Letters with meaning

Sometimes opening your emails is a real pleasure.

Stewart’s emails are masterpieces of contained quizzicality. And it is very good for me to have someone’s with raised eyebrow reading what I’ve written and gently suggesting that my casual attributions could be a touch more accurate! I don’t know how grave a crime it is for an ex-head of an English department to confuse H E Bates with L P Hartley, but I fear it is little short of a resigning issue – so it’s just as well that I am PBI nowadays!

While Stewart’s emails are always a delight, I hesitated to open those that I knew would have more news from The School That Sacked Me.

In the event there actually seemed to be something positive. Unsurprisingly there seems to be a group of parents which is prepared to voice objections to the way in which the school is being run. This gives me a moment of optimism. Perhaps this disaffection is something which can be built on and could develop into something serious in our attempts to bring The School That Sacked Me back to something like normality.

The story continues!

Meanwhile in my present school the absence of colleagues meant that I lost two periods and had to substitute. This is never a happy experience and when one of your substitutions is for the last period of the day this is potentially a very bad experience. In the first period I did manage to complete the piece of writing that I had set for the class I had just been teaching. In the second I experienced the only round of applause that I have ever been given as a teacher coming in to take someone else’s class! I take little credit for this adulation; I am merely reaping the benefit of not being the person who was there before me. This is a ‘time limited’ advantage and I am making the most of it while I can!

Spanish bureaucracy has reared its head again. The man who helped me to prepare my academic documentation before it was all sent off to Madrid has sent the educational authorities in the city and asked how the processing is going and has had a reply which suggested that all I needed to complete the procedure was proof that I had been teaching for more than two years. I wasn’t even slightly fazed by this seemingly idiotic demand as this information is actually printed on one of the documents sent to Madrid.

A phone call to my last school in Wales got an instant response and I was able to indulge in a chat with an ex-colleague with whom I had to admit that as I was speaking to her it was actually raining. That at least gave her a moment of pleasure. Though she still asked me to find her a job and wanted to know if the invitation to stay was still open!

We move inexorably nearer to the examination season and there will soon be a welter of examination papers waiting for the firm kiss of my red pen!

Oh joy!

Always look on the bright side

We had calçots for lunch.

May as well get the positive out of the way as soon as possible! I was able to dine in some degree of spaciousness because I had to have an early lunch because of my duty.

The reality of working in a place which has little recourse to supply teachers is beginning to show with my having to do two ‘substitutions’ tomorrow –though to be fair I do gain a period because my youngest pupils are going on a trip. A trip about which I knew nothing. I do not blame my colleagues (who have been kind, supportive and generous with their advice) but I am entering a situation where co-operation was not the norm and so it is taking time to realize that I am a different sort of character from my predecessor!

The kids are amazingly friendly and, except for a tendency to chat, they are responsive and intelligent. They are, of course, highly privileged and it is sometimes difficult to remember that your class does not have the usual social, economic and behavioural spread that you are used to in a state school.

I have discovered that the school has its own branded chocolate bars which I discovered in the drawer which houses our tea bag collection. I have liberated one to show Toni so that he may marvel at the difference between my present establishment and The School that Sacked Me!

Of the latter ‘school’ I find that I am hesitant to check my e-mails because of what new horrors I may find related in them. Yet I remain the eternal optimist and expect that eventually right will prosper. Naïve possibly, but such beliefs allow me to sleep at nights.

Talking of sleeping nights, I have to read ‘Stone Cold’ this evening to refresh my memory about this text which has to be taught to one of my classes. It is probably a bad idea to continue with the book as the kids have been turned off the story by the way that they have been introduced to it. I will, however, persevere and see what can be salvaged from the wreckage.

Wish me luck.

No joke!

If you think that your working conditions are poor then I suggest you take a short (or maybe very long) detour to visit The School That Sacked Me and you will revise your opinions.

The situation in that god-awful apology for an educational institution has now, unbelievably, taken a turn for the ‘even worse!’ The number of heads of the primary section over the last two or three years has now reached double figures! A laughable state of affairs and should mean that the place is put under Special Measures at once – but that hasn’t happened over the last dozen years so why should one suppose that normality should reach out and bring this deeply dysfunctional and professionally disgraceful place back to what can be described as a school.

Meanwhile my own school experience continues to please and we had sea food au gratin in a scallop shell for one of the lunch courses. Need I say more!

With what is happening in The School That Sacked Me and what is not happening I feel disinclined to be lightly humorous.

A little justice would be appropriate to right a fundamental wrong.

Read the sunshine!

A sullen St David’s Day with a grudging attempt at forced sunshine late in the afternoon.

