I want . . .

Gadget lust has descended on me like a red mist.

After my abortive attempt to buy a new mini computer which resulted in my having to take the thing back, I had hoped that my processor linked desires had sunk back into the realm of the manageable. Not so. While attempting to buy some bananas I was lured into an Orange shop and almost entered into some sort of contract to acquire a mobile phone with a touch screen. I was saved by the fact that the shop required very specific bank information which luckily I did not have to hand. There should be some sort of law against the allowing of mobile phone outlets to be located by the cashiers for an ordinary supermarket.

Bananas safely purchased I was then forced to go into MediaMarkt. Because it was there.

And behold! It was revealed unto me that there was within a small computer; and lo! it had a keyboard that even fitted unto the spatulate nature of my fingers. And I did look upon it. And it was good in my sight. But, alas! It was bereft of programs. And verily I have been caught like that before.

But I can feel myself falling. I put it down to the touch of Old Adam within all of us – but especially near the surface with me when gadgets and computers are near me!

It will be interesting to see how long I last. I am safe at the moment because the shop is closed. I am teaching all day tomorrow. But the shop stays open until 10 pm. Oh god!

Meanwhile things have speeded up in bringing together the injured from The School That Sacked Me. Things proceed satisfactorily.

The ‘Chosen One’ effect is wearing off and pupils are beginning to accept me as part of the furniture and they are also discovering that I can be quite as demanding as them. They are starting to realise, like Hamlet that my smiling face is nearer to the living Claudius than to the dead Yorick. I’m not quite sure what I mean there, but if I manage to convey a sense of underlying threat then I am satisfied!

In the next couple of days I am having work in from some of my more enthusiastic classes: I can truly say that I am looking forward to reading their attempts – and they are prettily illustrated as well. Bless!

Life is pleasantly busy at the moment.

Like minds!

Today a meeting with two more of the walking wounded of The School That Sacked Me.

Over a couple of hours I heard again the familiar story that I am sure could have been told in much the same way over the last decade. I listened to a story of managerial ineptness; professional incompetence; personal animosity and self-defeating rejection. And all centred on one person: The Owner.

Recitation of wrongs is therapeutic but we are planning a little more than that. Gradually ideas for action are coming together and with my traditional optimism I can see a clear progress to retribution and restitution. Now is the time to bring together a whole series of strands that can combine to create a coherent . . . and that sentence was gathering itself into a fairly vicious metaphor, so perhaps its best to let it rest and enjoy the prospect of action with the appearance of possibility.

It was only when I returned to Castelldefels that I realised that I had left our little gathering, with my colleagues about to have lunch without paying for the couple of coffees that I had drunk! I realised, far more importantly, that the helpful, reasonable persona that I had been projecting during our discussion was now seriously under cut. Here was I revealed as a person prepared to ‘do a runner’ for the price of a couple of two coffees. Luckily my immediate and grovelling mobile phone call seemed to restore my tattered reputation and I can now look forward to further meetings with an easy conscience!

By the end of the week I should have the basis for a dossier to present to the Generalitat which should clearly call into question the suitability of The Owner to be allowed anywhere near a school. We progress!

And after lunch it was warm enough to sun bathe on the balcony. If you were made of stern stuff it was possible to ignore the occasional gusts of wind which brought back the reality of it being early March!

Roll on the summer.

White stone day!

If you want to know what my day has been like then I would refer you to my lunch.

Lunch was in the restaurant of the Fundación “La Caixa” in Barcelona. I had been to an exhibition of the art of Joaquim Mir (of which more anon) and felt that I deserved a meal to match.

The first course was a pasta dish. The pasta was long wide ribbons with crinkled edges flavoured with spinach and a tasty sauce. As I was eating it I thought that pine nuts would be an elegant finishing touch and then, with a movement of my fork I disclosed – pine nuts! And that, my friends, has been the flavour of my day.

The day started with an encouraging series of telephone conversations with friends which continue to build the case against The School That Sacked Me. The forces of Gandalf are massing against the evil of Sauron! Each day a new element falls into place. For the first time for months I feel that something real and positive is happening.

The exhibition of Mir (free, as are all the art exhibitions in “La Caixa” god bless them!) was an extraordinary experience as the eighty or so works cover his entire career and is the most complete exhibition of his works ever mounted.

Mir’s artistic career is traditionally divided up into the five major places in which he settled during his life but, as this exhibition attempts to make clear, the locations do not define his achievement.

For me, the paintings he completed in Mallorca in four short years from 1900 to 1904 before his mysterious fall on the rocks of Sa Calobra are by far the most interesting. As I walked around the exhibition I was trying to identify the elements of his style which struck me. I found it easier to think of artists who suggested themselves as I looked at the paintings. His use of colour is certainly individualistic and not necessarily realistic and shows a clear tendency towards abstraction. This tendency however is always contained in representation and at no point does Mir depart from his love of landscape and its portrayal.

Mir manages to obtain a short of Redon-like pastel effect even when he is using oils. The symbolist use of colour and the molten look of the rocks that he portrays in a painting like ‘Cueva de Mallorca’ give an almost surrealistic look to some of his paintings and the painter he reminds me of is Ernst. In ‘Olivos de Mallorca’ the use of outlining and the particular shade of blue used reminds me of some of the more disturbingly organic threatening objects of Welshman Ceri Richards. This is a very busy canvas and gives an unsettling view of olive trees!

