Two faced wind!

Our Lady of Ghisallo or the Madonna of Ghisallo is, as you probably know, the Patron Saint of Cycling.

I merely wondered what she was doing when I set off on my customary cycle to Gava. I know that being by the sea can cause all sorts of interesting climate anomalies but how is it that I had the wind in my face both going to Gava and coming back? Diametrically opposed directions yet the same unforgiving breeze acting as a brake.

Perhaps you are supposed to sacrifice to the Madonna of Ghisallo before you assemble the bike. If so, what? Light grade lubricating oil sprinkled on the sand? A heartfelt prayer for level ways and dead calm?

I am, it has to be said, an unenthusiastic cyclist. I like the idea of a folding bicycle (it is, after all, a gadget) rather than its reality. And the saddle is so uncomfortable. According to Hadyn this is a mere cavil and objections will diminish with application. “You will have to cycle on with gritted teeth,” to which the obvious reply is that I do not sit on my mouth!

And it was cold. The wind off the sea was capable of slicing through thin clothing, though the sight of complete lunatics indulging in para surfing (or whatever it’s called when wind surfing with a kite) made me feel more centred and more part of the human race – even perched on a bike with tiny wheels!

I have just finished reading Bill Bryson’s newish book ‘Shakespeare’ published by Harper Perennial ISBN 13 978 0 00 719790 3 as his contribution to the Eminent Lives series.

It’s a short book at only 200 pages and the read is enlivened at all times by the sense of humour which illuminates all of Bryson’s writing. He makes no great claims for the work being a work of scholarship but rather as an informed overview enhanced by his own perception and literary style.

The book reads like the novelization of a popular TV documentary with Bryson including the script of some of his interviews in the course of writing the book. If this book is worth reading (and it is) it is because one constantly hears the voice of a sceptical friend leading you effortlessly through the available information that we use to follow Shakespeare’s life.

Most of the time Bryson stresses just how little we actually know and how much has been assumed, guessed and fabricated to make the story we think we know. Bryson (of course) finds the right sort of comparison to illuminate our perception of the life by suggesting that Shakespeare is “a kind of literary equivalent of an electron – forever there and not there.”

My favourite part of this book comes towards the end when Bryson is talking about the intellectual background that Shakespeare had. “Shakespeare used some learned parlance in his work, but he also employed imagery that clearly and ringingly reflected a rural background. Jonathan Bate quotes a couplet from ‘Cymbeline’, ‘Golden lads and girls all must,/ As chimney sweepers, come to dust,’ which takes on an additional sense when one realizes that in Warwickshire in the sixteenth century a flowering dandelion was a golden lad while one about to disperse its seeds was a chimney sweeper.”

Nuggets like that are worth the price of the book – especially as I bought the book by using up the final book tokens that had been given to me by Ingrid a couple of years ago. I’m not quite sure how, but that makes it all so much more valued!

The second book which I squandered book tokens on was ‘An Utterly Impartial History of Britain’ subtitled ‘or 2000 years of Upper Class Idiots in Charge’ by John O’Farrell ISBN 978 0 552 77396 6 published by Black Swan.

This is a hefty tome of a book which is done no service by the rather weak jokes on the back and the rather juvenile cover on the front.

It is in fact a history book. Real history: you can tell because it has got an index. You can also tell it’s serious because it incorporates more than the ‘two real dates’ which Sellar and Yeatman included in their classic comic history ‘1066 And All That.’

For me the best way to describe this book is that it is written as if your history teacher actually cared about history and really wanted you to enjoy the subject. The comic tone is extended throughout (though he does get a bit po-faced and serious at the end) and I did not find it grating or irritating. Indeed I laughed out loud at various points throughout this fairly long journey.

The book reads like a novel and has the same pace and interest. He manages to give a sort of narrative coherence to the events in British history without the patronising inclusiveness of something like a Disney wildlife film.

It also has to be said that there is also the element of self congratulation which powers this book; like ‘1066 And All That’ it does assume a fairly large knowledge of history for real enjoyment as many of his comments would be lost without the shared knowledge of more historical background than is in the book. And how is that a bad thing?

I recommend this book without reservation; a thoroughly enjoyable, informative and above all funny read!

And now, by way of penance I have ‘Dreams from my father’ by Barack Obama to read. The front cover of this has a photo of him with arms folded, shirt open against a background of layered clouds of threatening grey frowning slightly as if his daughter had just come home and introduced one of the more unregenerate members of the dreadful Palin clan as her new boyfriend. The lighting effects on his face actually suggest that he is looking at a sun rise or sun set: perhaps he was trying to do a updated Canute act and become a modern day Joshua trying to stop the sun. And perhaps I should just read the book rather than trying to prevaricate.

Ho hum! Here we go!

Although anything described as ‘Thoughtful, moving and brilliantly written’ (The Times) by anyone unscrupulous enough to have got himself elected President of the United States must be twisted in an extraordinarily depressing way.

Enough already! Read!

Why wait?

So much for restraint!

I think that it is because I have not yet put up the Christmas tree that I have felt totally justified in opening anything that I have been given for the festive season. And I have.

The opening of Christmas presents is an activity whose every gesture has a meaning. And one for me which has changed over time.

I take every opportunity to praise and recommend the book, “Age of Austerity” by Philip French, Michael Sissons which takes as its subject matter the history of post war Britain from 1945 to 1954. The end year is not an arbitrary one as it was only in 1954 that meat rationing ended in Britain! Therefore my early years were lived in a period in which shortages were more normal than plenty. It is also obvious that 1954 did not mean that the country was suddenly flowing with milk and honey!

Presents in my youth were not as lavish in content or number as they are today, though I would not like to give an impression that I had a deprived childhood: I was trained early in Delayed Gratification which meant that if I asked for something I did not get it at once, but it often appeared at a later date when I could “appreciate it more!”

It was still possible for parents to give their offspring presents which were second hand in my early years and I felt nothing but amazed delight at the (bulky) tape recorder that I had one Christmas. It might have been (in that irritating weasel phrase) ‘pre owned’ but it was accepted with grateful alacrity and cherished for years afterwards.

Wrapping paper was always seen as an extravagance and, according to the information in one of the cottages in St Fagan’s Welsh Folk Museum, wrapping presents was only common after the 1920s otherwise presents were left unwrapped under the Christmas tree.

Wrapping paper I was told should always be unwrapped carefully so that it could be reused. I always attempted to do this as a child; but it is a form of mental cruelty to extend the principle of Delayed Gratification to the painstaking unwrapping of the present itself, forcing the child into an attitude of unnatural care when it all it wants to do is rip, rend and tear! And the sellotape always made un-ripped wrapping impossible for me!

Packaging was always something of a problem for me. If something was presented in a fitted box then removing and using the object which was the present was always a slightly irresponsible action for me.

There was also the “that will keep nicely” approach. This was yet another variation on the theme of Delayed Gratification which also utilized the “don’t use it all at once” method. This is best explained by example: Reeves coloured pencils.

One birthday I was given a blue cardboard flip top box of 24 coloured pencils made by Messrs Reeves. When you flipped the top there, in all their sharp pointedness in a dizzying array of colours were the pencils. I can still re-texture my delight (I always had a weakness bordering on penchant for stationery in all its forms) of that first sight.

It was quite permissible to take the pencils out of their box and read their exotic names printed in gold on the side of each pencil. What was not permissible or possible was to use them. To use them would be to blunt them. To sharpen one of them would diminish its size and therefore the regimented array of pristine points would be lost. What could I possible hope to draw or colour which could justify the destruction of newness and happy possibility?

The result was that they were kept for gloating rather than use and their particular penciloid function was lost in neurotic hoarding.

The same thing occurred with little notebooks or the section headed ‘Notes’ in a book. How could one write in these places when one didn’t know if something in the future would outrank what one was about to write in the present. Better by far to “keep it nicely.” The result was, of course, that I gradually accumulated various items whose use (when questioned about it by generous relatives) had to be elided into the nicely ambiguous phrase, “I liked it very much,” which implied use without stating it directly.

