulted in good Christian folk indulging in the Sack of Constantinople – the seat of the Eastern Christian Empire!

And we worry about the excesses of Islam!

Anyway George Bush Junior, the most powerful man in the world and defender of democracy . . . hmmm . . . seem to be veering towards modern day Fourth Crusade territory here, the irony is too poignant!

What I’m trying to say is that a crusade which is based on faith issues seems to me to be doomed to failure. A modern day crusade needs to be based on reality rather than the diaphanously fatal fantasies of religion! Unfortunately, all the best issues have been taken over by cranks and do-gooders, leaving very little for the ordinary bloke to claim for himself.

I, however, am charged with all the enthusiasm of an obsessed neophyte in the crusade lark. As in all the best crusades, the motivation is based on a soul searing personal experience.

A blocked external drain is not something which adds noticeably to the wealth of human happiness. It is a humbling experience because the problem is, quite literally, you – or at least, should I say euphemistically, aspects of your body!

You could of course blame the Victorian Drainage System, though for a house built in the 1960s on a green field site, it’s pushing it a bit!

The Man from Dynarod gave as his considered opinion that the major culprit in the cloggage was moist wipes. They are described as flushable, but according to the Man Who Knows, they take about ten years to disintegrate! “They allow the water to go through,” he said, “but then they act as filters and start to block.” Let us not dwell too long on the image that that statement conjures up!

So, the Crusade Against the Flushing of Indestructible Wipes is officially instigated. I will ask his Holiness the Hitler Youth Pope to bless and sanction the struggle against cheap and cheerful personal hygiene and I will entreat the date-expired Prime Minister to institute a subsidised programme of emergency bidet installation.

To be utterly frank, given the past record of historical crusades, I feel that mine has the advantages of being practical, achievable, and cost effective. The advantages in terms of personal satisfaction, health and happiness are in marked contrast to the interracial hatred, death and misery that resulted from any of the previous outings.

I will have to phone up Stewart and ask him to formulate some portentously appropriate motto in Latin so give my crusade that cachet that any mass movement against a readily apparent evil needs. With motto in hand I am right to go!

I will, I think, adopt one of the proven techniques from past crusades and offer indulgences and pardons for contributions (in strict cash terms) to further the cause. All payments to my Cayman Island Off-Shore account please.

Apart from watching, with fascinated horror, the machinations of the Man from Dynarod I have not been outside the house today, so a little foray into the world of commercialism is called for in order to purchase a reasonably priced book of watercolour technique for Toni.


At least it gives me an opportunity for a little retail therapy!

The truly excellent local library in Rumney has come up trumps, yet again, and magicked two practical books on the methods of waterpainting. Toni and I have now taken to artistic production with startlingly unprofessional results. With my knowledge of the history of art, I do have at least a glimmering of the mind numbingly massive artistic failure that our efforts amount to. There again, there is something to be said for getting in touch with the inner child: that certainly is what is indicated by the 'maturity' level of the 'paintings' which we have produced.

But, in the immortal words of the bard, 'the only way is up!'