LOCKDOWN CASTELLDEFELS - DAY 26 – Good Friday in Holy Week, 10th APRIL

As an Anglican atheist it may come as a surprise that it is today that the restrictions on movement have hit me most.  I do not go out of my way to visit churches during the year, but Good Friday (for reasons about which I am not entirely sure, see above re. atheism) is one of the day on which I make every effort to visit a church, to go inside, to sit down for a few moments and think.

     Toni has given up trying to understand my attitude and now merely shrugs with something approaching disdain when I voice my predilections.  For whatever reasons I want to visit a church today and I can’t.  And I miss it.

     I have tried the idea of the virtual tour, but that does not even remotely touch the spot in my psyche that demands a touch of the ecclesiastic, because it is not just the look of the place to which I respond.

     Although the sort of Anglican atheism that I espouse is ‘Low Church’ my background in St Augustine’s Church in Rumney was ‘High Church’ in its ceremonial.  Ceremonial, I might add in which I participated as a lowly server, cassocked and surplice as an acolyte, boat boy, thurifer, book boy and eventually MC – and people wondered why I chose a Cardinal as my fancy dress when going to a party in college! 

      The point is, that my experience of churches is an olfactory one as well – there is something very distinctive about the smell of old incense lingering among the pews.  And then there is the sound.

     I favour older churches with high-beamed ancient roofs (probably extensively mucked about with in Victorian times) where there is a distinct echoing resonance when the place is empty.  In the days when churches used to be left unlocked, I would visit new and interesting examples on holidays and, if they were empty, I would go to the lectern and read a section of the bible out loud to hear the acoustic.  So for me there is a distinct sonic quality that I treasure in churches.  Even in modern examples of the architecture there is something to take out of the experience of visiting.

     I do not find most churches welcoming places, I mean I like being inside them, but people are usually a bit stand offish.  I will never forget going to early morning communion in a parish church in Edgbaston where I felt like a modern day peasant among the well-heeled congregation (you only had to look at the cars parked) and I was comprehensively ignored by priest and congregation alike.  Ho hum!  But there is something about the atmosphere and the hardness of the pews that encourages introspection.

     And I like the restraint.  At least the restraint that I find in churches in the UK.  Good Friday in the UK is a bleak time to be inside a church where images are shrouded, the altar is stripped and there are no flowers.  In Catalan churches there is the same shrouding, but there is a concentration on the gory so there is often a horrifically realistic corpse somewhere around to focus the mind: the suffering of Christ with blood and wounds is very much to the fore.

     Well, this year I’m at home and there is not even a soaring spire above the trees to be observed from the third floor.  No bells have rung, or not within the hearing of our house.  This is a day like every other in isolation.  Like every other day in Holy Week.  Identity is attached to the days, they possess none themselves.

     So, what will my poem today describe?  How will its usual identity change?  At the moment I have no idea, but, by the end of the day a draft will have been added to the Holy Week collection at smrnewpoems.blogspot.com  I hope.

Well, I’ve written a draft that is now in the blog above.

I spoke to Irene on the telephone and we are both getting progressively more worried by the attitude of our political masters who seem to be far more concerned with the economic situation of the country than with the health and life of the citizens.

     The key will be what happens after Easter.  Easter Monday is a Bank Holiday (if we are still concerned by such things) and the National Government seems to be concerned to get people back to work.  Any diminution in the stringency of the lockdown will have a disproportionate effect and will weaken the overall population’s dedication to the lockdown and there will be a progressive disinclination to behave properly.  And then an increase in death.

     Perhaps I am being unduly pessimistic, but the next couple of weeks are going to be crucial to the way the crisis develops and I lack faith in the politics of it all!

It all comes back to education!

There are always choices to be made in writing.  One of them is ‘topic’.  What do you choose to write about?

I have a couple of options.  The first would be the fact that I am, at present, eating my way through the most delicious raw cauliflower that I have ever tasted.  I bought it in Aldi, mainly I have to admit, because it was small and would therefore be consumed before I left for the UK on Wednesday.  I brought it home, cut off the stalks and broke the head down into bite-sized florets.  And I ate one.  A revelation!  I have always liked raw vegetables, but this lowly cauliflower took crudité to new levels of lusciousness.  And the cauliflower was something that I wouldn’t even consider eating when I was young.  Though that was always when it was cooked, after suffering the disgusting smell that accompanied its production.  And, though I don’t hold it against her (why should I, I never ate any of it) my mother boiled cauliflower until it was soft and always added a pinch of bicarb. to do . . . what?  Precisely?  Take away all of the vitamin content!  But even then, I loved to eat cauliflower raw.  For me, cooking al dente was perfection: an amalgam of the rawness that I loved with the fact that it was technically ‘cooked’!  Perfect.  Even my mum began to cook things al dente.  Who could ask for more?

Or I could talk about the article that I read in the digital edition of the Guardian that allowed survivors of religious extreme cults who had lost their faith to tell we readers how they now viewed the world – and the world that they had lost.  And that got me thinking about my own lost faith.

I don’t think, to be fair that ‘lapsed Anglican’ is ever going to raise enough interest to get the Guardian to open its pages to the searing stories of how, having lost their faith, the ex-Anglican were treated so very . . . um . . . reasonably by those who kept theirs!

Lapsed Anglicans do not write revealing fiction about how they trail guilt feelings instilled in them by fanatical Church in Wales preachers who . . . it simply isn’t like that.

One Anglican bishop to whom I explained that I was an “Anglican atheist” said, “Yes, well, there are a lot of you around!”  Not really the stuff that produces hard-hitting revelations about how the ingrained guilt of Anglicanism haunted me throughout my non-Anglican life!

Through Holy Week this year, I used the period as a time to write a poem for each day.  Not necessarily an overtly religious poem, but a poem, nevertheless, influenced in some ways by the week that I was in.  I did the same thing last year and I found the process strangely rewarding.

I have now published a very slim volume of nine poems: I count Holy Week as starting on Palm Sunday and I wrote two poems for Easter Sunday, hence the number.  The titles are: Assumption, Dress, Anticipation, Daddy Agonistes, Penultimate, Locked, Waiting, Set up and Offer.  There is a sort of poem in the succession of titles, but let it pass – I’ve ‘written’ two ‘found’ poems recently and that is more than enough!

My point, which I haven’t made, is that I get a great deal of satisfaction out of writing poems at such a time.  Whether there is the same satisfaction in reading them only time and an audience will tell!  But there is something produced and that gives me pleasure.

But there is an internal on-going conversation with myself about why I should find this week significant and why I should bother writing poetry during it.  The poems themselves, only go so far in getting towards an explanation.

There is a simple explanation of course, and that is that I am still basically an Anglican at heart, and the loose chains of a liberal faith are, in their way, even more difficult to break than those of a much more authoritarian one.  And that one day I will ‘return to the faith’ – indeed one of my friends tells me this with that voice of weary resignation that suggests that it is so obvious that it need not be stressed.  I think he’s wrong, but, time will tell.

So, on balance, I don’t think that I will write about cauliflower or faith – I will write about the Open University.

Today, I finished writing the last Tutor Marked Assignment that I needed to do in the last course of my degree.  Admittedly I now have to complete the long essay that accounts for 50% of the marks, but my last TMA has been written.

And perhaps I am still writing about cauliflowers and faith, because the Open University is an addictive sort of institution, with zealous (I use the word advisedly) adherents who suck knowledge out of courses with the same fanaticism with which I ate the vegetable.  Two people have already said to me, when I told them that I was getting towards the final end of my degree, “Of course, you’ll do another, won’t you?”

And, do you know, I just might!