It has taken me half a century to open things at once and start using them. It has taken me even longer to dispose of boxes (even if they are plush and “something can be made of them”) so that there is no hiding place in its original home for any gift.

Which is why I am typing this while listening to Radio 4 on wireless headphones from a machine in the kitchen

while smelling faintly of Cerruti 1881‘Black’ for men.


Thank you Ceri and Dianne and Paul and Paul!

And Merry Christmas!

It passes the time!

Back in Catalonia I can hardly believe that only five days have gone by since I was last here!

The party on Friday evening in Rumney brought together some of my closest friends, some of whom I had not seen for some time. It is amazing how quickly one slips back into remembered relationships with the familiar quips and coded language; the re-establishment of personal frontiers and their dissolution; the easy juxtaposition of face and voice all combining to provide a truly comfortable environment.

That last paragraph should have ended with some sort of easy throwaway line like, “And the drink helped too!” But that was not the case on that particular night, because as sure as Saturday followed Friday, I had to be in Gloucestershire the next day for Aunt Bet’s 90th birthday lunch.

So it was with a disturbingly clear eyed vision (that I alone possessed in the household in which I was staying) with which I contemplated the journey into deepest darkest England.

Armed only with a borrowed Tom-Tom and fortified by the slurred felicitations from the hollowed eyed denizens I was leaving for the day I set out on the A48.

Time shifted unsettlingly quickly and I began to wonder if I would make the start of the festivities for the 12.30 start. The majority of the journey was via motorway cutting through misty countryside. As soon as I left the safety of the M5 (!) I found myself following a convoluted route though almost ludicrously picturesque calendar photograph material which was the “Season of Mists and Mellow Fruitfulness™” memory storage of many English ex-pats.

I, however, was Welsh and so such things passed me by because of my inbuilt cultural inability to appreciate The Other when trying to get to a strange location with time running out.

The Tom-Tom got me to the village in which the lunch was being held and a couple of friendly natives encouraged me to take the final leg to the Country Hotel itself.

The Grand Gathering of the Clans brought together disparate members of the family who had not seen each other for some time. The setting was gracious and the view would have been magnificent if the mist had dissipated itself but it didn’t and so we had to make to with conviviality and conversation! The ‘catching up’ was only interrupted by a speech by me and a gracious response by my aunt who appended to her thanks the gratuitous statement that “she deserved it!” How true.

Although the raison d’etre for the gathering was the birthday of my Aunt it also gave me an opportunity to collect my bling.

My mother’s engagement rings (don’t ask about the plurality of that piece of jewellery; the memory is too painful!) had been taken by my resourceful and talented cousin and fabricated into a fabulous pair of cuff links. On a small tablet of gold each differently sized diamond is set off-centre to create an elegant and stunning piece of jewellery. I can wear them with impunity of course, because no one is going to believe that they are real. But, as I explained to one of my friends, as long as I know that they are real – that is enough! And one can only pity those so beggared in their experience that they cannot tell precious stones from bits of glass!

The journey back to Cardiff after the birthday was notable for my inability fully to demist the windscreen; the complete lack of lighting on convoluted, narrow country roads – and the ‘considerate’ driving of the Barbour coated, green welly wearing wallys that roared up to within inches of the back of my car and then hurled themselves and their vehicles into total darkness and blind corners to overtake me. I speculate about the sartorial details of the drivers as it was pitch black, but I’m prepared to bet!

I have never been so glad to see a motorway!

I’m not sure where the world was going on a Saturday night but most of it seemed to be concentrated on the motorways which took me back to Cardiff.

I am reminded of the battle of wits that characterized the verbal conflicts between the painter Whistler and the writer Wilde. I always thought that their meetings were the living equivalent of two of the more arrogant masters of the epigram to be found in the pages of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray.’ It was the sad loss of a respectfully held illusion to find out that often Whistler and Wilde resorted to good, old fashioned abuse rather than the intellectual restraint of repartee.

Our small dinner party on that Saturday night liked to think of itself as scintillating with the clash of highly honed rapier comment but the Neanderthal club was also much in evidence. The meal, cooked by Paul Squared was exceptional with delicate soup and meat falling from the bone, but when I also tell you that four glasses were broken in the course of that evening (and not from impromptu coloratura opera arias) that the true state of festivities can be gauged! A very pleasant time was had by all!

Sunday saw (some of) us venture forth to Saint Fagan’s and the Welsh Folk Museum. Having moved away from Cardiff I realise more clearly now that Saint Fagan’s is a remarkable cultural resource. The range of reconstructed buildings and the setting in which they are shown to advantage is extraordinary.

Our specific visit was to see the completed church was had been transported stone by stone to Cardiff from West Wales. The church as been restored to its full early Roman Catholic glory complete with painted rood screen and medieval wall paintings. Although the building is open for visitors it is still in the course of completion and another group of painters is scheduled to come back to the church to continue painting the walls with the ‘visual books’ which were an essential part of the instruction of the people in times past.

As is always the case with Saint Fagans there is work in progress which means that a return visit is essential!

As a special treat on our return we had an Indian take-away which emphasised that I make do with second best in the small restaurant near the Liceu in Barcelona!

As a further even more special treat I was invited to experience the true uplifting wonder that is ‘Mama Mia!’

It was fairly obvious after the opening minutes (by which time I was horizontal with horror and biting the cushion) that my friends were more interested in enjoying my reactions than looking forward to the joy of watching the ‘film’ again.

Leaving aside the spectacularly awful singing and a script which makes ‘Titanic’ appear as though it were written by Wittgenstein; it’s the filmic direction which is most glaringly obvious by its omission. There are so many lost opportunities in this film which should have given some sort of evidence that the director had at least glanced at any great musicals from the past. But no we were presented with inept build up to song and disappointment. Awful!

Monday was visiting all the shops that I miss living in Spain. Matalan (which has a mythic reputation in Terrassa) provided a book, ‘The Funniest Thing You Never Said’ edited by Rosemarie Jarski. Ebury Press, ISBN 978 0 091 8966 6. This is the sort of volume that, having read a few pages you make a resolution that you are going to use some of the more amusing quotations in your next conversation in an apt and sophisticated way. And you don’t. It has all the dangerous addictive qualities of the Guinness Book of Records (which is in 3D this year!) as the quotations are grouped in sections and you can kid yourself that reading a section is like reading a chapter!

I am not sure about the accuracy. The famous Mel Brooks quotation about the difference between comedy and tragedy is destroyed by using the wrong personal pronoun. The correct version is, “Tragedy is when I have a hangnail. Comedy is when you accidentally walk into an open sewer and die.” Change the ‘you’ to an ‘I’ as this book quotes it and the essential element of black comedy is lost. But a book well worth buying all the same and chuckling your way through.

Mac Arthur and Glen as my Catalan friend calls the retail outlet just outside Bridgend produced not only a few excellent bargains but also the unexpected sight of a past pupil (and now real concert going human being) whose first words to me were, “You shouldn’t be here!” And I thought that we were all members of a united Europe!

Returning to Cardiff in my woefully underpowered black Matiz Chevrolet I called in to visit my aunt Micky and my cousin Louise and had a cup of tea with conversation augmented by a purely gratuitous piece of cream cake!

My next visit was to my Uncle Frank who had been tardy in replying to my telephone calls from Spain. There were lights on in the living room when I pulled into the pavement but a strange face greeted my ring of the doorbell.

The news that he had gone into a residential home was not surprising as he had been getting steadily frailer but at least I had a phone number to call for more information.

The information that I got was not what I wanted to hear: he had died on Saturday when I was telling my Aunt Bet in her birthday party that I was going to call on him and check up on him. If one can use the word serendipitous for such a sad event then I learned that his daughter and son in law were going to be in Cardiff the next day and that I could give them a hand in clearing out the room which Uncle Frank had occupied in the residential home.

I only had time for a quick shower before I headed out for dinner with Ceri and Dianne. Here too time has brought two more creatures into the realm of the fully human as their two children can no longer be usefully designated by such an ageist term!

