You cannot be serious!

Omens and portents are for the weak minded and credulous.

However . . .

Before the crack of dawn, in Stygian darkness I struggled out of bed and groped my way towards the car so that I would be early for a meeting in my new school. And the Tom-Tom refused to work.

My previous visit to the school had been in daylight and I looked more at the Little Lighted Screen of Guidance than at the passing landmarks for the next visit. The end of the journey on the first occasion had been more than usually tortuous with the progress of the car describing more of a spiral than a comforting straight line.

It was therefore with a sense of foreboding that I set out on my way to the school with only my deeply flawed sense of direction to guide me. Thoughts dark as the threatening sky accompanied my journey into deepest, highest Barcelona.

And I arrived at the school at about the same time as the caretaker opened the main gate for all the kids and teachers who hadn’t arrived yet.

I marched in unopposed and used a back entrance to get to my intended destination. I got to the reception office before the first secretary had arrived and was sitting behind the locked door of the foyer as she entered directly using her key. And she offered me a cup of coffee and stewarded me away from contact with parents into the inner sanctum of what I was to discover was one of many staff rooms.

The staff room has many flavoured tea making capabilities as well as offering instant and capsule coffee. Morning break also saw a selection of baguettes appear for staff. Lunch was in a spacious dining area and was more than acceptable: it has to be because they don’t allow you off the premises during the day!

Supply staff are always, even in the best prepared and organized of schools, thrown in at the deep end, but the Head of English accompanied me to all my classes and eventually weighed me down with a ludicrously large weight of text, work and teachers’ books.

I have now met all my classes and the impression is of a lively but generally attentive group of pupils who should be a pleasure to teach.

As I have not been in front of a collection of pupils for some time the poor buggers had the full force of my “this class is my class” teaching approach which leaves both class and teacher a little breathless. God alone knows what they have told their parents!

I wore my Munch ‘Scream’ tie which is a traditional first day of term (even if it is only for a week) tie for me and it has usually excited a variety of comments ranging from uppity kids who tell me that the image is from a famous painting (Gosh!) to those who ask bemusedly what it is supposed to represent. In this school: nothing. Nothing from kids. Nothing from staff. I do hope it was because they were too intimidated to venture an opinion.

I also think that it might have had something to do with the shirt. In laying out a shirt last night I failed to realise that it was a double cuff without buttons. By the time I had got the thing on I was in no mood to hunt around for another shirt so I added my cousin’s cufflinks to my final attire. So with a Norwegian expressionist hanging from my neck and two large diamonds glittering at my wrists I must have been at least arresting!

The school site is built into the side of a mountain and it comprises a number of vertiginously stacked buildings which are connected by a series of rustic steps, concrete steps, wooden steps, a bridge and a playground. Did I mention steps? Well, there are a lot of them and I seemed to spend all my time traipsing up and down them.

The authentication and authorization of my documents has taken a further step towards some sort of reality by my phoning Swansea University and asking them to provide some sort of Academic Transcript of my degree. This, I understand, is normal practice nowadays, but my degree is not from nowadays.

When I spoke to a lady in the Registry in Swansea and mentioned that my degree was in the seventies she groaned and thanked me for presenting her with such an interesting problem first thing on a Monday morning.

I did not do a nice little modular degree with neat little sets of code numbers and a percentage for each element in the course. I cannot wait to see what the University comes up with! I did mention that they could make it all up as far as I was concerned as long as what they eventually produced had the University crest at the top of it and an official signature at the bottom!

At the end of one lesson one boy came up to me and asked me where I was from. When I told him I was from Wales he said, “I thought so, I could hear your accent when you said the word ‘here.’”

It turned out that this budding Professor Higgins had been on a study holiday in Brecon (Christ College, of course) and had acquired his sensitivity to things Welsh there.

Bodes well!

Not that I believe in omens of course.

Tomorrow and tomorrow

My getting up at a reasonable hour had little bearing on my complete indolence for the rest of the day!

Except, can it be called indolence if one is reading. I spurn to put a question mark at the end of that sentence as it is clear rhetorical. It has to be rhetorical or I will have wasted a substantial proportion of my life in self indulgent wandering in the pernicious pathways of prose. And that simply mustn’t be true!

I have finished reading another novel by E F Benson called Across the Stream. This was published in 1917 and concerns the life story of yet another member of the ‘nobility’ a groups whose members litter Benson’s early work. This life divides neatly into two parts. The first part concerns the childhood of Master Archie and is interesting because of the fascinating perspective that Benson captures seeing the world expanding from the point of view of a young child’s growing experience.

The second part is not as effective and develops the spiritualistic elements in the first half and builds them up into a good versus evil battle in which the erstwhile hero is saved the by love of a good woman. Ugh! Having delivered the exclamation there are still interesting social, historical and moral attitudes which make this book worth a read. I have to say that I have just found a site which promises to make all the Mapp and Lucia books available for free download so that my reading of early Benson oddities may well be rejected in a self indulgent re-reading of the true camp ironic masterpieces of a very funny writer.

