Today I worked on a lesson plan for poetry.
Friday I am due to see the doctor. Perhaps it is just in time!
Rather than dwell on worksheets being prepared for non existent classes I would rather return to a bête noir of mine – football.
Since I have met Toni I have increased my observation of that sport by an astonishing percentage. I have even, on odd occasions found myself actually concerned about the outcome of a match. I can now recognize and sometimes even name members of the Barça team. I know what position Barça holds in the league. I have even, when surrounded by people who do not know me, had a conversation about football!
I therefore consider it a right, if not a duty, to proffer my suggestions for the improvement of the game.
Firstly all the British home nations should be amalgamated into one national team. Even with my lack of real concern I am constantly appalled at the achievements of the representatives of the country that invented the bloody game. My ‘dual’ nationality is never sufficient to ward off the feelings of total alienation that surge to the surface each time one of the home nations fails yet again to pass through to the next round or onto the next stage or into the final twelve or whatever would give us a fighting chance of winning something for a change.
My next idea is to abolish the off side rule. My reasons for this are many and complex. As no one apart from non playing dedicated fans know what the rule actually is. The referees especially seem very hazy about the details of the rule. One only has to listen to the reaction of the crowds to realise this. If they don’t know about it, who does?
Abolition of the off side rule should also deal with one of the problems which keep football out of the USA: lack of goals and a result. The abolition should ensure a plethora of goals for virtually everyone on the field and thereby reduce the concentration of attention and totally underserved money in the vulgar grip of so-called strikers.
Payment by results is a concept which is generally accepted. This should be applied to football players with extreme prejudice. Every football player who has a yearly salary of more than that of a fully qualified teacher should be subject to a rigid assessment of his performance week by week. The assessors are no problem: they will be the people who pay for season tickets and who knew about the off side rule. Ten of them can be picked at random each week for each player and their assessment at the end of the match would determine the entitlement of each player’s remuneration.
For the national team members, their performance would determine whether their favourite car would stay in their multi car garage or be converted into a crushed square of metal which would be placed in the middle of their driveways.
The rest of my ideas for the improvement of the game are concerned with behaviour on the pitch.
Any player seen ‘diving’ should have his salary stopped at once and not paid until he had performed a medium difficulty dive from the top board of an Olympic quality pool and achieved at least an entry level score for participation in the Olympic games as judged by an international panel.
Any player who goes onto the pitch touching the grass, crossing himself and kissing his hand should immediately be given a yellow card and sin binned (another innovation I intend to make) for thirty minutes. This will be punishment for hypocrisy and blasphemy and for making a public statement of their inadequacy by not relying on their professional ability without metaphysical aid.
Kissing of the club badge after scoring a goal should merit an instant yellow card and fifteen minutes in the sin bin. It is totally offensive that the player give the impression that he is with the club for anything other than the vast sums of money that he is being paid. Anything else, suggesting that they are there because of personal commitment is anathema.
I am sure that you agree that these few trifling changes will benefit the spectator, the game and even the money blinded players.
One likes to help if one can.
Friday I am due to see the doctor. Perhaps it is just in time!
Rather than dwell on worksheets being prepared for non existent classes I would rather return to a bête noir of mine – football.
Since I have met Toni I have increased my observation of that sport by an astonishing percentage. I have even, on odd occasions found myself actually concerned about the outcome of a match. I can now recognize and sometimes even name members of the Barça team. I know what position Barça holds in the league. I have even, when surrounded by people who do not know me, had a conversation about football!
I therefore consider it a right, if not a duty, to proffer my suggestions for the improvement of the game.
Firstly all the British home nations should be amalgamated into one national team. Even with my lack of real concern I am constantly appalled at the achievements of the representatives of the country that invented the bloody game. My ‘dual’ nationality is never sufficient to ward off the feelings of total alienation that surge to the surface each time one of the home nations fails yet again to pass through to the next round or onto the next stage or into the final twelve or whatever would give us a fighting chance of winning something for a change.
My next idea is to abolish the off side rule. My reasons for this are many and complex. As no one apart from non playing dedicated fans know what the rule actually is. The referees especially seem very hazy about the details of the rule. One only has to listen to the reaction of the crowds to realise this. If they don’t know about it, who does?
Abolition of the off side rule should also deal with one of the problems which keep football out of the USA: lack of goals and a result. The abolition should ensure a plethora of goals for virtually everyone on the field and thereby reduce the concentration of attention and totally underserved money in the vulgar grip of so-called strikers.
Payment by results is a concept which is generally accepted. This should be applied to football players with extreme prejudice. Every football player who has a yearly salary of more than that of a fully qualified teacher should be subject to a rigid assessment of his performance week by week. The assessors are no problem: they will be the people who pay for season tickets and who knew about the off side rule. Ten of them can be picked at random each week for each player and their assessment at the end of the match would determine the entitlement of each player’s remuneration.
For the national team members, their performance would determine whether their favourite car would stay in their multi car garage or be converted into a crushed square of metal which would be placed in the middle of their driveways.
The rest of my ideas for the improvement of the game are concerned with behaviour on the pitch.
Any player seen ‘diving’ should have his salary stopped at once and not paid until he had performed a medium difficulty dive from the top board of an Olympic quality pool and achieved at least an entry level score for participation in the Olympic games as judged by an international panel.
Any player who goes onto the pitch touching the grass, crossing himself and kissing his hand should immediately be given a yellow card and sin binned (another innovation I intend to make) for thirty minutes. This will be punishment for hypocrisy and blasphemy and for making a public statement of their inadequacy by not relying on their professional ability without metaphysical aid.
Kissing of the club badge after scoring a goal should merit an instant yellow card and fifteen minutes in the sin bin. It is totally offensive that the player give the impression that he is with the club for anything other than the vast sums of money that he is being paid. Anything else, suggesting that they are there because of personal commitment is anathema.
I am sure that you agree that these few trifling changes will benefit the spectator, the game and even the money blinded players.
One likes to help if one can.
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