We had a beautiful meal of chowder, lamb and lemon tart (though on separate plates) accompanied by a progressively freer reminiscence of past unintentionally hilarious trips and holidays with the ‘kids’ taking notes for future blackmailing opportunities!

As I was ferried to and from this dinner I was able to indulge my penchant for red wine. I eventually left with a feeling of well being and a large Christmas present gaudily wrapped with golden cord. What larks!

I returned to a dark house as my hosts had retired for the night.

The next morning I was able to meet up with Margaret and help with the somewhat depressing clearing of personal possessions from the room in the home. The room and the general appearance of the home itself were luxurious and it was far nearer in appearance and ‘feel’ to an hotel than to a typical home for the elderly. Margaret had phoned me when her father died, but had no reply from my number as I was in Cardiff at the time!

As the room emptied with our discovery that cars can take an extraordinary number of miscellaneous possessions when they are fitting together into a complex three dimensional jigsaw, Margaret and I had lunch at one restaurant that her father had loved.

As we entered the waitress asked how Frank was and was shocked by the news of his death. We had his favourite meal of garlic king prawns followed by lasagne.

I’m afraid that the waitress must have been at least disconcerted to listen to our raucous conversation as we remembered the positive and idiosyncratic life which had just ended.

When I had written my letter of condolence to Margaret I found the words flowing; there was no dearth of detail to cherish to illustrate a life which was vital and fascinating. I shall miss him.

A remembered chore meant that I had to call into PC World to try and return a non functioning digital camera. When I arrived at the store all was in darkness: the power had failed and so too had the emergency generator. There were groups of desperate people outside these dens of blackness with the hollow eyed look of junkies denied their electronic fix. As if on cue, Dave (a past colleague now working at the store) then appeared took my camera and my email off my hands and with airy expressions of compassion and professionalism said that he would sort it out.

Back in Rumney and preparations for yet another meal!

My last meal in GB was in a newish Kurdish restaurant with the added incentive that it was possible to ‘bring your own’ bottle and so avoid the criminal mark up that British restaurants add to the wine that they provide and find so essential to their financial survival.

As we were about to start our meal three ladies appeared of whom I knew two. I was hardly surprised as the whole of my holiday had been a succession of fortuitous moments and chance meetings.

The meal itself was tasty without being fully satisfied. The amount of stodge we accumulated in the form of flat bread, garlic bread and rice was truly astonishing! Lamb seemed to be the basis of virtually everything (including I suspect the ice cream) and it had a taste which suggested that it was spiced ruthlessly to accentuate that taste, though the spices never came up to the level of piquant. I’m glad I tried it, but I would not rush back.

And so to bed.

This morning I rose at the same time as Paul and clutching one of their cases (my accumulated ‘things’ meant that flying with hand luggage only was an impossibility) and two superb baguettes made by Paul Squared I braved the usual traffic jams by which that apology for a city Newport is so justly condemned.

Morning traffic meant that a boring drive was enlivened by the ever present fear of missing the plane.

As usual fears were unnecessary and from the moment of handing back the keys of the hire car everything went like clockwork.

Oddly I sat next to the same hogger of the ‘front seat for the leg room’ as when I came over to Bristol on Friday! His working week must be soul destroying!

Once back in Catalonia and back to the language. I was told an involved story by my taxi driver of his being attacked with a knife in the shoulder after he had taken a man on a long drive to a town near the French border. This man turned out to have been wanted by Interpol and he was the sort of scum who trafficked in abducting young girls and then forcing them to work as prostitutes. I was quite proud that I managed to keep up my end in what you have to admit was quite a challenging conversation in a foreign language! I think that somewhere along the line I lost the morality in the linguistics!

I have now done two washes and put away the bits and pieces of my little jaunt. Although the afternoon was warm and sunny the temperature became quite challenging when the sun went down.

I have given in and, for the first time this year, I have turned on the central heating.

Roll on the summer!

Home thoughts from abroad

While tidying up before leaving the flat for my epic voyage to Britain for Aunt Bet’s birthday, I found one tiny silver star on the bottom of the wastepaper basket in the office.

It shows the state that I have reached after the horror of packing my case that I immediately thought what a poignant symbol that was. Until I began to think about what precisely I thought it might be a symbol of! Getting bogged down in the specifics of analysis then showed up how specious my initial enthusiasm was.

It was one of those occasions that usually elicits the expression, “That’s interesting!” which then usually prompts the response, “What is?” to which of course the truthful answer is, “Well, nothing really.”

I take this to be the same sort of thing that one sometimes sees in animals, especially dogs, when they stiffen and stare meaningfully at nothing at all for a few moments and then carry on with their canine lives.

I’m thinking of these things now because I will soon be in an airport waiting lounge. And incidentally I hate the word lounge used in connection with any resting place in an airport. Every seat is designed on the same principle of the old Work Houses. Just as the Work House was designed to be marginally worse than the worst employment you could find outside the institution and entry was the last resort, so with seating in airports. It is designed to be marginally worse than anything else you can find to do in the god forsaken places. Wandering through shops; going to an over priced restaurant; finding a new arrivals and departures board to look at – anything is better than sitting on those chairs.

After all the chairs are specifically designed so that you cannot relax in them. Relaxation might mean sleep and sleep means missed announcements and delayed planes. It is good to see that Victorian Values are upheld in our modern airports!

The full horror of the spiritual stasis which entombment in airports demands has been lessened for me by the excellent procedure of ‘booking in on line.’ EasyJet allow you to do this and it means that you only have to be there some 40 minutes before departure. I am far too paranoid to test this to the precise limits but it does give one extra time to rest at home in seating which allows one to relax.

It is also a long time since I have driven on the correct side of the road. Foreigners, as you know, must have had a very different sword technique in the past – or possibly have been mainly left handed. It is a known fact that we drive on the left to allow the right hand to draw a sword and attack any importunate person advancing in the opposite direction with antagonistic propensities. Why did not Johnnie Foreigner understand this?

In some ways I take the form of driving that is second nature to a Spaniard (i.e. dizzyingly suicidal and homicidal) to be an attempt to break the unnatural restraint of driving on the ‘wrong’ side of the road and their appalling road sense is actually displacement activity as their inner ‘Briton’ tries to bring them to the ‘right’ (i.e. left) side of the road.

Why, you might ask, do Britons not also exhibit the same dreadful tendencies of the Spanish? Ah, it is, of course the famed sense of British fairness and tolerance which enables the British driver on the Continent to follow the norms of the country while realising with warm condescension that it will only be a matter of time before they learn the error of their ways!

So, almost time to go.

I only hope that the telephone conversation that I had with the taxi firm actually results in a taxi arriving at the time that I stated. There did seem to be an element of confusion about the time as I took the word ‘mediodia’ to be an exact translation of ‘mid day’ but she asked what time mid day. I gave a 24 hour clock answer which seemed to satisfy her.

At the moment I am calm. If half past twelve arrives and there is no taxi that calm will dissipate in a second.

But I live in hope – there is no other way!

Suit wearing is dangerous!

Last night was the very last time that I will ever wear a suit and tie late at night in Barcelona.

After a fairly stolid performance of ‘The Marriage of Figaro’ in the Liceu I felt that I deserved a little something to spice up my jaded cultural appetite. Barcelona offers a multitude of experiences which are not readily available in Castelldefels including one omission from our little town which is inexcusable – Indian food!

I was the only customer in the Indian Restaurant near the opera house so my meal was delivered with dispatch so that I was in and out in about twenty minutes and back on The Ramblas.

Operas in the Liceu start at 8.00 pm so with the normal length of the opera means that you are rarely out of the theatre before midnight. The Ramblas after midnight is more like something directed by Tim Burton – but without his underlying sense of the positive. You get all the dark, sleazy, drunken horror without the promise of redemption that Burton usually provides.

I had dressed up to fit in with the rest of the patrons in the theatre – especially in the seats which I now use. I have trained myself not to look at the price I paid which is printed on the front of every ticket! So I was wearing a suit with a white shirt and repressed tie. I rarely do the tie up fully and the wearing of the jacket was sufficient to counteract the temperature.