Though possibly not next week when I hope that my mind and intellectual efforts will be more directed towards making the five days that I have in school productive for what, after all, could be a place of permanent employment in the near future.

I have realised that it has been a considerable time since I have stood in front of a class of secondary pupils and actually tried to teach them anything. I suppose that it is a positive feature that the kids that I will meet tomorrow are English learners and not native English speakers this will mean that my usual digressive form of discursive teaching will miss the mark for the majority of the pupils and I will have to be uncharacteristically focussed to ensure that they follow what they need to learn.

It will be learning experience for both sides.

If it goes properly!

It's all a question of food

The prospect of a Galician themed lunch saw me tootling up to Terrassa this afternoon.

The pulpo was the tastiest and the tenderest that I have ever tasted and that was only one element in the meal. Vast dishes of prawns, clams and mussels washed down with a delicious Galician white wine leading to an authentic Tarta Santiago from the actual location and good old dependable Cava. It is always a delight when the end result of a cultural holiday by a friend culminates in a meal! I have suggested that she now visits other areas of Spain noted for the culinary excellence!

I have now produced a sheet giving all the information that any reasonable school can possibly need to ensure that my hard earned money gets into my rapidly emptying bank account. As this information is in the form of cabbalistic strings of numbers most Spanish bureaucratic folk subside into delighted quiescence when they see them. After a period of contemplation they might actually do something and get the money transferred. I live in hope – even if a single week’s wages in Catalonia is a little less spectacular than it would be if I were doing the same thing in Britain.

The re-entry to a centre of academe allows me to power up my tiny laptop which was bought to make the transportation of a machine to wok a little less greedy of space in my school case. The Asus laptop is little bigger than a reasonable sized textbook and although its memory is limited it should be a useful augmented notebook to use in school.

My spatulate fingers make speed typing something of a harrowing experience on the keys and the lack of a decent shift key on the right hand side is a constant irritation. Indeed this is so much of an irritation that, were I to get a permanent job, I think that I would consider getting a better computer with a more conventional keyboard layout.

This is of course an almost completely specious cavil, but it will give me the opportunity to buy another gadget with all the opportunities for delightful wandering through acres of electronic goodies in a pseudo consumer survey sort of way before I eventually spend my hard earned euros on the best value offer I can find.

At present such expenditure is out of the question and, in the immortal words of my mother during a previous time of straitened circumstances, “No more mushrooms!” My poor mother was haunted for the rest of her life by this spontaneous suggestion for financial austerity because my father and I used the phrase on various occasions to her disadvantage. What made it worth repeating was that my mother would inevitably try and voice some sort of explanation for her poignant phrase which would result in peals of laughter from my father and me.

To be fair there was something that my father said that would reduce my mother and me to instant hysteria every time and his infuriated exasperation at what he called our ‘idiocy’ all the more sweet.

Every family has its ‘touch papers’ when a word, phase, picture or personality produces a reaction inexplicable to outsiders: those clearly unfunny jokes that only work if you are united by common DNA!

I am at present looking through my files and extracting any which seem to have some general utility for a person coming into a school not knowing anything of what he might be teaching.

I remember David in Llanishen having a whole briefcase full of ‘instant class quieters’: printed sheets which could be distributed and bring a semblance of order to a class which had no work to be going on with. The fact that my classes will not be composed of native English speakers is a limiting factor for much of the material that I still have lurking on recently unfrequented areas on my computer. Still, a few extracts, a few poems, a few pictures and a piece of chalk and who could ask for more!

I am sure that Monday evening will see me with much more sense of direction.

Or despair!

Time moves slowly, so slowly!

I am very disgruntled.

I go to a school for an interview for a job which isn’t there on a Tuesday and I have to wait until Friday – the best part of three days – before the school has had enough gumption to force some unsuspecting teacher to catch the flu to give me the opportunity for a week’s supply.

Monday will see me getting up at the crack of dawn to get to Barcelona for some unearthly hour so that I can speak with the Head of Department to get some sort of idea what I might be teaching.

Goodness knows I understand what the HOD is going through with a teacher down: any sentient being with a vertebra and a working knowledge of something in this part of the spiral arm of the Milky Way will do. On second thoughts the vertebra is not an essential: I have seen a number of spineless wonders do very well indeed in the teaching profession!

This school at least has a radically different basis to its operations from The School That Sacked Me: it is Grant Aided; it has a board of governors; it is a trust; it has parents on the governing board of the school; it has a rigorous checking of credentials. Compare this with the attitude of The Owner in The School That Sacked Me. When she was sent a letter by a group of parents asking to found a Parent Teacher Association she immediately informed each of the parent signatories that they were to withdraw their children from the school at once! Unbelievable, but true!