‘La cueva verde’ (1903) is an explosion of colour and shape and looks more like a Sutherland in its portrayal of living rock with almost theatrical lighting. This ‘green cave’ is a very personal vision of landscape.

For me the most successful painting is an extraordinary one from c. 1903 ‘La roca de la cala’ – a rock in a pool – a beautiful portrayal in shimmering colour in a subdued environment. This is the one I would save in the event of fire!

This is an exhibition to revisit! And I am prepared to forgive ‘La Caixa’ for the extravagantly priced catalogue not only because of the quality of reproduction but also because there is an essay in English at the back.

And this afternoon I was able to lie in the sun with my shirt off on the balcony watching the white horses plunge their way towards the shore.

Nice!

And so it goes on!

Having started at the crack of dawn on two days of this week I am entitled to an early departure on a day of my choice. Friday seemed the obvious candidate and so I was able to slip away unhindered by the fleet of cars that appear at the end of school to ferry away our privileged charges.

I used my early leave to call in to the medical centre to replenish my supply of drugs and to find out (if possible) why I have been sent a second medical card.

Amazingly there was no queue at the pharmacist in the medical centre and so was able to waltz in immediately and get my prescriptions. There is no explanation for the extra card, I was told to keep it safe and use it if I lost the other. It is ironic that getting the first one was so bureaucratically difficult and the second comes as a free gift!

As if in a form of compensation for ease of acquisition, it took three attempts to find a dispensing pharmacist that was open, but I was still home and sipping a well earned cup of tea before the time that I would have left school normally. Result!

I have now been at the school for a grand total of seven working days, but it feels as if I have been there for an absurdly longer period of time. The children are friendly to the point of caricature and I have begun to suspect that their attitude is one of ironic condescension. But it isn’t. Gosh.

The food is even more unreal, but I don’t say anything in case it all disappears in a puff of smoke!

The kids are NOT all angels, by no means! But they are the sort of pupils that most teachers would give important parts of their bodies to teach.

It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me that I have started a campaign in school to get a portable OHP machine. Many classrooms have been equipped with an interactive white board but . . . There is always a ‘but’ with the introduction of so-called hi-tec teaching equipment.

Teachers in this school do not have a teaching base. We move to the pupils. There are laptops, but these are not readily available and are not permanently linked up to the whiteboards. Use of one would necessitate setting up the equipment before each lesson in each of the individual teaching classes and . . . well; you know it just ain’t gonna happen. So a portable OHP seems like a sensible idea.

It will be a test of the school to see how it reacts to my request. We are surely inching our way towards a new financial year when such things can be considered. I shall speculate no more, but await events. I suppose I ought to push things forward a bit by finding the model that I want and presenting the powers that be with proof of its existence and an indication of expense. I declare this project open!

I took my tea out on to the balcony and watched the waves. This was the sort of sea that my father would have loved. The wind was whipping the tops of the crests into a misty spray which was catching the evening sun. For the first time here, the breaking waves out to sea did actually look as though there were ‘white horses’ galloping towards the shore! With the deep pounding and crashing of the walls of water on the wind raked sand it all combined to give a stunningly beautiful display.

A rough sea always stimulated my father and it is a continuing regret that he cannot (except in the imagination) sit next to me puffing contentedly on his pipe occasionally quoting some fragment of poetry learned from books taken from the library in Abergwinfi!

Or perhaps learned from his sister whom he fondly believed was the author of ‘Jerusalem’! I can well imagine his sister (my aunt) not telling him the truth too!

This weekend a bus tip to MNAC is called for as I have been deprived of interesting galleries for too long.

I wonder if they do a menu del dia on a Saturday there!

Teachers' Liberation!

It is rapidly becoming apparent that there is sort of fraternity which is composed of those hapless souls who have had dealings with The School That Sacked Me. We recognize each other by a certain look in the eye and the involuntary twitch when the name of the place is mentioned. There must be hundreds of us scattered all across the globe – and it’s time the disaffected walking wounded of that dreadful place made their voices heard. And heard in the right places so that the authorities will have to act.

As usual, my innate sense of optimism triumphs over the hard reality of the last fifteen years – the years that the place has been open. Court cases come and go, but the essential components of a dysfunctional institution remain in place and The Owner endures. But time must have a stop and god knows it’s time for a stop to be put to that place; or at least to the way that it is run.

Grumbles grow and it’s time to put the inarticulate on a more literate level and give voice to justified objection.

Meanwhile back in the real world of my present school, examinations loom and the whole place is convulsed in a collective act of bowed headed adoration of various text books and photocopies.

I am beginning to understand the way the English department here works. This is a school where the vast majority of the pupils are English language learners. Their first languages are overwhelmingly Spanish and Catalan though there is a significant minority with another first language. The teaching of English as a foreign language is fairly rigidly text book based which is a strange form of release from the bondage of virtual text-book free learning which is the norm back in the UK. But using a text book which is closely linked to the external examinations means that when the pupils are tested with what look like fairly ‘open’ questions there is a specific text based answer that the pupils have to get to gain the mark. The ‘answers’ in the teacher’s book are the revealed word of god and must reign supreme over any cavils that individual teachers may have about what might be acceptable in the sight of the examiners.