My great mistake was not walking on the central part of The Ramblas but on one of the narrow pavements which run down either side of the narrow roads which flank this key tourist venue of the city. My lesser mistake was slightly missing my footing on the irregular curb after crossing one of the small roads off The Ramblas.

That slight stumble was in front of a group of girls wearing tightly fitting clothing and looking at male passers by with calculating eyes. My theatrical miss step provoked a laugh from one of them and some sort of muttered comment but I pressed gamely on only to find myself outflanked by the same girls.

Think for a moment about what they saw: a man in a suit; tie undone; not wearing a coat; out after midnight and stumbling. An easy mark!

I must admit that years of watching BBC Wildlife programmes came back to me in a rush: especially the ones which showed sharks circling their prey or hyenas marking out the weakest animal who cannot keep up with the pack! Also what happened to their prey came back in vivid detail!

The girl who laughed stood in front of me while one of her (substantial) friends stood on my right and a couple of others on my left. I was trapped! And before anyone even thinks about making any sort of sexist comment I might add that they looked like the sort of people you would not want to meet in the dark. And it was after midnight!

The ‘conversation’ we had sounded like something from a hastily written pornographic novel. Not my conversation, you understand, it was more of a double hander hard core expression of physical possibilities from the two girls. I was merely thinking of my wallet and my e-book reader which was poking out of one pocket – and hoping that both would still be mine after this encounter.

My way forward was blocked by prying hands and substantial bodies trying to do things that did not fit in with my idea of a good night out. So I went sideways with alacrity and a thumping heart and gained the relative safety of the middle part of The Ramblas.

The lusty girls did not follow. They didn’t follow because the middle part of The Ramblas was obviously the beat of another group of girls, so (fully paranoid) I fled. Reaching the narrow pavement on the other side of The Ramblas I was then accosted by yet another girl who emerged from the shadows muttering honeyed words in English. There are distinct disadvantages to looking so obviously not a part of the indigenous population!

By the time I reached the car park in the lower part of The Ramblas (after studiously looking at the pavement rather than at any human passer by) I was glad to get into the relative safety of my car!

What had drawn me to this den of iniquity in the first place was the performance of ‘La Nozze di Figaro’ in the Gran Teatre del Liceu.

They actually managed to make ‘Figaro’ boring! The preliminary talk (in Catalan) suggested that this was a fairly faithful production – it would have been fairer to say that it was a fairly unimaginative production.

The singing in the first two acts was indifferent apart from the beautifully modulated voice of Cherubino (Sophie Koch) and the exuberant precision of Antonio (Valeriano). Figaro (Kyte Ketelsen) had great stage presence and was full of energy but he was not consistently dramatic through the whole of his musical range. The Countess (Emma Bell) came into her own with her solo in Act II and gradually became a compelling singer and her husband the Count (Ludovic Tézier) grew in his role as well. Susanna (Ofèlia Sala) was lively, dramatically intelligent and musically charming. The rest of the featured singers were adequate but forgettable.

The Orquestra Simfonica conducted by Antoni Ros-Marbà was excellent and the chorus did was it should.

The great crime in this production was the staging. The action of the piece was updated to the 1920s or later and virtually nothing was made of this artistic decision. The Count entering carrying a tennis racket can hardly be classed as interesting invention. The costumes fitted the staging but, so what? What was the point? Why not do it in ‘costume’ and simply have the singers adopt stage stances and have done with it?

By the end of the first half I was seriously cutting my losses and going home. At one point the Countess stood in her shimmering sheath of silk with one hand on the stage piano and sang as if she were in a recital! Why bother to go to the expense of a co-production with WNO with highly expensive mechanised sliding flats if all you are going to do is sing?

‘Figaro’ is hardly a bundle of laughs as an opera. This is a musical exploration of determined and serial infidelity; of callous scheming and a sparkling illustration of the sad and vicious frailties of the human condition. The opera begs for an inventive production to bring out the high almost tragic themes which underpin the action while ensuring that the humour is preserved intact. ‘Steptoe and Son’ is a perfect example of how ludicrous comedy can be a heartbeat away from tragedy. That is the sort of programme which could have been the inspiration for a production. Though I’m not sure about setting ‘Figaro’ in a junk yard!

The second half (I did go back and delayed my meal) was a little more inventive and the scene of Figaro in the garden with a flown ball which he addressed when berating women was an indication of what might have been. Although incongruous the ball was used by him as a pendulum and therefore a powerful image of the condition of marriage as he saw it and then later the ball was unhooked from its wire and used by Figaro to perform a series of juggling tricks which again fitted his mood perfectly.

The noisily moving screens used for the garden background were also interesting. I liked the idea of a sort of Rorschach ink blot design coupled with faces as the central idea for these screens and I liked their movement. But these ideas were pitifully scarce and little or nothing was made of the setting.

There may be an interesting production of ‘Figaro’ setting it in the 1920s but this one isn’t it.

All that and sexual harassment too!

Never a dull life!

And tomorrow GB!

Put it back!

A sinister order has now settled on my office.

The full effect of my strenuous construction and selfless folding have resulted in an eerie regimented organization suggesting a far more together person that the actual owner!

The new Billy stand straight and tall with his rough edges now covered in inexpertly cut self adhesive white strips which have been ironed in place. I feel rather proud of myself firstly for actually getting the stuff as I don’t know what it is called in English, so the achievement in conveying what I wanted in Spanish is all the more exhilarating. Secondly I am (justly) satisfied that I knew that an iron was involved in the sticking of the strips. I still loathed all aspects and therefore cannot claim that DIY has replaced book buying as my major hobby.

The books which had been gathering dust on top of the living room Billys are now expansively set out on the commodious shelving of the new office Billy and that structure has even managed to find book space for those volumes that were resting on the tops of books on the shelves elsewhere.

I can only pity those hapless creatures that do not find please of the most intense kind in the expansion of a book collection into new areas allowing a further rearrangement of the library. It is a form of bibliophile colonization where I, like a latter day King Leopold, impose arbitrary separations, conjunctions and continuations based on my personal whims. Dr Johnson’s description (slightly altered) of John Donne’s metaphors could apply to some of the volumes I have placed next to each other on my shelves 'the most heterogeneous books are yoked by violence together' – but it makes sense to me and gives me pleasure! The argument of colonial masters through the ages!

The new found order has even found its way into what was, almost literally, a writhing snake pit of chaos. I refer of course to the ‘wages of sin’ that comes with a love of gadgets: the leads and their power sources!

Every attempt to bring order to this Hydra monster of intertwining coils of multi headed incompatibility results in further chaos. If you keep the leads in the boxes it takes up far too much room. If you keep the leads in a drawer they ‘knot and gender’ like Othello’s toads. If you leave them in different places you invariably forget which lead fits which appliance. Every expedient evinces endless energy. And if you have spare sets of earphones anywhere near power leads then they act like convolvulus and tie everything together more neatly than sellotape.

The answer, as to so much else, lies in IKEA.

There is a subsidiary structure linked to the Billy called a Benko (or is that a Chinese meal?) or something. This is a tall, thin piece of furniture which, when constructed, has twelve squarish sections ostensibly for storing CDs. It is perfect for the power leads, plugs and adaptors. You can even fit in the item like a camera, ipod or Nintendo Lite. Just because I have listed only three items I do not want you think that nine sections are now empty. No, all sections are filled and my mind strays to planting the flag of order on further necessary purchases from the Swedish Saviour.

But they have to be built, so a little respite would not come amiss.

“Human kind,” as T S Eliot almost said, “cannot bear very much tidiness.”

How true!

Eat my clothes!

‘Pijama’ might suggest to you a misspelling of a commodious garment of night attire, but I ate one.

After the rigors of shelf building I felt that I deserved a little treat and so I ventured out into the largely deserted surroundings searching for an open restaurant for a spot of lunch.

I am still coming to terms with the way in which the restaurants (which almost literally surround us) operate. I assume that they are profit making enterprises into which considerable sums of money have been sunk by their various owners. Why, therefore are their ways of operating so, well, various?