Although this teaching experience is only for a week it will give me an opportunity to see what conditions are like in the place and find out what is beneath the orderly and seemingly coherent surface. There is always a chance, of course, that I will find out that it is orderly and coherent. Frightening thought!

This will be secondary teaching and there is a strictly English speaking rule inside and outside the classroom. The pupils should be trilingual as the funding from the Generalitat ensures that there is teaching through the medium of Catalan as well as Spanish. It will, if nothing else (and I certainly hope for more) be an interesting experience. And I suspect a tiring one, especially with rush hour travel in a major European capital. Oh joy!

I have had to get an employment form from the local (well, Gava) labour exchange or whatever they are calling these places now. I have also had to rearrange a routine blood test. I only mention these two chores because I had to get them done in Spanish and I was smirking with satisfaction when I managed to get my message across with only minimal linguistic damage to the hapless administrators I spoke to.

By way of celebration I went onwards from Gava to St Boi to visit a supermarket there and get some uninteresting shopping done and then to go to an much more interesting four star hotel next to it and sample their menu del dia. This has been a project which has been waiting to be completed for some time.

The hotel is oddly situated in the middle of a motorway strip retail park development. It is unashamedly modular and has all the elegance of architectural form which comes from some sort of automatic computer program which takes certain ‘hoteloid’ elements and simply stacks them together on a given site. Nothing looks permanent and all the fittings and furnishings, the doors, the stairs and windows all look as though they were selected by a mouse click and then simply slotted into place.

The restaurant was on the first floor which was up two flights of stairs to allow for the inevitable mezzanine to give the foyer that opulent open look. When I got to the restaurant it was empty. Beautifully set out, but totally empty. When I eventually found a bar person and asked for a table I created chaos.

Although it was past one o’clock no menus had appeared. After a flustered explanation to me and a giggly telephone call to someone or other I was then totally ignored by the six (count them, six) members of staff who lurked close to me as I swung my legs (an infrequent pleasure when you are six foot) from a tubular steel bar stool.

Eventually a seventh person in a suit appeared and threw a sheaf of printed menus at one of the bar staff (not one of whom had asked me if I wanted a drink) who shrugged his shoulders and with a wry grin handed me one of the sheets.

I ordered my meal at the bar and was then asked for my sweet choice. I gave it, but was surprised to find out how uncomfortable it was to break the habit of ordering after the second course. Perhaps I felt the ghost of my mother standing near looking mildly ashamed as such a grave solecism was forced on her son!

The meal was excellent and only mildly pretentious but it was made for me by the fact that the hotel had made the best of its fairly hideous surroundings and tried to create a Mediterranean terrace at first floor level by having an open air area outside the restaurant with a view of the hills of the Garaff National Park and with only a few of the air conditioning ducts and signage visible from the hideous shed-like retail areas by which it was surrounded.

And it had fountains!

Three rectangular raised areas were tiled and each had a fountain with a multi jet sequence to keep an aquaphiliac like me happily amused and until a dish of food was placed in front of me.

I was eventually joined by three people speaking French who, as soon as they had put their coats on their chairs immediately scattered using their mobile phones. Two of them prowled around muttering into their devices while the third stood immobile except for her nimble fingers texting as though her very life depended upon it.

I know little enough French, but I could tell that it was the native language of only one out of the three and what the other two spoke would have had the French Academy frothing at the mouth!

I now must prepare the documentation which is necessary for my teaching on Monday. It may only be for a week but the mills of bureaucracy must have their quota of wood pulp. I will include a photocopy of my passport: virtually every official (governmental and commercial) with whom I have come into contact has demanded a copy. My photograph is decidedly faded after having been subjected to so many passes of the photocopier light!

So much to do!

Language conflicts

A moment of true excitement in the Spanish class!

Not a general outcry of spontaneous delight at the rules governing the pronunciation of the letters ‘c’, ‘z’ and ‘q’ in their relation to selected vowels, no. Rather it was the altercation between two of the Russian students (adult ladies) who took ferociously different attitudes towards the general state of their country. In a strange way it was quite touching listening to the stuttering incomprehensibility of one who searched for Spanish words as if she was grasping for tree trunks while going over a particularly dangerous waterfall, while the other lady hissed her imprecations in rather more fluent and deadly Spanish. Such larks!

The confrontation was perhaps an inevitable consequence of indulging in a sharing of phrases which used negative connotations of different nationalities to gain expressive point. I contributed ‘French leave’ as a contribution from English to the general hilarity of the two French ladies sitting behind me.

I then tried to capitalise on my little colloquial triumph and promptly got into almost terminal linguistic problems when I tried to extend this xenophobia to the area of venereal diseases. My attempted explanation of the Shakespearean use of ‘French pox’ much used to denigrate our near neighbours was not what I could call a success. Things went fairly swiftly downhill during my clearly incoherent exposition in hysterical Spanish and I was only saved by the rather more fluent contribution of the Italian lady!