The lore of the place is being revealed to me bit by bit: I am beginning to understand how the exercises are supposed to work; how much you should tell the pupils about English usage; how far to deviate from The Way of the text book and, most importantly, how much latitude you are supposed to give in the way that pupils express themselves in English.

One sentence that the equivalent of the first year sixth had today in their examination asked them to know that in English a wall is given ‘a coat of paint.’ They had obviously never come across (phrasal verb) this use of the word. Their suggestions ranged from ‘layer’ through ‘carpet’ (one of my favourites) to ‘hand.’ The latter seemingly lunatic suggestion is actually a direct translation of the Spanish phrase, so at least I learned something from the experience!

My first examination marking came after a meeting where I discovered that we mark in quarters of a point, with .25 of a mark being subtracted for the misuse of a pronoun! Strict but fair!

Today has been marked by loss and theft.

The loss was my keys. I have been given a substantial bunch of the things which, as far as I can tell, opens everything lockable in the place. The loss of such a bunch of keys was, potentially, giving anyone finding them access everywhere!

A frantic search of all the rooms that I had been in revealed nothing. No sets of keys had been handed in to the office staff. I was thinking to myself that I had been there barely a week and already I had compromised the whole security of the school.

The keys were, of course, found. They were on the table in the staff room. Clearly in sight and only slightly obscured by the edge of a pencil case. The secretary smiled slightly and nodding her head sighed, “A senior moment!”

The theft was a set of examination papers. Now I do have an excuse. And I didn’t do it deliberately. I blame a third party.

The ‘third party’ in questions is a colleague who with considerable consideration had written out the answers for the examination and then photocopied her original for our use. When I collected all my papers at the end of the day I gathered in all those which looked like mine and the other examination papers looked like mine. That’s my excuse. Luckily another colleague asked about one of my students and I was able to give the result of his recently marked examination. My efforts to locate his paper in my brief case brought to light another set of examination papers which I soon realized were not of my kids.

My telephone call to the other staff room brought a frantic teacher to the phone whose relief that I had taken the papers outweighed (just) her anger that they had been taken in the first place!

Having done enough damage for one day, I decided to go home.

I shall now read ‘Holes’ by Louis Sachar and refresh my memory about the book that one of my classes is reading.

Keeps me out of trouble at least!

Letters with meaning

Sometimes opening your emails is a real pleasure.

Stewart’s emails are masterpieces of contained quizzicality. And it is very good for me to have someone’s with raised eyebrow reading what I’ve written and gently suggesting that my casual attributions could be a touch more accurate! I don’t know how grave a crime it is for an ex-head of an English department to confuse H E Bates with L P Hartley, but I fear it is little short of a resigning issue – so it’s just as well that I am PBI nowadays!

While Stewart’s emails are always a delight, I hesitated to open those that I knew would have more news from The School That Sacked Me.

In the event there actually seemed to be something positive. Unsurprisingly there seems to be a group of parents which is prepared to voice objections to the way in which the school is being run. This gives me a moment of optimism. Perhaps this disaffection is something which can be built on and could develop into something serious in our attempts to bring The School That Sacked Me back to something like normality.

The story continues!

Meanwhile in my present school the absence of colleagues meant that I lost two periods and had to substitute. This is never a happy experience and when one of your substitutions is for the last period of the day this is potentially a very bad experience. In the first period I did manage to complete the piece of writing that I had set for the class I had just been teaching. In the second I experienced the only round of applause that I have ever been given as a teacher coming in to take someone else’s class! I take little credit for this adulation; I am merely reaping the benefit of not being the person who was there before me. This is a ‘time limited’ advantage and I am making the most of it while I can!

Spanish bureaucracy has reared its head again. The man who helped me to prepare my academic documentation before it was all sent off to Madrid has sent the educational authorities in the city and asked how the processing is going and has had a reply which suggested that all I needed to complete the procedure was proof that I had been teaching for more than two years. I wasn’t even slightly fazed by this seemingly idiotic demand as this information is actually printed on one of the documents sent to Madrid.

A phone call to my last school in Wales got an instant response and I was able to indulge in a chat with an ex-colleague with whom I had to admit that as I was speaking to her it was actually raining. That at least gave her a moment of pleasure. Though she still asked me to find her a job and wanted to know if the invitation to stay was still open!

We move inexorably nearer to the examination season and there will soon be a welter of examination papers waiting for the firm kiss of my red pen!

Oh joy!

Always look on the bright side

We had calçots for lunch.

May as well get the positive out of the way as soon as possible! I was able to dine in some degree of spaciousness because I had to have an early lunch because of my duty.

The reality of working in a place which has little recourse to supply teachers is beginning to show with my having to do two ‘substitutions’ tomorrow –though to be fair I do gain a period because my youngest pupils are going on a trip. A trip about which I knew nothing. I do not blame my colleagues (who have been kind, supportive and generous with their advice) but I am entering a situation where co-operation was not the norm and so it is taking time to realize that I am a different sort of character from my predecessor!