Some have odd days when they are open and odd times based on those odd days which suggest that they are operating under the influence of a system whose intricate nature makes the calculation of the date of Easter seem straightforward. And if you think that calculation is simple then you have never looked very closely at the end of your Book of Common Prayer at all the information you should be studying when the vicar is giving his sermon!

One restaurant in particular in our immediate area has been recently purchased; completely refurbished; new signage put up; classy glassware and cutlery bought and a well stocked bar opened. But they hardly ever get any customers. It must be soul destroying to set out the tables every day with immaculate white napery and gleaming crystal and then watch all the diners go elsewhere.

The secret is in the pricing. Well, hardly a secret: the other restaurants flaunt their low priced menu del dias while this restaurant sticks with its enticing, but highly priced a la carte offerings. Throughout the summer, the high season for this sea side town, the restaurant kept its purity and lost its customers.

In spite of the fact that a dozen restaurants within a couple of minutes walking distance were offering lower prices and getting bums on seats, the glacial financial indifference of this establishment continued.

I began to suspect that since we were so far away from any normal idea of financial rectitude there must have been another and much more sinister reason for such a cash drain: money laundering.

I don’t really understand the details of the concept but I assume that it must be a variant on the profits from failure scheme as outlined so brilliantly (and catastrophically) in the Mel Brooks film, ‘The Producers.’

I shudder to think what tasteless (!) menu could possibly rival the sure fire failure that should have been ‘Springtime for Hitler’ on the musical stage. I have a few ideas for dishes, but even I realise that some things go beyond the bounds of civilized tolerance, so they will remain sniggering darkly in my imagination!

So the restaurant must have lost money throughout the summer – and lost lots of it. If that was the idea it worked pretty well.

Now, at the tail end of the year when the only tourists that come are hardy and well wrapped up against the savage inclemency of temperatures which plummet to as low as 16C the restaurant has suddenly galvanized itself and decided that it needs patrons.

They have instituted a menu del dia and I decided to try it.

The meal was a revelation.

A pea soup, delicately flavoured with a suggestion of mint with crisp, melt in you mouth croutons and finished with olive oil and fresh mint leaves for the first course. The second comprised two succulent cod fillets topped with slivers of baked garlic and a timbale of vegetables with garlic flavoured oil.

I actually applauded the third course!

This is where the sleeping garments come in. ‘Pijama’ is a sweet which has been described in Spanish as, “flan con un churretón de nata, medio melocotón en almíbar y a veces también tiene pera o una bola de helado” I would describe it as a construction.

It came in a sundae glass and what struck me first was a large golden, gleaming treble clef which was crowning a summit of whipped cream. The clef was made from melted brown sugar and what lurked beneath the snowy covering of cream was a mixture of nuts, fruit, ice cream, flan, syrup and more calories than is reasonable or legal to offer a mere human.

A robust Rioja and a solid Hades dark café solo completed the meal. I have no intention of giving the price I paid because I am not that cruel. To be fair it was a couple of quid more expensive than the meal I normally have, but this was haute cuisine at its most sublime!

So we are presented with another problem. This money rejecting failure of a restaurant is now providing unsuspecting patrons with what can only be described as a ‘loss leader’ in giving diners startling value for a casual lunch. It was one of the finest meals that I have had since I came to Spain. I don’t understand.

End of season; few patrons; immense competition – what are they doing?

I am not so naïf as to believe that Castelldefels does not have the normal level of corruption that always accompanies the exchange of large sums of money – and millions of pounds are extracted from tourists’ wallets and purses every year – but what sort of financial thinking is underpinning the financial strategy of that restaurant?

And then I look at my newspaper or listen to the radio and all is made clear. The great and the good of the financial world have no idea whatsoever what they are doing, have done or will do. They throw money (not theirs obviously) around like drunken emperors and they haven’t even the common decency to consult the auguries.

Given the chaotic times in which we now live, it seems just as valid to me to cut open a chicken and have a bit of a prod around in the innards of the poor beast and then make a pronouncement than listen to the conflicting views of economists or politicians or (god rot them) bankers and pretend that you have a well thought out systematic, caring approach to recession.

I have listened to the various comments from Those Who Govern Us and I have considered the suggestions of Mr Darling. The economy needs to be boosted and the government is trying to fuel the recovery.

I have a suggestion to make. I have never (except for that time that I had to prove that I could save money for a few weeks to get one of my Cubs badges) I have never, I repeat, ever been a laggard when it comes to spending money. I have made it into a sort of art form.

So, my suggestion is that Mr Darling gives me the billions of pounds that he is going to spread thinly around the economy. I will then (as I have always done) spend it with alacrity. I will, thereby, save us all from the threat of financial ruin. In the process, by way of a small recompense for my good offices, I will gain a few small items for my own use.

Like having a Van Eyck in my living room!

You know it makes sense.

Or at least it makes the same sort of sense as the stuff that I have been listening to recently!

Just follow the instructions!

I have known Billy for some time; we go back a long way. We have known laughter and satisfaction; a few bad moments laced with exasperation; achievement and soul destroying, crushing failure.

Billy has been a part of the household almost from the time that I first lived in Spain. Without Billy my life would be less.

Though I would have more money.

Our relationship is, and has been from the start, based on money.

Billy, as those of you who think cheap Swedish meatballs are adequate compensation for hours of crowded shuffling on a Sunday afternoon will already have guessed, is one of the more recognizable names that the great and the good IKEA has given to a range of shelving.

Although most of my library is still in durance vile in Bluspace confined to Pickfords cardboard boxes, those volumes that have escaped the confines of the storage facility and have a free and easy existence in the flat rest their tails (that’s the right word for the bottom of a book, so there) on the shelves of Billy.

The rather elegant versions of this basic design that I bought for the living room are made of wood veneerish type material (I like to be honest!) with glass doors. They take a pitiful number of my books and I daily miss the Lost Volumes of Bluspace.

The latest purchase of Billy was for the ‘office’ (that purported to be the third bedroom on the advertisement for the flat.) There was no need for the more expensive pretend wood so I was able to get the basic white. Room in the office is somewhat cramped so extra shelf space was essential.

I have constructed or helped construct more that half a dozen examples of Billy so I was quietly confident that the purchase and making of this essentially simple pieces of furniture would be but the casual work of a morning.

There is nothing funny about making IKEA furniture so if you are expecting me to be lightly witty about the nail-scraping-on-blackboard type anguish which accompanied and then destroyed my innocent enthusiasm you can think again.

I find opening the brown cardboard packaging that Billy comes in an almost insuperable challenge! I am sure that there is some corner of the bloody thing which when pulled gently by an expert makes the box open like a beautiful flower – well I am still looking for the Swedish version of ‘Open Sesame!’ I have to resort to ripping, rending and tearing and usually using my skin between my thumb and index finger as a sort of fleshy saw. With the accompaniment of broken nails, torn skin and surprisingly vile language the box eventually opens and the contents are displayed to my jaundiced eyes.

IKEA used to be masters of the ‘bit that you don’t need but it looks just like all the other bits’ approach to flat packed furniture. I am glad to say that they now use expanded polystyrene which it is usually safe to assume is packing material and not an essential component in the finished piece of furniture.

Hard experience has taught me (and to be fair the little blobby man in the instructions agrees) that the outer packing must be used as a safety layer on which to set out the parts of your future bookcase. If you don’t do this then your assembled piece of furniture will look as though it has been attacked by a whole company of cats who have used it to sharpen their nails.

Finding the instructions and the little bag of bits is encouraging. The instructions are usually clear and generally unambiguous. Unambiguous that is to those who lack imagination. To those gifted with that glorious quality there are layers of meaning that can be read into a simple drawing which make consequent construction impossible.

And the bits!

With Nordic naivety and a touching faith in their computer system, IKEA give you exactly what you need. Exactly what you need if you are a trained IKEA constructor; not exactly what you need if you are a real human being who does not put the bits in a dish. Or who sits down too suddenly or throws the hammer down without due thought and all the bits explode into the air like a metallic firework and some (even though you have cleared the space beforehand) are never found again.