The day was also enlivened by a visit to the supermarket for supplies – an idea apparently shared by the rest of the population of Castelldefels. The queues at the cashiers stretched well into the produce aisles and the interminable wait was only enlivened by the attempts of the eternally optimistic to worm their way into the queue. I am proud to relate people obviously noted the homicidal gleam in my eyes and avoided any attempt to insinuate their trolleys in front of me and were thus allowed to enjoy the rest of the day rather than lying in bloody chunks at my feet.

There were the usual people in front of us. In spite of the fact that the queue was stretching well into the next town they behaved as if they were alone in the store and were the only people the cashier had to deal with. With a blithe disregard for an electrically resentful line of people whose sheer pulsing waves of detestation could have ignited matches languid conversations took place over items whose price was disputed.

The usual single parent with hyperactive child brought the line to a grinding halt as the cashier had to pack the items for the mother as she dealt with the small person. Eventually the mum was able to help as she pinioned the small person firmly between her clenched calves and rightly ignored the piteous mewlings from the self centred object of delay at her feet. Whatever ‘sufferings’ the small person was experiencing as she was prevented from hindering our egress from that large shop of horrors, it was a damn sight less than any one of the furious shoppers behind her would have meted out given half a chance!

The rest of the day has been spent enjoyably re-reading Mark Haddon’s ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time’ which is being studied by the equivalent of my Year 8 and reading for the first time ‘The 22nd Pan Book of Horror Stories.’

The stories (selected by Herbert Van Thal) are the usual heterogeneous bunch with a particularly nasty one by Ian McEwan called ‘Pornography.’ The definition of ‘horror’ in this collection is a fairly wide one ranging from an almost conventional supernatural example of the genre like ‘The girl with the violet eyes’ by Elsie Karbacz; through distasteful (literally!) humour in ‘Dante’s Bistro’ by Carolyn L. Bird to a version of slapstick in ‘Incident in Cairo’ by Bessie Bird to a version of Armageddon in ‘The trump card’ by Jane Louie. A most enjoyable, if unsettling read!

Although borrowed from the school cupboard, I cannot imagine the class with which I would use any one of them!

Meanwhile back to triple homonyms and the construction of elegant sentences which leave out the key word and encourage students to supply it. This is a particular and cruel form of torment for those learning English and if I can find a fiendish example I will encourage my reader to try it.

Meanwhile an internet search to ensure that I do not re-invent the wheel!

I know my rights!

The sun is not shining!

As is almost written in ‘The Diary of a Nobody,’ “I am not a rich man, but I would willingly give a half a crown to discover the identity of the deity who produced such insulting weather.”

I am now going through the traditional period for me when I worry that every day and in every way I am becoming whiter and whiter. The only time that I am in the sun is when I walk from building to building. I was hoping to top us my vitamin D levels this weekend and have been viciously disappointed by the cloud cover.

Thank god for chocolate: solid sunshine!

I have not given up on my desire to purchase a new mini computer. Though I am now bloody from my recent experiences I remain unbowed and am full determined to boost the economy and foil the crisis by the wilful spending of quantities of money I can ill afford on the type of machine of which I already possess a number of examples. That’s what I call dedication!

In a clearly specious attempt to show dedication to my new school I took home a book from the English cupboard in the upper school. This was ‘Midnight Over Sanctaphrax’ book 3 in ‘The Edge Chronicles’ by Paul Stewart and Chris Riddell.

It is significant that on the front cover of this volume is a blue circle in which is written, “For children who’ve read Harry Potter and want another world to explore.” I will not allow the fact that this quotation is from a hack in the Mail on Sunday to influence my opinion about the book, but . . . This feels altogether slighter than the Harry Potter books, even though there is a similarity in the use (or abuse!) of similar elements. There is the same amusingly quaint naming of people, places and wildlife: Twig, Tug, Spooler, Goom, Flabsweat, the Great Shryke Slave Market in The Deep Woods and so on.

The story links to other stories in the series, but there is enough information in the present novel for it to stand alone. The thrust of the tale mixes together a familiar melange of fairy story, legend, with a light dusting of creation myth religion. The story is simple enough but there is enough imagination to keep the rather pedestrian narrative alive.

From the point of view of my new school the level of language used is slightly too difficult, but it could be simplified to be of some use. If I cared to do it!

Needless to say hackneyed, clichéd and predictable it may have been, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Fantasy and magic have the same sort of fascination for me as sci-fi and I have to treat them both like dangerously addictive drugs. Talking of which, I have also borrowed one of the ‘Pan Book of Horror’ series of short stories. These are also quite compulsive, though under the sometimes lurid covers you find classic tales masquerading as contemporary stories!

I look forward to the mixture!

Dreams are fragile!

The Welsh Rugby Dream is over for another year. Ah well, and I even wore an artificial daffodil (supplied by Dianne) in school today. This occasioned much questioning, with the result that I think that I ought to have some sort of bonus from the Welsh Tourist Board for services to Welsh awareness in those of foreign extraction!