Altogether an exhausting and emotional experience.

And when I got back to the flat another little yellow form waiting in the post box informing me that the post person had made no attempt to deliver another package.

But, as this non attempt to deliver had been made yesterday (when no note was left) I would be able to go and get my package today because a day had been left since they had not tried to deliver it. If you follow the logic you can now see that this approach is actually quite considerate because it cuts out the frustration of actually waiting a day. By the time you find out that they didn’t deliver a day has already passed and you can collect the item from the post office!

This package contained the CD’s of The Complete Operas of Puccini an amazing offer from Sony with great casts even if the recordings are not of the most recent. So as I went to visit Margaret of the Broken Arm I wept gently as I drove as Puccini’s insidious music pushed all the emotional buttons. The first one I chose to listen to was ‘Turandot’ as this opera is part of my season in the Liceu this year. The other operas in the set include ‘Edgar’ and ‘La Rondine’ and ‘Le Villi’ as far as I know my playing of them will be the first time I have ever heard them. Indeed heard of them, might be nearer the truth!

The recording of ‘La Boheme’ has Caballé, Domingo, Milnes, Blegen, Sardinero and Raimondi with the LPO under Solti. Listening to that is going to be self indulgence of a high order!

Coffee and lunch with Margaret and Ian was stimulating and enjoyable with the addition of a past member of a London ballet company on the table next to us!

My return to the flat revealed that the post person had been back and left my copy of the BBC Music Magazine with the information that the concert of the month was to be found in Cardiff at the Opening Festival of the Hoddinott Hall next to the Wales Millennium Centre with the BBC National Orchestra of Wales & Chorus on the 22nd and 23rd of January. The Hoddinott Hall will now become the base for BBC NOW and presumably St David’s Hall will now become even more marginal in its financing as the regular support of BBC NOW is redirected to The Bay. Though looking aqt picutres of the Hall it doesnt seem to have the same seating numbers as St Davids Hall. More investigation is called for. I wonder if parking has been improved!

Whatever.

My best wishes go to an orchestra which I have supported since I was in school and have seen progress from an orchestra that struggled to play Beethoven with confidence in a series of less than perfect venues in Cardiff to a world class group of players with a world class concern hall who provided me with a performance of The Turangalila Symphony which I will never forget!

Meanwhile ‘Turandot’ washes over me and I must give in!

Grave thoughts

Having dispatched a few incomprehensible emails in response to those I sent out yesterday, I settled down to my day’s work.

I have managed to prise from the dead hand of the Spanish post office a book I have been eagerly awaiting, ‘The Book of Dead Philosophers’ by Simon Critchley ISBN 978 1 84708 010 3. It has been published by Granta and that gave me a pang of guilt when I remember that my subscription to that excellent magazine of new writing has been allowed to lapse with my removal to another country.

This book was recommended by The Week and it seemed to appeal to my ragbag approach to knowledge: notes on the deaths of 190 philosophers. This books as been designed to be read either straight through or by dipping. Exactly the sort of thing I like.

I read it straight through and although it is necessarily episodic you begin to see that Critchley is not writing this with the intention of producing philosophical lollipops but rather with substantiating his central thesis that paradoxically reading about death leads to affirmation of life. Philosophy can illuminate this by posing some “irresistible intellectual temptations from which we might finally learn how to live.” For Critchley philosophy is “to learn the habit of having death continually present in one’s mouth. In this way, we can begin to confront the terror of annihilation that enslaves us and leads us into either escape or evasion.” It is not an easy problem with which to wrestle but, “To philosophize is to learn to love that difficulty.”

This book is easy to read, but not necessarily easy to understand fully. There is an open invitation in the style of writing to be accompanied on an exploration of a frankly bewildering array of philosophers, some of who merit no more than a name and dates in bold print and a few lines. Others have more substantial space, but this is no balanced introduction to a few thousand years of philosophical thought it is a book with a thesis which is illuminated by anecdote, comment and even poems by Rowan Williams snatched from Wales to be Archbishop of Canterbury! The stories and lives are mundane, astonishing, bizarre and frankly unbelievable – but always fascinating.

Critchley wears his considerable erudition lightly enough for it not to repel but consciously enough for a reader to feel that he is in a safe pair of hands.

He is not afraid to let his own prejudices and experiences colour his prose. Who cannot warm to a man who, when talking of Elizabeth of Bohemia says, “whose uncle was Charles I of England, rudely but rightly beheaded in 1649.” Or when confronted by an apparent about face by the atheist Sartre in 1974 when Sartre refers to “this idea of a creating hand refers to God” Critchley adds “as a student of mine one said to me during a class I was teaching on Hegel, people say all sorts of things when they are drunk!”