I will lightly pass over the loss of a wooden plug thingie; the putting of the wrong (almost identical) piece in place; the smashing of a nail under the shelf it was supposed to pin; the missing out of one piece of the structure altogether and spending twenty minutes trying to deconstruct the thing; the ending up with two faces of chipwood facing outwards because I had assumed that out was in – all of these I will pass over in silence. But one thing was not my fault.

On one end of the upright for the bookcase they had not cut the groove for the plywood back to slide in. I sat down and wept. Not literally you understand, but in some inner recess of my soul my tear ducts were flowing.

The thing that I was trying to make (it was the last of four shelf structures I had constructed so I was a little tense) was a little quarter size Billy. It cost €20. Did I really want to traipse back to Hospitalet, park, queue, explain and then come back again? The answer was no. I was disgruntled, but no!

And in a strange way all my ineptitude seems to have vanished because IKEA made a mistake. Poof! to their computerized systems: they made a mistake. They are professionals in furniture construction; I am a mere neophyte in such things. My mistakes are merely the learning curve of a new skill; their mistakes are a crushing condemnation of a multinational organization.

And I’ll buy some white stuff to go over the rough edges!

Top brass and a bevvie!

At long last, after years of waiting, a moment of sweet delight. Thank you Emma!

I don’t know what expectations that opening sentence inspired, but I doubt that you would guess that the ‘moment of sweet delight’ was when I finally got to see again ‘The Bitter Tea of General Yen.’

I waited until I had the flat entirely to myself; made myself a cup of tea, accompanied it with some sort of foreign (and delicious) marzipan confection and settled myself down for an extended period of indulgence.

‘The Bitter Tea of General Yen’ is a 1933 Frank Capra movie with a glamorous (!) Barbara Stanwyck playing the future wife of a missionary (!!) arriving in a chaotic China and being saved/abducted by a sophisticated and elegant Chinese warlord played by Nils Asther.

For 1933 this was an adventurous and courageous film. Emma (who very kindly copied the film for me as I have been going on about trying to see it for so long) commented that the film was ‘bizarre’ and that ‘the ending offers no easy answers.’

The basic storyline is fairly simple but what is truly interesting is the portrayal of miscegenation as the sexual relationship develops between the two main characters. What intrigued me about the film when I first saw it was a dream sequence which is shockingly and erotically revealing.

From her fantasy of an oriental bedroom Barbara Stanwyck has watched the local Chinese soldiers engage in amours. She has noted their rustic lovemaking with indulgent condescension then she falls asleep in a peacock wicker chair which forms a stern pattern of interlocking lines around her head.

As she sleeps she dreams and in her dream she imagines the warlord brutally breaking into her bedroom. In her dream imagination the warlord is a grotesque caricature of the punctiliously polite and immaculately dressed general and instead is portrayed vampire-like with long fingernails and sharp teeth.

As his hands grope towards her breasts she is suddenly saved by a masked hero. She melts into his arms and with a look of adoration and desire takes off the mask - to reveal the hero is actually the warlord!

She is both excited and repelled by her growing involvement with this character but she eventually finds that her defences against him are mere words and General Yen is able to force her to see that her beliefs as they are tested are not what she previously thought and that she and the General are more alike than they are different.

The final sequence of Stanwyck and Asther is powerful, poignant and ravishingly photographed. The final sequence of the film which features a silent Stanwyck and a drunken monologue from the worldly wise and cynical financial advisor to the General poses questions and possibilities that focus the audience’s attention on the final shot of the film – the strikingly beautiful three quarter profile (shot in soft focus) of Stanwyck herself.

God knows there are faults in the film, but this is not the Comfortable Capra of later years: this film is edgy and unsettling and a thoroughly good piece of work.

If you find it, or see it advertised on the TV watch it!

Only fitfully fine weather today; it is as if Catalonia is preparing me for the rigours of next Friday and a journey into the icy wastes of the UK.

Given my rate of preparation, I should begin to pack today with the hope that I might be ready before take off!

Some hope!

If it's not one thing . . .

Last night we went for dinner into what was described by one of or party as “a sort of transport caff.” I have to say that his experience of transport cafes and mine must have been radically different.

For a start this place only opened at something like half past nine at night and when we eventually got there (after a few glasses of excellent Rioja in a nearby bar) the sight that greeted us as soon as we went in was the chef (do they have chefs in transport caffs?) triumphantly frying the latest batch of wild mushrooms.

You have to understand that mushrooms are taken very seriously in Catalonia. There are television programmes showing various sorts of people going out and about in remote country areas and emitting short yelps of delight from time to time when they find a particularly tasty specimen which had been hidden from normal view by grass and general undergrowth but these dedicated mushroom hunters seem to have x-ray eyes. They should be employed at airports, I am sure that they would be far more reliable than those damned beeping machines and a good deal less offensive!

We decided to share a plate of the extortionately expensive mushrooms which were, in spite of the price, utterly delicious. We then went our separate ways for the next course.

I chose savoury rice with cod (an everyday staple of all transport cafes that I have frequented!) and washed it down with a fine bottle of Rioja. It was also, unfortunately, the last bottle of that delicious beverage and it was alas, too soon drunk. The replacement bottle we were offered was local to the town in which we were sitting and had quite a pretty label but was, by general consent, disgusting.

The replacement of the replacement was acceptable and the meal seemed to be heading for a tasty conclusion in the form of a surtido of sweets when one of our party declared that he was not feeling well and fairly promptly collapsed. An ambulance was called and soon a chirpy little guy appeared dressed in an official duffle coat with fluorescent trimmings and the discussion continued about what was best to do.

Eventually, just when we were at the point of ordering a taxi (remember the wine) to get him to hospital two ambulance medical workers came and took control. They were briskly efficient and soon he was off to hospital.

If I sound a little glib it is because I saw the same collapsee this morning and not only did he look hale and hearty, but he also had not a trace of a hangover!

The same could not be said for the rest of us who looked a little the worse for wear.

The ostensible reason for going to St Pere was to get the card for Aunt Bet whose birthday will be celebrated in due style a week tomorrow in the wilds of Gloucestershire. Margaret has produced yet another ‘creation’ of flowers and butterflies and it will a unique contribution to the festivities.

The rest of today has been spent in a post alcoholic haze out of which I had to jerk when the family arrived for lunch.

The Crisis is obviously hitting Castelldefels harder and harder as most of the restaurants are now extending their menus del dia into the weekend. The waiter at the restaurant we used for lunch also told us with pride and desperation that the menu del dia has been extended to Sunday as well.

I know this sounds like a small thing, but in terms of our little sea side town it is monumental! Last year nothing like this occurred, so the restaurateurs must be responding to fairly dire economic trends.

I still have not had the courage to find out exactly how little money I now possess as it is all in pounds sterling (how ironic that word sounds now!) and invested in some sort of bond. Spend! Spend! Spend! never seemed like sensible advice, but I would have done better to have done just that than force myself into uncharacteristic acts of judicious financial restraint. I should have gone with my instinct and had the time of my life.

But, enough of this lowly raving. I must remember that I am a card carrying member of the Middle Classes and as such I am a devout practioner of Delayed Gratification.

I only hope that the delay is not over long!

Mother, give me the sun.

We have now had a series of stunning sunsets and in full sunlight it is quite warm enough to sit outside and enjoy the experience.

I should point out that while I was sitting in my short sleeved shirt enjoying the apocalyptic reporting of the end of western civilization (again!) in the ever comforting pages of The Guardian one of our neighbours was sitting below me wearing an autumn coat closely buttoned and an ostentatious scarf.

Spanish people believe their calendar and will not be tempted by mere temperature to deny the training of generations and discard any of the essential clothing protection which is demanded by tradition for the month of November!

With the reality of British weather conditions looming for me a week today, I am enjoying the delights of ‘un-seasonal’ weather for as long as I can!

With thoughts of Britain uppermost in my mind at the moment as I try and cut down on the amount of electronic equipment I have deemed essential for my trip – I have noticed what can only be a sign of the times here in Castelldefels.