The ‘love-on’ continued into the second day with my being greeted like a favourite uncle on all sides in school. It is perhaps just as well that the weekend has intervened to bring a sense of reality to my return. On Monday I will be regarded as just another fixture and normality will be restored.

Though they haven’t got used to my ties yet. I have set myself a fairly high standard with my choice of neck coverings so far and I do not think that I can sustain the level of quirkiness that I have established. To my consternation pupils have spoken of their favourite ties from my last visit and were quite specific about which ones met with their approval.

I have always maintained that teachers do not realise how closely they are observed by their classes. We have this self denying approach which suggests that even though we stand in front of a class in full view of all the pupils they somehow take us for granted and look without seeing. I suppose if we realistically appreciated how much scrutiny we routinely undergo we wouldn’t venture out in front of a class!

Even with my previous experience of a week in the school some time ago and these two days, it is not enough time to think about how the next few months there will pan out. The signs seem positive enough but it will need some compromise on my part if it is going to work out well. It will be interesting to see how my teaching style adapts to the demands of a very different style of teaching which is the norm in this school.

All in all this has been an interesting week and one which has left me a trifle tired!

And emotional!

You are all too, too kind!

Every teacher should have his “Mr Chips” moment. And now, after my first day back in the ‘new’ school, I have had mine.

Greeted warmly by all; hand firmly shaken; kissed by colleagues; hugged by students, and surrounded by welcoming smiles it was difficult not to feel something of the triumphalism of Judas Maccabaeus and to hear “See the conquering hero comes!” playing softly in my ears.

The frighteningly competent girl in my youngest class spoke to me confidentially at the start of our first lesson and said, “Stephen – two things. Firstly, I knew you would be back. Secondly, welcome!” You see what I have to cope with!

It was a glorious day surrounded by happy, smiling, responsive pupils and enjoyable teaching. To mark my return the school even managed to have a fire drill almost as soon as I started teaching and offered me the opportunity to do a lunchtime duty as well. Truly, my cap ranneth over!

There is a different feeling in this school to the last. I think that the fact that the school is spread over a number of buildings on a steeply sloping site with each of the buildings linked by what seems to be an interminable number of steps, makes the experience of teaching there more expansive than in Castelldefels. The staff rooms in Barcelona are not as claustrophobic or cramped as in Castelldefels and the provision of a ‘breakfast’ roll with free tea and coffee creates a different ambience.

It will take a while for me to work out the exact requirements of the various examinations that the school offers the pupils in English and also the approach to the subject itself. I am beginning to understand that the sort of English that the pupils will find in the examination is a very formal and rather stilted kind. They have to know and be able to demonstrate facility in the definition and use of various obscure (to the normal English speaker) grammatical points. The use of text books imposes a discipline of progress that is rather foreign to my ‘method’ of teaching. It will be interesting to see how I progress in this rather foreign pedagogical country!

Lunch, when I finally got to taste it after my duty, was tasty – which was just as well as we have to wait until 2.00 pm to taste it; or in my case today, until 2.30 pm!

I have brought books home today to look through them for the lessons tomorrow, but I am loath to do it. I have made up some handouts to supplement some of the things that I said this morning - and that is far nearer to what I find enjoyable than studying the arid verb forms which seem to be the basis of good marks in the examinations that the pupils are going to take.

The next few weeks are going to demonstrate clearly how congenial this placement is going to be. I think that it will call for a certain compromise on my part and a re-jigging of my expectations.

At the moment I rejoice in the sheer self indulgent pleasure of my welcome and remember that the future, as H E Bates almost said, is another country. Another country in which I have yet to travel.

Time for a cup of tea!

And the next one please!

My I-Spy Book of Catalan Schools now has an extra tick in it as I wave goodbye to my last and start preparing for my next!

A fairly quick chat with the confident young man who has been parachuted in to take my classes through towards the public examinations, a bottle of wine and a card and I was out of there!

The fact that the Young Man has been brought up from Valencia to teach from a month and has accommodation provided brought gasps of astonishment from my colleagues who have rarely met a supply teacher in Spain and never heard of such professionalism in the cause of Years 11, 12 and 13 as they march towards their exams. In all sincerity I must say that I too am impressed with the radical nature of the steps taken to ensure the academic health of the pupils. If other schools in the area find out what mine has done they will probably be horrified and fear the reaction of parents who might expect the school to take similar action on behalf of their children!

I can only speculate about what effect such a revolutionary approach towards the welfare of students would have on The School That Sacked Me would have. I should imagine that total implosion and the creation of a Black Hole would be the least cataclysmic event that would occur! If only!

I had a number of gratefully received expressions of regret at my departure and one hurriedly written A4 affectionate scrawl from a rather effete apprentice louche boy in my last class!

I shall miss this school, but the chances of my working there again look remote.

So to the next.