The kids are amazingly friendly and, except for a tendency to chat, they are responsive and intelligent. They are, of course, highly privileged and it is sometimes difficult to remember that your class does not have the usual social, economic and behavioural spread that you are used to in a state school.

I have discovered that the school has its own branded chocolate bars which I discovered in the drawer which houses our tea bag collection. I have liberated one to show Toni so that he may marvel at the difference between my present establishment and The School that Sacked Me!

Of the latter ‘school’ I find that I am hesitant to check my e-mails because of what new horrors I may find related in them. Yet I remain the eternal optimist and expect that eventually right will prosper. Naïve possibly, but such beliefs allow me to sleep at nights.

Talking of sleeping nights, I have to read ‘Stone Cold’ this evening to refresh my memory about this text which has to be taught to one of my classes. It is probably a bad idea to continue with the book as the kids have been turned off the story by the way that they have been introduced to it. I will, however, persevere and see what can be salvaged from the wreckage.

Wish me luck.

No joke!

If you think that your working conditions are poor then I suggest you take a short (or maybe very long) detour to visit The School That Sacked Me and you will revise your opinions.

The situation in that god-awful apology for an educational institution has now, unbelievably, taken a turn for the ‘even worse!’ The number of heads of the primary section over the last two or three years has now reached double figures! A laughable state of affairs and should mean that the place is put under Special Measures at once – but that hasn’t happened over the last dozen years so why should one suppose that normality should reach out and bring this deeply dysfunctional and professionally disgraceful place back to what can be described as a school.

Meanwhile my own school experience continues to please and we had sea food au gratin in a scallop shell for one of the lunch courses. Need I say more!

With what is happening in The School That Sacked Me and what is not happening I feel disinclined to be lightly humorous.

A little justice would be appropriate to right a fundamental wrong.

Read the sunshine!

A sullen St David’s Day with a grudging attempt at forced sunshine late in the afternoon.

The day was also enlivened by a visit to the supermarket for supplies – an idea apparently shared by the rest of the population of Castelldefels. The queues at the cashiers stretched well into the produce aisles and the interminable wait was only enlivened by the attempts of the eternally optimistic to worm their way into the queue. I am proud to relate people obviously noted the homicidal gleam in my eyes and avoided any attempt to insinuate their trolleys in front of me and were thus allowed to enjoy the rest of the day rather than lying in bloody chunks at my feet.

There were the usual people in front of us. In spite of the fact that the queue was stretching well into the next town they behaved as if they were alone in the store and were the only people the cashier had to deal with. With a blithe disregard for an electrically resentful line of people whose sheer pulsing waves of detestation could have ignited matches languid conversations took place over items whose price was disputed.

The usual single parent with hyperactive child brought the line to a grinding halt as the cashier had to pack the items for the mother as she dealt with the small person. Eventually the mum was able to help as she pinioned the small person firmly between her clenched calves and rightly ignored the piteous mewlings from the self centred object of delay at her feet. Whatever ‘sufferings’ the small person was experiencing as she was prevented from hindering our egress from that large shop of horrors, it was a damn sight less than any one of the furious shoppers behind her would have meted out given half a chance!

The rest of the day has been spent enjoyably re-reading Mark Haddon’s ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time’ which is being studied by the equivalent of my Year 8 and reading for the first time ‘The 22nd Pan Book of Horror Stories.’

The stories (selected by Herbert Van Thal) are the usual heterogeneous bunch with a particularly nasty one by Ian McEwan called ‘Pornography.’ The definition of ‘horror’ in this collection is a fairly wide one ranging from an almost conventional supernatural example of the genre like ‘The girl with the violet eyes’ by Elsie Karbacz; through distasteful (literally!) humour in ‘Dante’s Bistro’ by Carolyn L. Bird to a version of slapstick in ‘Incident in Cairo’ by Bessie Bird to a version of Armageddon in ‘The trump card’ by Jane Louie. A most enjoyable, if unsettling read!

Although borrowed from the school cupboard, I cannot imagine the class with which I would use any one of them!

Meanwhile back to triple homonyms and the construction of elegant sentences which leave out the key word and encourage students to supply it. This is a particular and cruel form of torment for those learning English and if I can find a fiendish example I will encourage my reader to try it.

Meanwhile an internet search to ensure that I do not re-invent the wheel!

I know my rights!

The sun is not shining!

As is almost written in ‘The Diary of a Nobody,’ “I am not a rich man, but I would willingly give a half a crown to discover the identity of the deity who produced such insulting weather.”

I am now going through the traditional period for me when I worry that every day and in every way I am becoming whiter and whiter. The only time that I am in the sun is when I walk from building to building. I was hoping to top us my vitamin D levels this weekend and have been viciously disappointed by the cloud cover.

Thank god for chocolate: solid sunshine!

I have not given up on my desire to purchase a new mini computer. Though I am now bloody from my recent experiences I remain unbowed and am full determined to boost the economy and foil the crisis by the wilful spending of quantities of money I can ill afford on the type of machine of which I already possess a number of examples. That’s what I call dedication!