Until fairly recently we had two Mexican restaurants within a few minutes walking time. One of these has now closed and is in the process of being replaced by a new restaurant which proclaims itself to be the King of fried fish. Many of the restaurants around us serve fresh fish because it is caught daily just off the beach and is brought to the eating places on a daily basis too. Many of the restaurants serve fried fish, but not one of them has advertised itself as a specialist on this particular form of cooking.

I suspect that the British are growing in their representation in this area. I have mentioned previously the ease with which Tetley tea bags can be obtained in our local Carrefour. I have noticed a few other products in Carrefour which have a discrete little Union Flag next to the price which indicates that they are trying to cater for a British buying population.

We are not that obvious I have to say. It is very rare to hear an English voice – though you often hear foreigners conversing in English as the lingua franca for foreign travel, but we must be a growing group.

Can it be that this new manifestation of a fried fish restaurant is the Spanish attempt to provide us with a Fish and Chip Shop? I sincerely hope not. I have become accustomed to the delights of reasonably priced foreign specialities and I do not look forward to seeing local restaurateurs attempting to cater to a sort of debased concept of ‘British’ eating which I hope I have left far behind.

The only aspect of British food which I really miss is, paradoxically, the ‘Indian Meal.’ And even there I can satisfy this longing by the small and reasonably priced restaurant I have found at the side of the Opera House in Barcelona.

I will keep my eye on developments in that restaurant and will, whatever it finally emerges to be, try it out. I see this as a necessary effort for the benefit of those people who come to stay with us. It is only fair to have some idea of what can be offered to all tastes that come out to visit.

Meanwhile to St Pere (just outside Sitges) to stay with an ex colleague and to have a meal which is ethnic, interesting and reasonably priced.

It’s a hard old life, but someone has to lead it!

Think before you ride!

It is always a good thing to have money about you when you go out to have lunch in a restaurant.

I suppose the use of the bike to travel a little further afield and remembering to take the locking cable used up all the available memory for the trip and did not ensure that I took my wallet.

The meal was excellent: a substantial salad followed by a zarzuela of fish which comprised a selection of white fish with some shell fish cooked in an earthenware bowl in a home made sauce. The red wine was palatable and the ice cream at the end of the meal was more than acceptable. The only trouble was that, as I finished my coffee, I suspected that my lack of ability to pay for the meal might be a little unacceptable.

The more I checked my pockets to find my wallet the more it wasn’t there. As I had gone a little further away from the flat than usual I was not eating at my local cafes so the restaurant that I was using was not one in which I was known.

My hesitant, shamefaced admissions of penury were brushed aside with an airy wave and my assurances that I lived relatively near and I could get the money in a few minutes were accepted with complete equanimity!

I therefore disappeared, leaving the bill looking rather forlorn and solitary without card or cash and peddled home. My wallet being found I peddled back and, completely unmarked; I regained my seat and poured myself the remnant of my wine as a well deserved reward!

It is nice to be trusted!

Our Spanish lesson this morning was centred on a number of Spanish words which take a different article from the one that you expect. Spanish (like most other European languages) gives a gender to those inanimate things like ‘bed’ and ‘light’ and ‘beach’ which adds a quite unnecessary level of complication to the language. Although we had been given rules to try and discover whether a word was male or female we were now introduced to the exceptions. Some words which should be female are male in the singular but female in the plural! There are always things to catch you out!

The individual words were merely the springboards to further discussion which ranged from the tactile nature of Mediterranean people, via the ways in which different nationalities place their knives and forks at the end of the meal to the use of ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ by people of backgrounds. And all in Spanish!

As usual my contributions were in halting Spanish. However, when compared to what can only be described as blatant French spoken by one of the two representatives of that nation in our class, my command of the language appears idiomatically fluent. Which it isn’t.

The lessons last from 9.00 am to 11.00 am and at the end of that period of two hours I feel drained and can hardly believe that there is a major chunk of the day still to go!

Part of it today has been taken up with my reading some of Maugham’s short stories. The short collection I have on my e-book reader is set in the South Seas and includes the famous story ‘Rain’ whose power I had forgotten. The conflict between a haughty bigoted missionary and the prostitute is written with taut economy and the ending is truly shocking. As a short story writer Maugham is one of my favourites and I have missed my collections of his complete stories which are lying in cardboard boxes in storage waiting for shelf space.

Free the literary five thousand!

Books resurrected!

‘Stalky and Co’ by Rudyard Kipling is a series of short stories set in a Devon public school. One of the school boy characters is given the run of the headteacher’s library and he exults because he finds himself able to read such authors as Ruskin and Byron.

Following the chronology of Kipling’s own youth, this largess would refer to a time in the early 1880s. Given the copyright laws I feel the same sort of ‘freedom’ when I visit the libraries of free e-books that exist on the internet. All the books that Beetle might have read are now available in electronic form; even the contemporary literary works at that time are now to be found somewhere on line free, gratis and for nothing!

Modern books by contemporary authors have to be paid for (not unreasonably) but classic literature in English is almost inexhaustible and offers some odd ‘treasures.’ One of which I read this morning after an uneasy night and very early rising.

‘The Explorer’ (1908) is a novel by Somerset Maugham which I discovered while trying to find some of his short stories to add to my e-book reader. It was not a novel of which I had heard previously, but I enjoy Maugham’s style and find it hard to resist, so added it to my electronic collection with alacrity.

It is an extraordinary novel which concerns the life of a family of ancient name ruined by the feckless behaviour of a father who mortgages his estate and eventually ends up in prison for fraud. His two children are forced to exist on the charity of relatives until the final crisis blows apart their lives.

The story is not remarkable for the clichéd nature of the basic narrative but the cast of characters seems to have been culled from various other writers. The witty, urbane and epigrammatic Dick Lomas seems to have wandered out of some comedy of manners by Oscar Wilde and Mrs Crowley’s musing question about him, “I wonder why you never married,” seems almost laughable after all the camp playfulness that Lomas has exhibited!

Alexander MacKenzie, Dick Lomas’s dearest friend, is his opposite. Alex is “tanned by exposure to tropical suns” and has a manner “which suggested that he was used to command.” He is, of course, “spare and well-made” with “limbs well-knit” and when he looked at you he “looked straight at you with a deliberate steadiness.” He is able to make, what to modern ears are incredible statements about Africa, colonialism and the right of Britain to spread its power – he seems more at home in a novel by Rider Haggard!

The language is a delight and one can hardly restrain a giggle when the superficially attractive yet ‘rotten to the core’ worthless George says, “It’s awfully ripping of you to take pity on me” when our stalwart hero offers to take him to Africa to join with him in trying to stem the ‘beastly’ Arab slavers from their human traffic and gain more territory for the British crown.

This may be a pot-boiler of a novel, but I thoroughly enjoyed it, right up to the ‘happy’ ending when our indestructible hero is about to set off the Congo (!) but the little lady will wait for him to return.

Awwww! They don’t write them like this any more!

Trials!

One of the more interesting series of Penguin (God Bless Them!) paperbacks was the Great Trials series.

One of the most popular was the trial of Oscar and I think that an original edition of the ‘cheap’ paperback version will now set you back a tidy amount. Not only is it scarce, but it is a damn good read.

Never let it be said that I did not do my best to provide literature with the raw material for an epic. It may not sound like it but keep your eye on DP 1609/2008 - it has real possibilities!

My visit to Vilanova to the Jitjats to continue my persecution of The School That Sacked Me was altogether satisfactory and frustrating at the same time.

The place was full of what I could only describe as the dregs of humanity, clinking with body jewellery, garish with tattoos and all looking as though they had just had a fortifying drink of something strong – if you will allow the unnecessary repetition. The professionals (lawyers rather than layabouts, but there again . . .) reminded me of nothing more than the definitively dismissive paintings, drawings and etchings of Daumier and looked like the living embodiment of Chaucer’s dismissal of the Man of Lawe as “looking busier than he was!”

The entrance to the Jitjats was crowded and everyone had to pass through a metal detector. As usual the amount of ‘equipment’ I had reduced the security lady to loquaciousness. I was carrying the bare minimum for the modern man: a mobile phone; a Canon powershot camera; a Sony e-book; a wallet; keys; a watch; more keys; money; a pen and a few pills. It’s a good thing that I didn’t have my bag with me!