I worry that the departure of the teacher I am replacing will be placed at my door. My arrival is fraught with possibilities and speculation, while pleasantly diverting, is essentially pointless.

I will await reality. A reality, I might add, which is going to occur early in the morning. Very early!

Good for the character. Maybe.

Roll up that man!

The staff have now been told that I am leaving tomorrow and there is that strange attitude which is composed of what I hope is sincere regret at my departure and relief that they are still in a job!

One colleague’s jolly, “Well, it’s the right time to be free when it is coming up to the summer,” was ironic given the seamless segue that I have to make into another teaching situation on Thursday!

My sixth form were still the worse for wear after the three day break with one of the boys’ voices being quite an octave lower thanks to the liquid ravages of Carnival!

Another, on hearing that I did not join revellers over the weekend croaked out that I still had time as Carnival was not over and I could go out and party this very evening. Thinking about it, I consider that arriving in a ‘tired and emotional’ state for the last day of my stay when I hope to return here would be, to say the least, impolitic!

The one achievement that marks my stay in this school is my total mastery of the paper towel machine. This was exemplified by my expert performance on a visit to the toilet first thing in the morning where the window of opportunity to detach the paper towel before the ‘clunk’ indicates the emergence of the graspable tag for the next user is very short. It is a fine art which needs constant practice and impeccable timing otherwise the ability to produce the refined twist of the wrist at the requisite moment to produce a clean, straight edge sheet will be lost!

New school: new sanitary challenges!

Changing schools usually involves the buffer of a holiday to allow a breathing space to adjust to a new experience: this will be the first time that there is less than a day between institutions. I admit that I have only been in my present placement for just over two weeks, but I do feel that I have fitted into the educational life of the school. I only hope that I am able to leave a reasonably enduring (and positive) memory behind me in case any suitable opportunity for employment there comes up. The pity is at present that the English Department of the school seems robustly healthy and determined to stay on!

I am awaiting promised email from my next school outlining what point in the courses the classes have reached. This knowledge will give me an impressive air of omniscience as I waltz into the room and with an uncanny prescience launch straight into the next part of their course!

All change!

Boys Denied Toys

Although prepared by inbred cynicism, the anti-climax of my court visit was frustrating.

My court appointed translator had learned her English in Nigeria and impressed me with her enthusiasm for language if not for her full command of idiomatic English.

My presence in the law courts was to make a statement. I am so far acclimatized to the ways of my adopted country that I did not for a moment question why I had to do this when I had already made a statement to the police some time ago.

The statement made, I was able to furnish the growing file with a selection of some of my finest letters and emails to The Owner and a list of other complaints about the running of The School That Sacked Me. I was working on the basis of ‘every little bit helps’ and that further information will make the person who has to decide whether to make a court case out of this substantially more likely to set a date for the trial!

It seems to me to be almost transcendentally astonishing that something as essentially easy to resolve as my complaint has come to the point of legal action!

I await the next step in this process with eager anticipation!

When you are stuck behind a long line of shoppers (all of whom have loaded trollies) the last thing you need is to see a single mother with a small child.

Spanish parents are infuriatingly, impossibly patient with their children. They can do no wrong. All foibles must be indulged. The universe revolves around these small, incoherent tyrants.

This particular child’s vocabulary seemed to be restricted to one whining word, “Mama!” sobbed out with different intensities of self pity and insistent attention seeking effectiveness.

With blithe disregard to the growing queue behind her the mother urged her recalcitrant offspring to condescend to pick up some trifling object from the trolley and place it on the belt. The moaning mini was disinclined to do this and moaned out her pitiful “Mama!” as if she was being asked to solve a quadratic equation in her head while suspended in a tank of barracuda. Her obstinate lack of co-operation did not result in her beaten to a bloody pulp with a large metal bar (as at least one member of the queue wished) but rather even more consideration and an indication that perhaps she should try lifting an even less demanding item!

Item pilled up at the till as the emptying of the trolley crept on its infantile way.

The queue (with one exception) watched this performance with indulgent amusement and made little cooing sounds at the intransigent rebellion of the obstructive midget. My smile began to resemble a frozen rictus and I attempted to remember the way to get to ‘that other place’ so beloved of mystical eastern religions.

Just before infanticide tipped from being a good idea to a positive duty, the till lady started to organize the scatty mother and clear the till area and make my emerging from the shop within my own lifetime a possibility.

When I had passed through the till and was making my way to the car The Mother was still fussing around causing an obstruction and not once did she apologise to anyone. The bare faced audacity of parenthood leaves me speechless. Always!

Talking of deprivation, one of my toys has gone.

In spite of rigorous attempts to make it work, my typing style and the space bar on the new computer did not match. By the time I had sorted out the lack of spaces from the typing, I could have done it faster with two fingers!