In a clearly specious attempt to show dedication to my new school I took home a book from the English cupboard in the upper school. This was ‘Midnight Over Sanctaphrax’ book 3 in ‘The Edge Chronicles’ by Paul Stewart and Chris Riddell.

It is significant that on the front cover of this volume is a blue circle in which is written, “For children who’ve read Harry Potter and want another world to explore.” I will not allow the fact that this quotation is from a hack in the Mail on Sunday to influence my opinion about the book, but . . . This feels altogether slighter than the Harry Potter books, even though there is a similarity in the use (or abuse!) of similar elements. There is the same amusingly quaint naming of people, places and wildlife: Twig, Tug, Spooler, Goom, Flabsweat, the Great Shryke Slave Market in The Deep Woods and so on.

The story links to other stories in the series, but there is enough information in the present novel for it to stand alone. The thrust of the tale mixes together a familiar melange of fairy story, legend, with a light dusting of creation myth religion. The story is simple enough but there is enough imagination to keep the rather pedestrian narrative alive.

From the point of view of my new school the level of language used is slightly too difficult, but it could be simplified to be of some use. If I cared to do it!

Needless to say hackneyed, clichéd and predictable it may have been, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Fantasy and magic have the same sort of fascination for me as sci-fi and I have to treat them both like dangerously addictive drugs. Talking of which, I have also borrowed one of the ‘Pan Book of Horror’ series of short stories. These are also quite compulsive, though under the sometimes lurid covers you find classic tales masquerading as contemporary stories!

I look forward to the mixture!

Dreams are fragile!

The Welsh Rugby Dream is over for another year. Ah well, and I even wore an artificial daffodil (supplied by Dianne) in school today. This occasioned much questioning, with the result that I think that I ought to have some sort of bonus from the Welsh Tourist Board for services to Welsh awareness in those of foreign extraction!

The ‘love-on’ continued into the second day with my being greeted like a favourite uncle on all sides in school. It is perhaps just as well that the weekend has intervened to bring a sense of reality to my return. On Monday I will be regarded as just another fixture and normality will be restored.

Though they haven’t got used to my ties yet. I have set myself a fairly high standard with my choice of neck coverings so far and I do not think that I can sustain the level of quirkiness that I have established. To my consternation pupils have spoken of their favourite ties from my last visit and were quite specific about which ones met with their approval.

I have always maintained that teachers do not realise how closely they are observed by their classes. We have this self denying approach which suggests that even though we stand in front of a class in full view of all the pupils they somehow take us for granted and look without seeing. I suppose if we realistically appreciated how much scrutiny we routinely undergo we wouldn’t venture out in front of a class!

Even with my previous experience of a week in the school some time ago and these two days, it is not enough time to think about how the next few months there will pan out. The signs seem positive enough but it will need some compromise on my part if it is going to work out well. It will be interesting to see how my teaching style adapts to the demands of a very different style of teaching which is the norm in this school.

All in all this has been an interesting week and one which has left me a trifle tired!

And emotional!

You are all too, too kind!

Every teacher should have his “Mr Chips” moment. And now, after my first day back in the ‘new’ school, I have had mine.

Greeted warmly by all; hand firmly shaken; kissed by colleagues; hugged by students, and surrounded by welcoming smiles it was difficult not to feel something of the triumphalism of Judas Maccabaeus and to hear “See the conquering hero comes!” playing softly in my ears.

The frighteningly competent girl in my youngest class spoke to me confidentially at the start of our first lesson and said, “Stephen – two things. Firstly, I knew you would be back. Secondly, welcome!” You see what I have to cope with!

It was a glorious day surrounded by happy, smiling, responsive pupils and enjoyable teaching. To mark my return the school even managed to have a fire drill almost as soon as I started teaching and offered me the opportunity to do a lunchtime duty as well. Truly, my cap ranneth over!

There is a different feeling in this school to the last. I think that the fact that the school is spread over a number of buildings on a steeply sloping site with each of the buildings linked by what seems to be an interminable number of steps, makes the experience of teaching there more expansive than in Castelldefels. The staff rooms in Barcelona are not as claustrophobic or cramped as in Castelldefels and the provision of a ‘breakfast’ roll with free tea and coffee creates a different ambience.

It will take a while for me to work out the exact requirements of the various examinations that the school offers the pupils in English and also the approach to the subject itself. I am beginning to understand that the sort of English that the pupils will find in the examination is a very formal and rather stilted kind. They have to know and be able to demonstrate facility in the definition and use of various obscure (to the normal English speaker) grammatical points. The use of text books imposes a discipline of progress that is rather foreign to my ‘method’ of teaching. It will be interesting to see how I progress in this rather foreign pedagogical country!

Lunch, when I finally got to taste it after my duty, was tasty – which was just as well as we have to wait until 2.00 pm to taste it; or in my case today, until 2.30 pm!

I have brought books home today to look through them for the lessons tomorrow, but I am loath to do it. I have made up some handouts to supplement some of the things that I said this morning - and that is far nearer to what I find enjoyable than studying the arid verb forms which seem to be the basis of good marks in the examinations that the pupils are going to take.