There are names famous and names obscure for the neophyte philosopher in this book and it assumes a background of some historical and literary knowledge to set the characters in place. There are subtle and not so subtle references embedded in the text which, as in a good episode of The Simpson, you will either use to enhance your enjoyment or simply be unaware of as part of the narrative.

This is a satisfying book which will repay rereading. Perhaps it needs to be promoted to join the Sacred Texts of The Bathroom where philosophic contemplation is a sine qua non!

Lofty ambitions!

I’ve been to visit money today.

The non job interview was in a private school high on the hill overlooking Barcelona in a ghetto of private school institutions nestling among other moneyed establishments perched on some of the one-in-one slopes of this rich mount.

I found a parking space which threw me a little. My previous experience in the rarefied car packed narrow streets of this area was akin to a motorised nightmare with my eventually parking space for a school being in a not so adjacent underground car park of a hospital.

My entrance to the school was questioned by the teacher on duty at the gate but she accepted that I was arriving for an interview on my say so and allowed me to wander off into the school buildings unsupervised.

I eventually found a very helpful teacher who tried to find the person I had come to see and when that didn’t work she directed me towards an older part of the school which housed the administration.

The school is a mixture of ferro-concrete and plate glass at one end and elegant town house at the other. I stepped across artificial grass surfaces on which the children were playing to ascend the short flight of steps to the old glass doors which gave access to the secretaries and their reception area.

I was early, having left an hour to travel the twenty kilometres to my destination and settled down in the reception area on a Sheraton style chair to wait for my interviewer and to study my surroundings.

The reception area was small but solidly comfortable. A small but nevertheless impressive flight of steps curved upwards to the first floor; the walls had above average artworks by past pupils including a heavily worked scene in mosaic. Most impressive was the dark wood pair of heavily panelled doors in a dark wood alcove which housed the Director and the Library. They looked like something from one of the more pretentious banks when the Manager was able to lurk in opulence hidden from common view by a carved door of imposing magnificence. This was of course in the days when bankers were regarded with some degree of awe and not seen as the criminally irresponsible charlatans that we know of today.

It must cow the pupils if they are sent to the Director and have to wait outside such exclusive pieces of woodwork.

When I eventually got inside I was ushered to a low sofa in an elegantly furnished room and I half expected to be offered tea in exquisite porcelain cups with miniscule handles. But I wasn’t.

The interview was reasonably informal and hardly searching. They were courteous and informative, but the job that might be there would not appear until next year. As I am not working in The School That Sacked Me they offered the expectation that there could be some supply work which could be used as a way of getting to know each other.

I will have to get my qualifications ‘recognized’ by the Spanish government. This means dreaded paperwork and, as one of the interviewers explained, “The government is not helpful.”

I have downloaded the simple looking form which is necessary for the process to be completed but as the interviewer explained that was just part of their diabolic cunning. What they actually want and what they say they want are two different things and, when you don’t give them what they haven’t asked for they remain quiet waiting for you to provide what you don’t know that they haven’t told you they need to see.

To someone newly arrived in Spain the previous paragraph would seem to be a paraphrase of a trickier part of ‘Catch-22’, but we natives who have been here for over a year know as ‘real life.’

The authorities apparently want a full description of the courses that I have taken at University and in my training year. They want full Spanish translations of documents that I send. My degree certificate is written in Latin and my threshold certificate in English and Welsh. The original of my post-grad teaching certificate looks like an amateur attempt at a photocopied fake and my DES teacher number is on an ancient yellowing postcard. I can foresee months of frustration as the powers that be look askance at my ‘documents.’

This is where my every trusty e-book reader comes into its anaesthetising own! Delay merely sees me sitting serenely reading. Out of the 350 books that I have in my slim gadget companion there is something there to ameliorate the pernicious effects of pernicious Spanish bureaucracy in all its manifestations!

I have fired off another batch of e-mails to possible sources of employment and I now sit back and wait for responses. In one of my e-mails I quoted part of Malcolm’s speech at the end of Macbeth’ that should give them something to think about!

And when no responses come, I will turn to plan B.

Plan B will be unveiled in all its glory when I have finished my latest ‘medicinal’ extract from the gadget.

Perhaps.

Or there is much, much more to read!

It's a conspiracy!

Never in the annals of human duplicity have I seen such a blatant example of disregard for a fellow human being.

It Catalonia it is regarded as perfectly acceptable to denigrate the postal service (Correos) because it is Spanish not Catalan. The same goes for the Spanish Rail Network and the Spanish Government.

If you have been reading these daily screeds you will know that I am no great fan of the postal services as I have spent substantial periods of my life sitting on a low window still waiting for my number to be pinged onto the electronic board to indicate that I will at last be seen to.

Most, no, all of the time that I have spent in post offices in this country has been getting packages which have been undelivered.

No matter that I had been sitting at home waiting patiently like Hope on a monument, knitting or embroidering, tatting or working away at my petit point (bit of atmospheric artistic licence there) waiting for the post person to exert enough intelligence to direct a bleary glance at the appropriate bell and gather together enough energy to push it to let me know that he was below with my package: no sound, no package.