The return of the computer was a misery of an experience waiting in a slow moving queue (something of a feature today) and not quite seeing the screen to watch an episode of ‘Futurama’ obviously playing to keep us quiet, but not noticeably smoothing away the lines of exasperation as products were painstakingly unpacked and checked by the single person deputed to deal with returns.

With a frightening version of inventive (and invented) Spanish I explained to the girl what was wrong and she must have understood because she gave me my money back. So there!

Tomorrow my penultimate day in my present school.

And the new ‘old’ challenge of the next one starts on Thursday.

Hey ho!

Never quite right!

As Babbage might have said if he had realized what he was inventing when he almost unleashed his mechanical mathematical machine on an unsuspecting public, "One can never have too many computers."

Acting on that noble, if unspoken sentiment I have bought another computer.

I do not recognize that I have to justify such a purchase, but the response of those near me seems to demand some sort of explanation. So, as I am going into a new job on Thursday I felt that a new computer was essential.

Ah, you may ask, does that mean that each time you have a new job you have to get a new computer?

I must admit that such a question does seem to me to be rehetorical. I can think of less interesting things to do to celebrate such a momentous event than buying an attractive, effectiveand efficient computer.

I have, of course, many convincing reasons for purchasing yet another computer. All of my other computers are far too large to fit comfortably into my case which I use for school. The other small computer that I bought had a key board which was too small for my spatulate fingers and therefore it took more time sorting out the mistakes that a finger wider than a key had made than was useful.

This present machine has a decent keyboard, but I am finding out its limitations already. I am beginning to believe that keyboards are now being made for two finger typists. Touch typists like my good self are being penalised for the ability to make a swift touch on the keyboard.

The problem is the thumb.

The touch typist adds a space by a swift depression of the space bar by the thumb, but this machine does not seem to respond in quite the same way. Unless there is a masterful thump of the bar the space does not register - and that is not what you do in normal electronic typing. For example in the part of the last sentence after the dash four of the words were run together because the depression of the space bar did not register. This is going to be an intolerable problem unless I can work out a way to combat it, otherwise the computer will have to be returned to the shop.

And another dream bites the dust!

I will give it the rest of the evening to see if I can adjust my typing to cope with the seeming insensitivity of the keyboard. If not: it has to go.

The quest for a decent mini computer continues!

Meanwhile I can think about the recent visit of Ceri and Dianne and consider my strategy for My Day In Court.

Keeps my mind active!

Flying home!

Ceri and Dianne have gone back.

It is a strange feeling to see people who were an intimate and geographically close part of one’s life fly off to another country. While I am delighted to see them, it is a wrench to see them go.

It was especially frustrating as work demands limited the amount of time that I could be with them to the evenings. With the relatively small amount of time I was able to spend with them, it seemed no sooner had I got used to their being here than they were on their way home.

I hope that the time that they spent alone in Barcelona was enjoyable: I do know that sometimes the ubiquity of your host can be a little unsettling, so some time to yourself is a special bonus!

They have now perfected the technique of the ‘one site’ city visit. They selected a notable venue for each day and gave ample space for appreciation and quiet enjoyment, without the hectic ‘what else have we got to see’ approach that ruins so many visits to historic cities.

We have been left with a promise that a summer visit in July will take place and there is always the Montserrat working holiday that Ceri will have to take at some point or other if I am going to be able to see his take on those disturbing mountains!

Time to bestir myself and find a suitible gallery so that Ceri can exploit his take on Montserrat!

Time ticks on

¡Carnival! is over in our school and the parade and judging are closed for another year.

The range of costumes was wide with the Challenger space vehicle vying with an astonishing cross dressing Amy Winehouse for the prize for the most outstanding fancy dress!

Unlike most schools the outlandish dress and high spirits of many of the students did not mean that teaching was impossible.

The fact that I had a Year 9 class last thing in the afternoon was not the sort of group of pupils with whom most teachers would have chosen to end their day during Carnival, but in the event they were generally tractable and anyway we did folding, cutting and pasting which always has a calming effect on most pupils in my experience.

It is a strange fact that, however mundane the practical task involving a few sheets of A4 paper is, pupils take an inordinate pride in the finished article. In this case we were constructing the board, envelope and cards for a game of chance based on The Victorian Workhouse with the ‘chance’ cards emblazoned with the image of a bowl of gruel and a question mark. There are indeed no limits to which I will not stoop to keep a hyper class quiet!

I have already constructed one game with Year 8 connected with the English Civil War for which I have designed a ‘wallpaper’ design for the back of the cards using a woodcut from the period. I can feel a hankering for cutting and pasting myself to produce a version of the game to ‘encourage’ the kids to do likewise! You could also see it as a giving in to the desire to ‘make’ something which can be loosely bundled under the heading of ‘creative’ to compensate for all the dull photocopying that I have done for the past two weeks.