The next few weeks are going to demonstrate clearly how congenial this placement is going to be. I think that it will call for a certain compromise on my part and a re-jigging of my expectations.

At the moment I rejoice in the sheer self indulgent pleasure of my welcome and remember that the future, as H E Bates almost said, is another country. Another country in which I have yet to travel.

Time for a cup of tea!

And the next one please!

My I-Spy Book of Catalan Schools now has an extra tick in it as I wave goodbye to my last and start preparing for my next!

A fairly quick chat with the confident young man who has been parachuted in to take my classes through towards the public examinations, a bottle of wine and a card and I was out of there!

The fact that the Young Man has been brought up from Valencia to teach from a month and has accommodation provided brought gasps of astonishment from my colleagues who have rarely met a supply teacher in Spain and never heard of such professionalism in the cause of Years 11, 12 and 13 as they march towards their exams. In all sincerity I must say that I too am impressed with the radical nature of the steps taken to ensure the academic health of the pupils. If other schools in the area find out what mine has done they will probably be horrified and fear the reaction of parents who might expect the school to take similar action on behalf of their children!

I can only speculate about what effect such a revolutionary approach towards the welfare of students would have on The School That Sacked Me would have. I should imagine that total implosion and the creation of a Black Hole would be the least cataclysmic event that would occur! If only!

I had a number of gratefully received expressions of regret at my departure and one hurriedly written A4 affectionate scrawl from a rather effete apprentice louche boy in my last class!

I shall miss this school, but the chances of my working there again look remote.

So to the next.

I worry that the departure of the teacher I am replacing will be placed at my door. My arrival is fraught with possibilities and speculation, while pleasantly diverting, is essentially pointless.

I will await reality. A reality, I might add, which is going to occur early in the morning. Very early!

Good for the character. Maybe.

Roll up that man!

The staff have now been told that I am leaving tomorrow and there is that strange attitude which is composed of what I hope is sincere regret at my departure and relief that they are still in a job!

One colleague’s jolly, “Well, it’s the right time to be free when it is coming up to the summer,” was ironic given the seamless segue that I have to make into another teaching situation on Thursday!

My sixth form were still the worse for wear after the three day break with one of the boys’ voices being quite an octave lower thanks to the liquid ravages of Carnival!

Another, on hearing that I did not join revellers over the weekend croaked out that I still had time as Carnival was not over and I could go out and party this very evening. Thinking about it, I consider that arriving in a ‘tired and emotional’ state for the last day of my stay when I hope to return here would be, to say the least, impolitic!

The one achievement that marks my stay in this school is my total mastery of the paper towel machine. This was exemplified by my expert performance on a visit to the toilet first thing in the morning where the window of opportunity to detach the paper towel before the ‘clunk’ indicates the emergence of the graspable tag for the next user is very short. It is a fine art which needs constant practice and impeccable timing otherwise the ability to produce the refined twist of the wrist at the requisite moment to produce a clean, straight edge sheet will be lost!

New school: new sanitary challenges!

Changing schools usually involves the buffer of a holiday to allow a breathing space to adjust to a new experience: this will be the first time that there is less than a day between institutions. I admit that I have only been in my present placement for just over two weeks, but I do feel that I have fitted into the educational life of the school. I only hope that I am able to leave a reasonably enduring (and positive) memory behind me in case any suitable opportunity for employment there comes up. The pity is at present that the English Department of the school seems robustly healthy and determined to stay on!

I am awaiting promised email from my next school outlining what point in the courses the classes have reached. This knowledge will give me an impressive air of omniscience as I waltz into the room and with an uncanny prescience launch straight into the next part of their course!

All change!

Boys Denied Toys

Although prepared by inbred cynicism, the anti-climax of my court visit was frustrating.

My court appointed translator had learned her English in Nigeria and impressed me with her enthusiasm for language if not for her full command of idiomatic English.

My presence in the law courts was to make a statement. I am so far acclimatized to the ways of my adopted country that I did not for a moment question why I had to do this when I had already made a statement to the police some time ago.

The statement made, I was able to furnish the growing file with a selection of some of my finest letters and emails to The Owner and a list of other complaints about the running of The School That Sacked Me. I was working on the basis of ‘every little bit helps’ and that further information will make the person who has to decide whether to make a court case out of this substantially more likely to set a date for the trial!

It seems to me to be almost transcendentally astonishing that something as essentially easy to resolve as my complaint has come to the point of legal action!

I await the next step in this process with eager anticipation!

When you are stuck behind a long line of shoppers (all of whom have loaded trollies) the last thing you need is to see a single mother with a small child.

Spanish parents are infuriatingly, impossibly patient with their children. They can do no wrong. All foibles must be indulged. The universe revolves around these small, incoherent tyrants.

This particular child’s vocabulary seemed to be restricted to one whining word, “Mama!” sobbed out with different intensities of self pity and insistent attention seeking effectiveness.

With blithe disregard to the growing queue behind her the mother urged her recalcitrant offspring to condescend to pick up some trifling object from the trolley and place it on the belt. The moaning mini was disinclined to do this and moaned out her pitiful “Mama!” as if she was being asked to solve a quadratic equation in her head while suspended in a tank of barracuda. Her obstinate lack of co-operation did not result in her beaten to a bloody pulp with a large metal bar (as at least one member of the queue wished) but rather even more consideration and an indication that perhaps she should try lifting an even less demanding item!