The omniscient security guard from yesterday saw me and pointed out that I had been there yesterday with the air of one who has solved Fermat’s last problem in three lines. After puffing out his cheeks to make himself more important he pointed me in the direction of the information desk which just hapened to be directly behind him and labelled with the word information.

The information girl's lack of English and my hysterical use of Spanish soon directed me to the third floor via the lifts.

The lifts were blocked by a drooling halfwit and a man who was obviously a lawyer because he failed to make eye contact with anyone and kept moving his gleaming leather briefcase so that it caught the light.

The third floor proved to be a counter in a small office with doors stage left and stage right. Up stage was an open office with an exclusive cast of young ladies who were gradually disappearing behind growing mountains of files.

I was noticed almost immediately by a lady on the other side of the counter who asked me what I wanted and when she saw the small slip of paper attached to my documents by the information person downstairs she motioned me to the other end of the counter, or to put it another way, approximately one foot to the right of her elbow. An invisible line of responsibility must have crossed the otherwise unmarked surface of the counter because the lady then felt free to resume her seat and continue building the paper defences.

I then became invisible. I think it was something to do with ‘glass ceilings’ or ‘Chinese walls’ or whatever else industry thinks of to give another euphemism to the word ‘dishonest’. I was, however, no neophyte in dealing with Catalan bureaucracy which was why I had brought my e-book with me. I therefore started reading; standing up and leaning on the counter.

If there is one thing that office workers hate it is an outsider out-ceiling or out-walling them. In no time at all, with a pretty impressive attempt at surprise one of the ladies who had been ignoring me suddenly noticed that I might have needed some attention.

She spoke no English so I continued ploughing my bloody way leaving mangled syntax and eviscerated grammar behind me. And she understood!

In a couple of minutes she had found the file relating to my accusation! She brought it to the desk and asked me what I wanted. I asked what progress had been made and thus, I inadvertently returned to her comfort zone.

Nothing. Of course, naturally, 'nothing' had been done. Would I like to know when something might happene? My address was taken. A wry smile greeted my tentative request for an approximation for the sort of time scale we might be looking at. Christmas was mentioned, but not very convincingly, so that area of time which stretches to infinity called, “after Christmas” was what I had to be satisfied with.

But I have the case number (DP 1609/2008 in case the snappy label had slipped your mind) and a case number (or indeed any number) means that it exists.

A good day’s work, I should say.

I was able to spend some time in Sitges to justify the expense of travelling through the tunnels and arrived just before lunch. I had decided to use my MNAC card to get free admission to one of the museums there so I could look at some Rusiñol paintings that I remember having seen on a school trip.

First, I thought, a cup of coffee.

The only place that looked as though it was opening in the bay near the museums was a sushi bar and, as the waiter didn’t look in the least oriental I thought that he would probably not mind serving a coffee without the meal attached. He did agree, though he tried to get me to have a meal too – without success. My motto, “No Menu Del Dia No Meal” which almost looks Latinate in that form was a sure and certain way to preserve rapidly depleting funds!

While I was sipping my coffee and reading my e-book at the tables set outside the restaurant and near the sea, a strange couple arrived and sat at the next table. He was Indian; she was Chinese; they did not communicate. The Indian spoke Spanish but his companion was monoglot Chinese.

Their ordering of drinks was better than a West End comedy. The man ordered coffee but she waved a finger at all their suggestions in a variety of languages and applied herself to her dictionaries, both paper and electronic. They appeared to be of no help whatsoever so the waiter began mouthing coffee and then shivering and then flapping the collar of his shirt to indicate cold and hot. This raised a tight little smile from the lady and the waving of an admonitory finger at the waiter.

Eventually a Chinese man was found in the depths of the restaurant and a very animated conversation was started which eventually had the Indian raising both hands and denying something. The imagination raced to find a suitably salacious explanation.

Then both left the table so that when the waiter returned with coffee and hot milk (ah!) he looked around in astonishment to discover his customers. At least I was able to help out and point to their near proximity, even if they weren’t actually in their seats.

By the time the Strange Couple had regained their seats the waiter was engaged in an argument with a fellow worker on the “when I’m ready to go somewhere you aren’t” sort and I felt it was probably a good time to go.

There are probably not that many museums in the world that will allow you unsupervised access to iconic masterpieces by the acknowledged leader

of the Escuela Luminista (Luminous School) of Sitges and a couple of El Grecos thrown in as well; but I was.

I’m sure (am I?) that I was being watched on CCTV but it was pleasant to look at fascinating art works alone and unhindered as if one was at home.

It made the following lunch in a very much cheaper Chinese restaurant (menu del dia) a positive pleasure.

A day of contrasts!

Pick any three

What are the three Great Lies?

The answer to this question will depend to a great extent on your background and how PC you are.

When I was told the answers to this question one response was racist; one statement was nastily sexual and the last was “The cheque is in the post.”

A year’s experience of living in Spain might cause me to alter some of the traditional Great Lies. From my exchanges with the ‘right’ police who eventually took my statement about the lack of clarity (that is a euphemism which I resent having to write) about what happened to the money raised by the school Readathon, I might say that, “We will keep you informed about what happens” would have to take pride of place as a Great Lie.

Telephoning gets you nowhere; you have to turn up in person to get answers. So I did and got them – for what they were worth. The child officer I spoke to was the same one who took my deposition and he said that he had phoned the school and talked to ‘some woman’ and that now the matter was out of their hands. They had done everything they had to and any further information I needed would be found in Vilanova, the next large town down from Stiges.

I was given the address and a mumbled Spanglish description of what the building was I would be looking for.

I eventually managed to get my GPS to accept a form of the address and I was off. As usual with GPS it gets you to the vicinity and then just tells you that you “are arriving at destination on the right” and you quite obviously are not. From hard experience I have found that it usually takes a few passes to find the exact location. This is the ‘pin ball machine’ approach; you end up pinging your way between two roundabouts suspecting that your destination is somewhere in between.

On the third pass I assumed that one block of un-flat-like flats might be an official building. Amazingly, after another pass or two I managed to get near the place and found a parking space.

From the side the building was much more impressive and had three flag staffs with the Catalan, Spanish and EU flags flapping - or they would have been if there had been any wind.

This edifice was modern with the requisite acres of plate glass, a sort of sweeping concrete bridge to the entrance and no people.

There were no explanatory notices or signs so it was something of a mixed relief that I then saw giant letters spelling out JUTJATS. As I doubted that there would be a major municipal building devoted to an esoteric form of the martial arts, I assumed that there were enough letters in that melange for me to work out that it was probably related to justice in some way. In fact it turned out that I was in the courts of justice in the area.

Walking under the ‘bridge’ I did see a life form sitting behind a desk in a uniform and in front of him a caricature of a Mrs Mop who barred my way to the functionary with a toothless grin and a sweeping brush. Having skirted the harridan I then attempted to state my business to what looked like a security guard.

He was a security guard and he looked bemused when I showed him the copy of my accusation and a damn sight more confused when I started explaining why I was there. The real trouble is that Spanish lessons do not prepare you for normal everyday judicial interaction. I use the words that I have, but they do not always all more than an approximation of what I want and need to say. But, in spite of everything, I get there – eventually.

The security guard read through the entire deposition and looked as though he were a silk about to give his professional opinion. He was looking for the essential thing which makes all bureaucracy in Spain go round: a number. As all I had was the deposition which I had given in Sitges I had nothing to indicate that the paper had been transformed numerically into something now at home in Vilanova.

I think that I have agreed to go back tomorrow (in person, “Don’t phone!” I was told) and find out what (if anything) has/is/will happened/happening/happen. As the accusation was only (!) made in October the security guard (who is obviously someone of power and influence) thinks I am being absurdly eager in my expectations – but, never say that I didn’t follow through my hatreds, I will go tomorrow after my Spanish lesson.

Justice may not get done, but by god I will enjoy watching it not happen!