I am looking forward to My Day in Court and I only hope that it is not too much of an anti-climax. I am hoping that the inexorable wheels of justice will crush beneath its iron rims the presumptuous audacity of The Owner of The School That Sacked Me. I suppose that it is an engaging aspect of my essential bright eyed naivety that I still retain a child-like faith in the essential ever undefeated power of justice.

As I often say, “We shall see.”

To put an antic disposition on!

Tomorrow staff are expected to don a costume of some sort and enter into the spirit of Carnival.

For the week so far the primary section of the school has been indulging in a variety of effects which we in secondary have been, thankfully exempt. The overall headteacher has, however been seen in a ludicrously large tie and was reputed to have had his face painted today – though I have to report that when I saw him at the end of the day he looked fairly normal!

Carnival is taken very seriously and there will be ‘events’ during the day tomorrow which will seriously incommode the normal teaching schedule. I mostly feel a sense of relief that I do not have to make another costume and crown and I can subside into the easy laziness of donning my academic gown and appurtenances peculiar to a teacher at Hogwarts!

Some sort of lurgi is working its way around the staff in the school and a regular procession of sick bow out of the schedules and leave lessons for the rest of us to fill. I have now experienced a Year 9 Spanish class, Year 11 biology class and a Year 7 art class to widen my experience of the teaching pleasure that this school affords. It would be churlish of me to complain as my timetable is liberally sprinkled with ‘study’ period and ‘free’ periods to accommodate the needs of the examinations officer’s timetable which I am following – but without the need to do the examinations bit! I try and maintain a low profile in the free period department and hope that I do not loose too many in the course of the week.

My time as a history teacher (sorry, The history teacher) is drawing to a close with less than a week left. Tomorrow will be at best a fractured experience and Monday is a day off, so there are only two clear working days left before my departure.

My present school made an interesting offer to me to stay on, but I have given my word to the next school to take up my duties from Thursday of next week.

It is an odd experience to know that I am about to leave while my colleagues are probably assuming that I am going to stay on until the final return of the normal teacher. It will also be an odd experience for my next school as my colleagues there have not been told that I am going to make a return appearance (by popular demand, obviously!) and take up my old classes again! Feel like some sort of secret envoy talking to senior staff in both institutions and wonder what the effect of my disappearance from one and my subsequent reappearance in other will have.

I am much looking forward to the experience!

Paper cuts

Let us take our success where we can find it.

I have, at last mastered the paper towel machine in the toilets in my new school. One has, of course a preference for paper towels because the hot air hand dryers are invariably inefficient and seem to leave your hands even wetter than before you started attempting to dry them.

The particular machine in use in our school is one which issues sheets of what appears to be recycled paper from a roll. The technique necessary to obtain a sheet for use is to tug the serrated bottom edge of the visible paper until it comes to a natural stop. It is then essential that an easy sideways sweep is completed while drawing the paper forward to bring it into contact with the cutting edge of the machine to detach the sheet. After a short pause the machine will extrude a short section of the paper towel with a rhythmic clunk available for the next user to pull and detach a towel.

The trick (and believe me there is a trick) is to draw down, pull and cut before the machine clunks, otherwise you will cut off the section that the next person has to pull. Over hasty pulling will split the paper leading to unequal pressure on the paper and ensuring that the whole dispensing process becomes fouled and impossible as shreds of paper block the easy egress of the paper towels.

For the first time in six days I had two Perfect Pulls!

The unusual nature of this achievement is clearly indicated by the fact that I am almost invariably presented with insignificant, tattered remnants of paper which defy by attempts to grasp and pull. Which makes my achievement today all the more impressive.

I dwell on this success to compensate for the fiasco which marked my attempts to come to professional terms with the photocopier.

I am, it has to be said an experienced user of these machines. Man and boy I would not like to compute the number of hours that I have spent chained to a photocopier; many of those same hours spent with a simmering sense of repressed fury as the damned machine refused to do it was created to do – i.e. photocopy.

And this is before I count the number of times that I have been frustrated by the lack of paper.

A combination of irritations managed to prolong a fairly simple photocopying job into a marathon. And I lost a free period. And it was one of my lunch time duty days.

But the day eventually ended and I was, eventually, able to get back to my visitors. It was good to see Ceri and Dianne and go out to dinner. Apart from the fact that I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t Friday as I shared an unusual bottle of white wine.

Tomorrow, as they say, is another day: and a school day too!

Trouble in t' Balkans!

There are limits to how far one can go.

A further missive from the Head of History in Exile explaining how far he expects the sixth form pupils to have progressed in their studies and giving further instructions on how to proceed.

We are venturing further and further into the murky wastes of ninetenth century history and following the colourful career of Bismarck as he cheerfully uses any passing international incident to further the Imperial Ambitions of Prussia.