Item pilled up at the till as the emptying of the trolley crept on its infantile way.

The queue (with one exception) watched this performance with indulgent amusement and made little cooing sounds at the intransigent rebellion of the obstructive midget. My smile began to resemble a frozen rictus and I attempted to remember the way to get to ‘that other place’ so beloved of mystical eastern religions.

Just before infanticide tipped from being a good idea to a positive duty, the till lady started to organize the scatty mother and clear the till area and make my emerging from the shop within my own lifetime a possibility.

When I had passed through the till and was making my way to the car The Mother was still fussing around causing an obstruction and not once did she apologise to anyone. The bare faced audacity of parenthood leaves me speechless. Always!

Talking of deprivation, one of my toys has gone.

In spite of rigorous attempts to make it work, my typing style and the space bar on the new computer did not match. By the time I had sorted out the lack of spaces from the typing, I could have done it faster with two fingers!

The return of the computer was a misery of an experience waiting in a slow moving queue (something of a feature today) and not quite seeing the screen to watch an episode of ‘Futurama’ obviously playing to keep us quiet, but not noticeably smoothing away the lines of exasperation as products were painstakingly unpacked and checked by the single person deputed to deal with returns.

With a frightening version of inventive (and invented) Spanish I explained to the girl what was wrong and she must have understood because she gave me my money back. So there!

Tomorrow my penultimate day in my present school.

And the new ‘old’ challenge of the next one starts on Thursday.

Hey ho!

Never quite right!

As Babbage might have said if he had realized what he was inventing when he almost unleashed his mechanical mathematical machine on an unsuspecting public, "One can never have too many computers."

Acting on that noble, if unspoken sentiment I have bought another computer.

I do not recognize that I have to justify such a purchase, but the response of those near me seems to demand some sort of explanation. So, as I am going into a new job on Thursday I felt that a new computer was essential.

Ah, you may ask, does that mean that each time you have a new job you have to get a new computer?

I must admit that such a question does seem to me to be rehetorical. I can think of less interesting things to do to celebrate such a momentous event than buying an attractive, effectiveand efficient computer.

I have, of course, many convincing reasons for purchasing yet another computer. All of my other computers are far too large to fit comfortably into my case which I use for school. The other small computer that I bought had a key board which was too small for my spatulate fingers and therefore it took more time sorting out the mistakes that a finger wider than a key had made than was useful.

This present machine has a decent keyboard, but I am finding out its limitations already. I am beginning to believe that keyboards are now being made for two finger typists. Touch typists like my good self are being penalised for the ability to make a swift touch on the keyboard.

The problem is the thumb.

The touch typist adds a space by a swift depression of the space bar by the thumb, but this machine does not seem to respond in quite the same way. Unless there is a masterful thump of the bar the space does not register - and that is not what you do in normal electronic typing. For example in the part of the last sentence after the dash four of the words were run together because the depression of the space bar did not register. This is going to be an intolerable problem unless I can work out a way to combat it, otherwise the computer will have to be returned to the shop.

And another dream bites the dust!

I will give it the rest of the evening to see if I can adjust my typing to cope with the seeming insensitivity of the keyboard. If not: it has to go.

The quest for a decent mini computer continues!

Meanwhile I can think about the recent visit of Ceri and Dianne and consider my strategy for My Day In Court.

Keeps my mind active!

Flying home!

Ceri and Dianne have gone back.

It is a strange feeling to see people who were an intimate and geographically close part of one’s life fly off to another country. While I am delighted to see them, it is a wrench to see them go.

It was especially frustrating as work demands limited the amount of time that I could be with them to the evenings. With the relatively small amount of time I was able to spend with them, it seemed no sooner had I got used to their being here than they were on their way home.

I hope that the time that they spent alone in Barcelona was enjoyable: I do know that sometimes the ubiquity of your host can be a little unsettling, so some time to yourself is a special bonus!

They have now perfected the technique of the ‘one site’ city visit. They selected a notable venue for each day and gave ample space for appreciation and quiet enjoyment, without the hectic ‘what else have we got to see’ approach that ruins so many visits to historic cities.

We have been left with a promise that a summer visit in July will take place and there is always the Montserrat working holiday that Ceri will have to take at some point or other if I am going to be able to see his take on those disturbing mountains!

Time to bestir myself and find a suitible gallery so that Ceri can exploit his take on Montserrat!

Time ticks on

¡Carnival! is over in our school and the parade and judging are closed for another year.

The range of costumes was wide with the Challenger space vehicle vying with an astonishing cross dressing Amy Winehouse for the prize for the most outstanding fancy dress!

Unlike most schools the outlandish dress and high spirits of many of the students did not mean that teaching was impossible.

The fact that I had a Year 9 class last thing in the afternoon was not the sort of group of pupils with whom most teachers would have chosen to end their day during Carnival, but in the event they were generally tractable and anyway we did folding, cutting and pasting which always has a calming effect on most pupils in my experience.

