In a school whose raison d’être is glorification and deification of the examination today was marked by something which can only be regarded as a sacrilegious act.
I was taking the equivalent of a year 9 class and going through the details of the examination that they would be sitting the next day and fielding the multitude of questions that any class in our school is capable of asking on something as trivial as how to write the date on the top of their notes, let alone something as complex as an examination.
After a challenging session in which I explained more phrasal verbs, common phrases and the difference between words like ‘glimpse’ and ‘glance’ and ‘totter’ and ‘hobble’ I was ready for the relative tranquillity of our scheduled English Department Meeting but . . .
Horror of horrors! The examination paper was missing! I searched the desk, the floor, my bag and everywhere else that I could think of, but the conclusion was inescapable: a child, eager to boost his mark had purloined the sacred pages of one of the Most Important Documents in the Universe – an exam paper.
We were, at first, inclined to disregard this. Watch the results and the idiot who suddenly, for no apparent reason rises from ignorant obscurity to the dizzy heights of double figure achievement in his mark out of ten, might well be the culprit.
I was happy to leave it at that, but the mind of our head of department yeastily considered all aspects of this heinous theft and considered the possibilities. Meanwhile another member of department appeared and helped me check again the places where I had been and looked surreptitiously at pupils’ desks to check that the incriminating papers were not lurking there.
She also asked me if I would mind rewriting the paper: a request from the absent head of department!
Now, in a twisted sort of way I rather enjoy that sort of thing. In our school you quickly become something of an expert in taking carefully crafted sentences from the text books which are obviously the product of some poor anorak wearing hack’s midnight oil burning life’s work and by changing a John to a Juan and London to Barcelona to produce a new and school specific question.
Sharpening my fingers and prodding my trusty little computer I was soon at word and weaving my linguistic magic and producing something that I hoped would at least confuse the putative miscreant when he opened his exam paper and saw questions looking (at least) radically different from the ones that he had purloined.
Job done and the pages printed out and checked I placed the finished magnum opus in the tray of the head of English.
I took the opportunity of a free period to try and bring some sense of order to my brief case which in recent weeks seemed to have assumed the physical properties of a black hole and the weight of the damn thing seemed to be increasing exponentially.
The more astute reader has, undoubtedly, already worked out what this paragraph is going to relate. And, of course, you are right. In the middle of a group of papers related to the equivalent of the sixth form there were the missing pages of the examination. In an envelope that I am willing to swear I didn’t . . . but then all hysterical justification is pointless.
The sorry saga has few redeeming features. The only positive aspect which allows me to salvage some shreds of self respect is that at least I told someone about what I suspected and didn’t try and pretend that nothing had happened! Small comfort!
And I have to face my colleagues tomorrow!
At least I am going out later tonight to have a few drinks with a couple of friends and I am sure that the lingering effects of alcohol will get me through the last day of the week!
I was taking the equivalent of a year 9 class and going through the details of the examination that they would be sitting the next day and fielding the multitude of questions that any class in our school is capable of asking on something as trivial as how to write the date on the top of their notes, let alone something as complex as an examination.
After a challenging session in which I explained more phrasal verbs, common phrases and the difference between words like ‘glimpse’ and ‘glance’ and ‘totter’ and ‘hobble’ I was ready for the relative tranquillity of our scheduled English Department Meeting but . . .
Horror of horrors! The examination paper was missing! I searched the desk, the floor, my bag and everywhere else that I could think of, but the conclusion was inescapable: a child, eager to boost his mark had purloined the sacred pages of one of the Most Important Documents in the Universe – an exam paper.
We were, at first, inclined to disregard this. Watch the results and the idiot who suddenly, for no apparent reason rises from ignorant obscurity to the dizzy heights of double figure achievement in his mark out of ten, might well be the culprit.
I was happy to leave it at that, but the mind of our head of department yeastily considered all aspects of this heinous theft and considered the possibilities. Meanwhile another member of department appeared and helped me check again the places where I had been and looked surreptitiously at pupils’ desks to check that the incriminating papers were not lurking there.
She also asked me if I would mind rewriting the paper: a request from the absent head of department!
Now, in a twisted sort of way I rather enjoy that sort of thing. In our school you quickly become something of an expert in taking carefully crafted sentences from the text books which are obviously the product of some poor anorak wearing hack’s midnight oil burning life’s work and by changing a John to a Juan and London to Barcelona to produce a new and school specific question.
Sharpening my fingers and prodding my trusty little computer I was soon at word and weaving my linguistic magic and producing something that I hoped would at least confuse the putative miscreant when he opened his exam paper and saw questions looking (at least) radically different from the ones that he had purloined.
Job done and the pages printed out and checked I placed the finished magnum opus in the tray of the head of English.
I took the opportunity of a free period to try and bring some sense of order to my brief case which in recent weeks seemed to have assumed the physical properties of a black hole and the weight of the damn thing seemed to be increasing exponentially.
The more astute reader has, undoubtedly, already worked out what this paragraph is going to relate. And, of course, you are right. In the middle of a group of papers related to the equivalent of the sixth form there were the missing pages of the examination. In an envelope that I am willing to swear I didn’t . . . but then all hysterical justification is pointless.
The sorry saga has few redeeming features. The only positive aspect which allows me to salvage some shreds of self respect is that at least I told someone about what I suspected and didn’t try and pretend that nothing had happened! Small comfort!
And I have to face my colleagues tomorrow!
At least I am going out later tonight to have a few drinks with a couple of friends and I am sure that the lingering effects of alcohol will get me through the last day of the week!
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