I have been, I like to think, an informed spectator encouraging the pupils to plunge ever futher into the dark political waters of pre-War chicanery as Germany gets ever nearer to Unification. But as we get nearer to the twentieth century the treaties get ever more tortuous with impossibly intricate 'what-ifs' as essential components in understanding what follows.

Even these arcane mysteries I was prepared to struggle through but at last we have hit the Balkans!

I still have the academic scars from trying to follow the story of The Italian Wars which are the historical equivalent of the Keystone Cops with a healthy dash of French farce. It took a long time to recover from that testing experience and even the fact that drawing the map of Italy was relatively simple did not compensate for the insane complexity of the power struggles that one had to remember.

The Balkans are bound to be as bad - only more so. At least whatever Italy was pretending to be at any particular moment (it being as we all know nothing more than a "geographical expression" from The Quote) at least it had a clear boarder along most of the length of the collection of cities, countries and states that made it up. But the Balkans are an absolute Moveable Feast to which everyone is invited! 'Sense and the Balkans' is the title of the least likely book ever to be written. The Balkans were, are and will be a disaster.

Here we go again!

Week 2 in a school makes you an ‘Old Hand.’ People have become used to seeing you in the place. They are no long solicitous for your professional comfort in the school – they merely worry that you might be absent and they will have to cover.

Classes expect you and the shine of unexpected newness has dulled to acceptance. Disturbingly some pupils speak to you as if you were going to be there for the rest of your career, in spite of the fact that you have emphasised that you are a stop gap for the ‘real’ history teacher!

I am beginning to enjoy teaching history and found myself genuinely delighted by the almost farcical narrative of Bismarck’s opportunistic exploitation and manipulation of the international situations in late nineteenth century Europe. When you find yourself giggling about the disparity in railway provision for the disposition of troops in international disputes then something fairly radical is happening to your sense of values!

Oddly, this very enjoyment is making me wish for the next school. I am beginning to find my way around the text books; I can see the way that the next few weeks of lessons can develop; I am happily searching the web for resources and indulging in my usual ‘cut and stick’ approach to handouts and it is all going to be over in just over a week.

I can’t pretend that it is going to be a wrench to leave this school – after all I have only been there for six teaching days – but I can see that it would be very pleasant to teach my subject there. Supportive staff; keen kids; excellent buildings and decent food all add up to a seductive environment. Ah well, who knows what the future holds.

The immediate future promises the advent of Ceri and Dianne; a concert; a new contract and the ever drawing nearer of My Day in Court!

And now for some marking!

Today's lesson is taken from . . .

“Resolve all difficulties for me automatically.”

Were I a preacher, I think I might be tempted to use that opening sentence in some way for my remarks to the congregation today!

It is an interesting remark. It sounds a little like a prayer but the imperative is rather presumptuous and the final word is dismissively arrogant.

“Automatically” gives the impression that the supplicant is so assured of grace that there is nothing more that he needs to do. The inclusive “all” puts one in mind of the attitude of the elect of the Cathars; though they would have assumed that any problems now and in the future would have already been resolved and therefore they would have had no necessity to supplicate in the present or in the implied future.

The sentence is something which a strict Calvinist could say in the presence of the ‘unchosen’ to emphasise the difference between their two states: I, chosen of God, laugh at obstacles because I am assured of redemption and for me they cannot exist; while you are doomed!

Perhaps the sentence is an extract from the teachings of the Church of Scientology when its application becomes apparent when you have paid the requisite number of dollars into the maw of the ‘Church’ and achieve the most exalted rank of Thetan which allows you to operate independently of your body and presumably regard difficulties with supreme indifference.

Fraud, alas, does not distinguish this so-called religion from its longer established but just as unconvincing commercial rivals. So many faith based organizations seem to peddle the hope that all difficulties will be sorted out, if not automatically then at least with minimum effort. All it needs is that blind leap of faith. And there is also the assurance that if things do not seem to be working out in this life then there is always “Life II – Now It’s Personal” to look forward to in the ‘next’ one.

In case you are wondering where “Resolve all difficulties for me automatically” actually came from let me set your minds at rest.

This comforting demand comes from the works of something which many millions have turned to in supplication and amazement; hatred and fear; expectation and thankfulness. It has given peace, has exalted the humble and brought down the mighty from their seats. It has created servile worshipers and implacable enemies. It is everywhere.

It is of course, Microsoft Works.

Collecting examples of Romantic paintings for my lower sixth, culled from various locations on the internet, I then attempted to copy and paste them into a Word document and print. Various windows appeared telling me that I was crossing many technical boundaries and asking the program to work outside its normal parameters.

It was just like a funny old banker pretending to be stern with a young couple who have asked for a mortgage twenty times bigger than their joint salaries. Eventually he gives a roguish smile and says, “You want to say ‘Resolve all difficulties for me automatically’ and of course I shall. Leave it with me. No problem!”