Alas, I must have been so engrossed in my domestic occupations that the raucous sound of the buzzer failed to make any impression on my eager expectation – or there might just be another explanation.

Until today, when a vast amount of mail was delivered, I assume that the post people have been amassing all the correspondence since Christmas because they have been signally loath to give any to the denizens of our block of flats.

Significantly among the welter of letters and information from my banks (Ah! That plural sounds more like desperation these days than any sign of material prosperity) was a little yellow sheet. This was the official indication from the post person that they had tried to deliver a parcel on the 8th of January. This indication (written by the post person on the spot and at the time of the delivery and posted into the box before leaving) was not there on the 8th, 9th, 10th or 11th of January. I checked. It arrived, as did all the rest of the post today, the 12th.

It is rather like the person who put his money into a coffee machine and watched helplessly as amid whirrings and clunks the apparatus went through its normal activities, but did not provide a plastic cup. So, as the twin spouts of coffee and milk gushed onto the metal drain where the cup should have been he remarked, “Look, the bloody machine is even drinking the stuff now as well as making it!”

I assume that the post office in a rare burst of honesty is now not even pretending that the post person goes through the farce of trying to find out if anyone is in to deliver a parcel. They merely send out the ‘we called but where were you’ notifications in the post, so cutting out the delay that writing out a lie would force on the consciences of hard working motor scooter driving post people.

The post office when I got there was heaving with people most of whom, surprisingly, were clutching little yellow forms which indicated that they too, all of them, had missed the post person when he didn’t attempt to hand over the parcel that the post office had no intention of attempting to deliver. Talk about coincidences!

I however, came ready armed and as my number was twenty away from the number being served and as only one person was actually dealing with collections and as there was, inevitably, one ‘difficult’ person who held up the whole process, I settled down with my e-book reader and tried to compose myself in patience and literature.

The wait was worth it because now I have my Photoshop Elements 7 and a 400 page book, ‘Photoshop Elements 7 for Dummies’ to go with it.

With the barely concealed impatience of a non delivering post person I leaped into the ruthless manipulation of my digital photos and managed to eliminate a pot plant from the centre of the table in one photo and replace it by table alone from another.

The fact that I had taken two photos specially to achieve this and that one of them was of the table with a flower and the other was without the flower made the objective of the exercise a little redundant, but I felt that I was getting nearer to my stated objective of creating a photograph of an impressive wave from the stunted variety of moving water features that we get rolling onto the beach in Castelldefels.

The next step is ‘layers’ which I think means plonking various photographs on top of each other and electronically scratching away until you get the bits that you want from the various shots to create a composite. At least I hope that it what it all means because I got a bad case of ‘Instruction Manual Aversion’ when I opened up the ‘friendly’ and ‘chatty’ book which is supposed to take me painlessly though the technical processes to ensure that the full artistry of my inner photographer can be released. I was merely left breathless and terrified at the complexity of the program I had just loaded.

On the other hand there is the painting!

One brick on top of another

Another little literary brick falls into place.

One of the few triumphs I achieved as a pupil in Gladstone Primary and Infants School, Cathays, Cardiff was in building.

I do not pretend, unlike so many who seem to have photographic recall about their early days, to remember which class I was in at the time, but I do remember that at some stage or other we were allowed constructive play. In my case I remember putting a great deal of effort into making a house.

It was a fiddly affair. You started with a green plastic base which was pierced with rows of holes. Into these holes you placed a series of very thin metal poles and, if they were the right space apart you could begin to slot in specially grooved bricks which made the walls and there were windows and doors all of which could be fitted into the structure. Eventually the whole thing could be finished off by an all in one roof.

In retrospect virtually everything in the kit to make the house was unsuitable for very young pupils, but in the Wild West days of education in the 1950s we kids were allowed to do things and use things which would probably be regarded as child abuse today!

In the way of children, houses were often started but never finished. You would run out of bricks, patience or a coherent sense of what a house was. But I came as near to finishing a house as anyone had done and I was promptly sent to the headteacher with my plastic dwelling to receive my due amount of praise. I can remember the praise and also the fact that the headteacher used the occasion to test my knowledge of my times tables and spelling!

I suspected in retrospect that the auxiliary tests were attempts by the headteacher to discover more of my ability than an imperfectly built model plastic house seemed to indicate. Proud though I was of my house I could not help notice that the walls were not perfect. I knew in my own home that all the walls tended to meet at ninety degrees with no gaps. This was not the case with my model: there were distinct gaps both horizontal and vertical. Gaps waiting to be filled in at a later date.

Those gaps never were. By the time I was older there was Lego as a building material in its pungent rubber manifestation before it lost its character and became rigid plastic with no character. The metal poles and plastic bricks I never met again. I don’t know what the system was called and I’m not sure that it is sold now. The gap house became a powerful memory and a useful metaphor.