It is a strange fact that, however mundane the practical task involving a few sheets of A4 paper is, pupils take an inordinate pride in the finished article. In this case we were constructing the board, envelope and cards for a game of chance based on The Victorian Workhouse with the ‘chance’ cards emblazoned with the image of a bowl of gruel and a question mark. There are indeed no limits to which I will not stoop to keep a hyper class quiet!

I have already constructed one game with Year 8 connected with the English Civil War for which I have designed a ‘wallpaper’ design for the back of the cards using a woodcut from the period. I can feel a hankering for cutting and pasting myself to produce a version of the game to ‘encourage’ the kids to do likewise! You could also see it as a giving in to the desire to ‘make’ something which can be loosely bundled under the heading of ‘creative’ to compensate for all the dull photocopying that I have done for the past two weeks.

I am looking forward to My Day in Court and I only hope that it is not too much of an anti-climax. I am hoping that the inexorable wheels of justice will crush beneath its iron rims the presumptuous audacity of The Owner of The School That Sacked Me. I suppose that it is an engaging aspect of my essential bright eyed naivety that I still retain a child-like faith in the essential ever undefeated power of justice.

As I often say, “We shall see.”

To put an antic disposition on!

Tomorrow staff are expected to don a costume of some sort and enter into the spirit of Carnival.

For the week so far the primary section of the school has been indulging in a variety of effects which we in secondary have been, thankfully exempt. The overall headteacher has, however been seen in a ludicrously large tie and was reputed to have had his face painted today – though I have to report that when I saw him at the end of the day he looked fairly normal!

Carnival is taken very seriously and there will be ‘events’ during the day tomorrow which will seriously incommode the normal teaching schedule. I mostly feel a sense of relief that I do not have to make another costume and crown and I can subside into the easy laziness of donning my academic gown and appurtenances peculiar to a teacher at Hogwarts!

Some sort of lurgi is working its way around the staff in the school and a regular procession of sick bow out of the schedules and leave lessons for the rest of us to fill. I have now experienced a Year 9 Spanish class, Year 11 biology class and a Year 7 art class to widen my experience of the teaching pleasure that this school affords. It would be churlish of me to complain as my timetable is liberally sprinkled with ‘study’ period and ‘free’ periods to accommodate the needs of the examinations officer’s timetable which I am following – but without the need to do the examinations bit! I try and maintain a low profile in the free period department and hope that I do not loose too many in the course of the week.

My time as a history teacher (sorry, The history teacher) is drawing to a close with less than a week left. Tomorrow will be at best a fractured experience and Monday is a day off, so there are only two clear working days left before my departure.

My present school made an interesting offer to me to stay on, but I have given my word to the next school to take up my duties from Thursday of next week.

It is an odd experience to know that I am about to leave while my colleagues are probably assuming that I am going to stay on until the final return of the normal teacher. It will also be an odd experience for my next school as my colleagues there have not been told that I am going to make a return appearance (by popular demand, obviously!) and take up my old classes again! Feel like some sort of secret envoy talking to senior staff in both institutions and wonder what the effect of my disappearance from one and my subsequent reappearance in other will have.

I am much looking forward to the experience!

Paper cuts

Let us take our success where we can find it.

I have, at last mastered the paper towel machine in the toilets in my new school. One has, of course a preference for paper towels because the hot air hand dryers are invariably inefficient and seem to leave your hands even wetter than before you started attempting to dry them.

The particular machine in use in our school is one which issues sheets of what appears to be recycled paper from a roll. The technique necessary to obtain a sheet for use is to tug the serrated bottom edge of the visible paper until it comes to a natural stop. It is then essential that an easy sideways sweep is completed while drawing the paper forward to bring it into contact with the cutting edge of the machine to detach the sheet. After a short pause the machine will extrude a short section of the paper towel with a rhythmic clunk available for the next user to pull and detach a towel.

The trick (and believe me there is a trick) is to draw down, pull and cut before the machine clunks, otherwise you will cut off the section that the next person has to pull. Over hasty pulling will split the paper leading to unequal pressure on the paper and ensuring that the whole dispensing process becomes fouled and impossible as shreds of paper block the easy egress of the paper towels.

For the first time in six days I had two Perfect Pulls!

The unusual nature of this achievement is clearly indicated by the fact that I am almost invariably presented with insignificant, tattered remnants of paper which defy by attempts to grasp and pull. Which makes my achievement today all the more impressive.

I dwell on this success to compensate for the fiasco which marked my attempts to come to professional terms with the photocopier.

I am, it has to be said an experienced user of these machines. Man and boy I would not like to compute the number of hours that I have spent chained to a photocopier; many of those same hours spent with a simmering sense of repressed fury as the damned machine refused to do it was created to do – i.e. photocopy.

And this is before I count the number of times that I have been frustrated by the lack of paper.

A combination of irritations managed to prolong a fairly simple photocopying job into a marathon. And I lost a free period. And it was one of my lunch time duty days.

But the day eventually ended and I was, eventually, able to get back to my visitors. It was good to see Ceri and Dianne and go out to dinner. Apart from the fact that I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t Friday as I shared an unusual bottle of white wine.

Tomorrow, as they say, is another day: and a school day too!