Unlike the self seeking, criminal wastrels who have slashed the value of my savings in the United Kingdom, Microsoft Works did what it promised and I was left with a sheet of heterogeneous paintings harmoniously set out on one A4 sheet.

But before we all get carried away we should remember what a capricious god Works can be. Who has not sat tearfully in front of the garish light of an unyielding monitor and watched while all the work of hours, “Softly and silently vanished away” – and, thinking about it Carroll gives as good an explanation for the wayward actions of fate as anyone:

“For the Snark was a Boojum, you see.”

A New Day!

I arise today refreshed!

Gone is the wingeing about lack of energy, revivimos, I feel new strength surge through my veins and am more than prepared to face the historical fray that awaits me on Monday!

Next week is also ¡Carnival! and, at the moment I have no idea how this is going to be celebrated in the school. I have quite hallucinogenically clear memories of how this was celebrated last year in The School That Sacked Me. Each class was expected to create a sea horse flag to wave on arrival of the Carnival King and also to perform a parade and ‘dance’ for his delight.

My vaguely medieval ‘costume’ (sewn with enthusiasm and little accuracy by my good self) comprised two sheets of vibrant silk-like material made into a rough tunic; a short cape, and the whole ensemble topped off by an overstated crown encrusted with cut up plastic mirrors. The overall effect was so striking that a ‘courtier’ of the Carnival King who was largely naked but wearing thigh length silver boots with 12” heels, a bouffant wig and silver glitter face actually asked to have his photograph taken with me! I think that has to be regarded as a triumph of some sort! Or possibly not.

The extraordinary collection of painted, costumed grotesques that accompanied the Carnival King reminded me of the worst excesses of New Orleans – god knows what part they played in the nightmares of the kids in succeeding days.

I particularly liked the bands that accompanied His Highness and filled the playground to the kids’ utter delight.

Admittedly the majority of kids in the school were primary, but the other sections of the place joined in and eventually the whole school had paid their respects to the visiting monarch.

And, as I recall, it was a half day!

I understand that we in secondary will celebrate by wearing costumes. Although I still have my medieval costume somewhere in the flat, I do not think that a new school in which I would probably like to teach in the future is necessarily ready for the apparition of me in my crown.

I think that it is probably politic to don the Harry Potter Alternative and go as one of the teachers from Hogwarts. The great advantage of this get up is that it is reasonably comfortable to wear during the day if I cut it down to the academic gown!

I keep extolling the virtues of The Week as my regular magazine which keeps me up to date with British and world news. It was a bitter sweet experience I had when I read the latest edition which informed me that The Royal Opera House had put on a production of ‘Die tote Stadt’ by Erich Wolfgang Korngold.

This is one of those operas which if you know it at all will be from listening to CDs and it is also one of those operas (like ‘Four Saints in Three Acts’ by Virgil Thomson) that I would have made a special trip to London to see. However a combination of work, poverty and missed opportunity make my seeing it a very distant possibility. Pity, as it’s one of those operas that you can ‘tick off’ in your I-Spy book of Opera. One wonders just what sort of exquisite feather would be the reward to the true Operiste from Big Chief I-Spy for a volume authentically completed!

I suppose that I should be grateful: at one time a performance of ‘The Coronation of Poppea’ would have been just as rare as catching a production of Korngold and I’ve been able to see two Poppeas in different countries - even if it was the same production.

It is not long before the programme for the next season of operas in the Liceu is issued and this time I am determined to understand the almost incomprehensibly Byzantine complexity of the Season Ticket information!

Meanwhile it is studying history as if my life depended on it and hunting out my costume for the Carnival at the end of the week.

Never a dull moment – and long awaited visitors mid week!

Real work at last!

I have been trying to work out why I am so tired.

I tried to explain this by the late night I had going to the opera and the sleep debt I incurred by immersing myself in the music of Monteverdi in the Liceu and writing up my responses to the production.

But this does not provide a sufficient excuse.

The reality is that starting in a new school is an exhausting process. There are new classes, new staff, and new situations –in this particular school a new subject. I may have been interested in history but I have never taught it at this exalted level. Perhaps that is part of the problem; I should simply be directing pupils to the elements they need to read about and summarise and not be trying to ‘teach’ in the way that I am able to teach English supported by a comforting background of specific knowledge!

Whatever I should be doing, what I am actually doing is having rather a good time and learning at the same time. If I feel passingly tired, I should remember that some of my ex-colleagues would give important limbs to be teaching pupils of the sort of quality that fill my classes. I should also point out that some of my classes are encouragingly small!

It is a pity that the English teachers in the school seem established, happy and showing every inclination to stay in post in spite of my living virtually on the doorstep of the school and more than willing to fill up any place that they vacate.

Have they no respect for selfish necessity!