The little house became for me an example of something which looked good, got me credit, but could have been better with a few more bricks.

I did not go into building so the metaphor has had to be pushed more into those areas which I found congenial: literature and art history.

When I was very much younger I thought that because I generally could tell the difference between a Monet and a Manet meant that I knew pretty much everything that a reasonable chap could be expected to know about Modern Art.

I often try and retexture the pleasure that wilful delusion gave me for the short period before I discovered just how little I really knew about even the most important painters in the more obvious art movements just in Western Europe. I can still remember the panic that Mary Cassat threw me into when I first saw reproductions of her work and discovered that she was American, and important, and that led me to the Prendergasts, who were also American, and important, and how did they fit into what I knew about modern art. The whole structure of my knowledge of art was turning into some sort of monster and threatening my very being!

It took a while before I was able to look on the growing areas of undiscovered ignorance as opportunities to enjoy new (for me) artists and realise that modern art in a modern world was going to be global and that I could only scratch at the surface of what was and is going on. Enough raw materials for more than a life time!

So, the concept of another brick in the wall (that phrase seems familiar somehow) is one which pleases me. Each time I discover something new I can hear in my brain the sharp little click as another tiny plastic brick slides into place guided by the slim metal poles of the structure.

The ‘brick’ which prompted this Proustian memory was reading a novel called ‘Nocturne’ (1917) by Frank Swinnerton. Swinnerton for most literature students is merely a footnote – a long lived writer and critic, probably more famous for his books on other writers, especially The Georgian Literary Scene (1935) and his autobiography than for his own creative writing. But now I have read his most famous novel ‘Nocturne’ and so the man who knew everybody literary who was worth knowing for his ninety odd years becomes a little bit more real.

I realize now, of course, that those gaps which seemed so difficult to fill in completely on the model are just as difficult when it comes to knowledge. Except here the gaps are vast voids and each little brick makes no perceptible difference in the filling of it up.

But that, surely, is the delight of it all!

Blow storm!

Reading pulp fiction has consequences.

Last night I was completing my reading of the latest part I have found of the Mars sequence of novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs (the author of the Tarzan books). These books concern the adventures of John Carter, the Virginian Gentleman, who manages to get himself transported in some ethereal way to the Red Planet from a skeleton filled cave in Arizona.

As I indulged myself in the fourth or fifth of these novels in my trusty e-book reader the heavens around me opened up and to accompany the swashbuckling, bloody adventures of the hero on Mars I had a thrilling sound track of the most extraordinary lashing hail storm that I have every heard. With a couple of hours of flashing lightening and absurdly melodramatic thunder I continued to follow my hero’s bloody trail across the dusty, dry sea beds of the dying planet. At some points it was almost as if my reading was directing the choreography of the storm!

Within months of his arrival on the dying planet John Carter has killed a vast amount of the indigenous life; evaded being eaten by various multi appendage monsters; united warring factions that had been mutually antagonistic for millennia; fallen in love and won a Princess of Helium; been made a high ranking chief in the horde he first met and learned the language. There is obviously nothing like a nineteenth century Virginian Gentleman for integrating fully into a non human extra terrestrial society!

The stories are dreadful and yet strangely compelling and I can’t really pretend that I was reading them to use their narratives and character portrayals as some sort of comment on the first two decades of the twentieth century when they were first published. They are ‘rattling good yarns’ with clunking plots and audaciously predictable twists. The characters are paper thin and everything seems to be settled by violence. The central character of John Carter is presented to the reader as a sort of modern day Viking, heroic of proportion and subject to a recurring form of blood lust – but with a gentle side which shows itself in the way he trains his monstrous beast companions.

The books were published between 1914 and 1922 and from the evidence on the internet they are still widely read. The turbulent times are certainly reflected in the action of the novels and the constant struggle for equilibrium, the bringing together of nations and the heartfelt plea to live in peace all have clear resonances in the chaos which marked these years. It is perhaps facile to attribute earthly national characteristics to the various green, white and red nations on Mars but it is almost overwhelmingly tempting and not very difficult to do!

Perhaps the most interesting book in the series is ‘The Gods of Mars’ which describes the mythic religion which is established on Mars and demonstrates the falsity of its basis showing how the corrupt priestly caste had used credulity and superstition to establish the religion and then live in spectacular institutionalized hypocrisy. John Carter is, of course, the motivating character who is instrumental in showing up the lies of the religion and destroying its hold on the planet.

I suppose that the hypocrisy of institutionalized religion is a fairly easy target and there are, after all, shocking numbers of flamboyant charlatan religious characters to choose ranging from some of the more rumbustiously worldly and lascivious popes to the sadly human prostitute haunting High Life living tele-evangelists of the present day. ‘The Gods of Mars’ still makes interesting reading even if one does feel that what one is reading in the literary equivalent of the Saturday morning serials which used to run in cinemas when I was a schoolboy.

