Although I was early to school the traffic, which is usually reasonably light at this time of the day, was very heavy with long tailbacks onto the motorway from the various turn-offs.  An irritating consequence of the tailbacks is that Spanish drivers feel the urge to cut into the line of cars waiting to exit and thereby block another lane of the motorway. 

This means that Spanish drivers who are thus blocked attempt the most outrageous manoeuvres to cut into the nearest free lane where the drivers are not inclined to let them in and so you have the perfect recipe for disaster – which, as a general rule does not take place. 

In spite of its being almost impossible to imagine cars escaping from the mayhem and general cataclysm that must result, space magically appears and life goes one.

It is true (to their shame) that Spanish drivers are worse than French drivers.  I discovered this piece of useful ammunition in a general Internet search for the safest drivers in Europe.  The safest drivers were not the British - but we figured surprisingly loftily in the list which dwindled down to the lunatics of the east.

Based on vehicle miles you are twice as likely to die in Spain as you are in the UK and about a 50% higher chance of dying than if you are driving in France!  Shameful figures!

One of the most satisfying activities as I trudge my way to school – although trudging in a car is difficult – is double guessing the drivers in front of me or lurking at the side.

At various points in my journey there occur opportunities for drivers to demonstrate their innate sense of courtesy as roads merge or diverge, or where lane changing is essential or where space is restricted and Care Needs to be Taken.  And they don’t.  The fun comes from deciding the sex and age of the person behaving as if they were immortal. 

I take one slip road which joins two motorways and it is a constant source of fun to be driving along in the lane which eventually changes into the link road and guessing which of the cars on my left is suddenly going to change lanes and push in before it is too late.  One has little enough to go on as the driver is usually invisible and one has to make one’s decisions based on the make of the car and the slightly uneasy parallel along which they drive. 

Unfortunately such people also take further risks after they have gained their lane and disappear into the distance to become another statistic.

Some drivers are obviously in the ”under 25 male” category, while others are just as obviously in the “little old lady of either sex” slot.  There are well-catalogued descriptions of “middle aged man refusing to accept ageing” and “wife driving family car for the school run” which any experienced driver will recognize.  One learns to slow down to avoid death with one and to keep a more than reasonable distance on hill starts with the other!

The middle lane is the most problematic area for the keen driver spotter.  The “middle lane tail backer” who attracts a line of trapped traffic behind his (I use the pronoun advisedly) slow moving vehicle as traffic streams past him on both sides is the usual preserve of the frankly old man; his wife is more likely to be an “inside lane crawler” and can usually be passed with ease.

Those irritatingly smug smaller cars with the rounded shapes and the look of self-satisfied domesticity are the preferred mode of annoyance of the younger career woman, usually professional and in one of the so-called caring professions.  They drive carefully badly and anything, absolutely anything can be expected from them.

BMW and Merc drivers are obviously in a class of their own and their vehicle make transcends age and sex: they are all bloody inconsiderate, arrogant and downright dangerous.

Tinted windows are danger signs, while tinted windows, spoiler and line drawing decorations are extreme danger signs.  Any attempt at car humour using toys, stickers or painting is an obvious Keep Clear warning.

The one clear rule that one needs to know when driving in Spain is that “indication means action, not mere intention”: when the indicator light comes on the driver is already moving in (usually) the direction the light shows.  The fact that you are in the space that the driver appears to be attempting to occupy means nothing to him: he has indicated; he is moving.

If Spanish drivers use the roads in the same way in Britain that they do at home in Spain then they must move to a constant fanfare of car horns.

In Spain, in my bit anyway, the horn is rarely used because the manoeuvres that would give British drivers heart failure and an urge to punch the horn in the middle of the steering wheel are here are accepted as a normal part of driving.

When a Spaniard uses his horn it really is because he cannot kill you with his bare hands!

Sometimes I have risked death through a determination to find out if my hunches about the age and sex of an inconsiderate driver are correct.  In city traffic, or even on urban motorways, traffic progress has a way of being somewhat self-limiting: the car that lurched past you and then in front of you with a death-defying swerve that you normally only see on action movies you see a little later caught up in a line of stationary traffic.  Only the most stupid of motorists (and all motor cycle users) manage to make real progress – and I wish them well in the rest of their short lives!

Today is one of my early finishes and I have a trip to Toys r Us to look forward to!

Such happiness!