Not, of course that I went to the cinema on Saturday morning. My school was The Cardiff High School for Boys. This institution should not be confused with the present Cardiff High School which has merely appropriated the name of what used to be a pair of highly selective single sex grammar schools and affixed it to a renamed school in a comfortably middle class catchment area.

The ‘real’ Cardiff High had lessons on a Saturday morning in emulation of the minor public schools which comprised much of our fixture lists. This means that for the whole time that I was in secondary school my family could never go away for a weekend on a Friday evening. On the plus side it did mean that in my first year I had games on a Monday afternoon and then I had Tuesday and Thursday afternoons ‘off.’ From the second year onwards we had games either on a Tuesday or a Thursday afternoon with the other being ‘free.’

It was only when I started teaching that I found that I was expected to go to school five days a week and all day! A salutary experience and something I had not done since the age of eleven.

It is hardly surprising therefore with this signal lack of the staple ‘with a mighty bound he was free’ type of entertainment in my youth that I should turn to it with more studied relish in my ‘maturity.’

I fear that I shall find that I have but scratched the surface of the library of Mars stories of Edgar Rice Burroughs and that a whole shelf of further adventures of John Carter will be lurking somewhere in the electronic universe waiting for me to download.

I hope there aren't too many!

Soup glorious soup!

Soup is such a trying dish.

Don’t misunderstand me, I like soup. True, in a restaurant one always has the vague feeling that the soup is the cheaper choice and the restaurateur laughs all the way to his bank account when he sees patrons happily drinking hot water that he can produce by the bucketful for a few cents. But it does taste good and on a winter’s day what is there better than nourishing, hot soup?

It is perhaps a reflection on the way that I was brought up that, from my experience, soup offers so many opportunities for the solecisms that terrified my mother.

So many things could and usually did go wrong. Soup is a watery, mine strewn plunge pool for the socially inept.

I was always sternly told, with a seriousness that I can still not really understand, that soup was always ‘eaten’ never ‘drunk.’

True, it was rarely offered in a cup when attending a formal meal, but I couldn’t help noticing that my favourite soups were quite clearly liquid with the ostensible eponymous vegetable or meat fibre having been reduced to a silky flowing consistency negating the necessity of chewing. Surely ‘drinking’ was the more obvious activity in its consumption. Such linguistic cavils were regarded as contumacy and were rejected as being merely mischievous.

More adventurous soups like minestrone with interesting bits in them which did necessitate some gentle chewing were seen as reinforcing the ‘eating’ aspect and showing the way for the more namby pamby soups which lacked the muscular viscosity of a true dish of food.

And this philosophical speculation was before you had picked up your spoon and started the socially hazardous process of eating the stuff!

The fact that the menu del dia in my corner restaurant offered soup as the only choice for the first course gave me ample opportunity to revisit my memories of the various prohibitions from my youth.

The restaurant provided baguette already cut into chunky slices. This precluded those lewd fellows of a baser sort from committing the ultimate crime of cutting their bread roll with a knife. I did this as a small child in a restaurant and my mother had the self control to wait until we got home before I was told to Never Do That Again. The knife by my plate I was told was there to allow me to spread butter on the roll which I would have broken in my hands. This was presented to me as one of the unalterable laws to question which would bring about the Fall of Humankind and bring lasting opprobrium on my poor self.

We still, you will note, have not tasted the soup.

The next obstacle was to find the soup spoon. In later years I was told that it was terribly lower middle class to have soup spoons at all (and fish knives and forks and pastry forks) and that dessert spoons were perfectly sufficient for soup – but the finer details of ‘U’ and ‘Non-U’ always left me behind; the jam/conserve controversy confused me and I invariably chose the wrong one in polite society!

Finding the soup spoon (because we were lower middle class) was usually not a problem using the old ‘start from the outside and work in’ principle when it came to cutlery laid out for you.

The real problem with the spoon was how to hold it. Luckily this was not a problem for me as I was told very distinctly how to hold it in a ‘fountain pen’ grip. But not a grip, more of a light balance.

With broken bread and balanced spoon you were now ready to begin the process of eating the soup. Under no circumstances whatsoever and especially if alone, could you blow on the soup to cool it. It might after all be gazpaco or Vichyssoise and the social humiliation of cooling the already cold might well be considered irreparable.

Soup should be taken on to the spoon by drawing the spoon gently away from the diner. At no time should be metal of the spoon touch the sides of the bowl. If you were so inept as to make a scraping sound taking up the soup then you might as well go the whole hog and simply tip the dish into your open mouth!

As the soup approached your mouth the only acceptable way of eating the stuff was to sip from the side of the spoon. Sipping did not mean slurping. To slurp was to put yourself beyond the pale of civilized life. Putting the whole spoon in your mouth was the cultural equivalent of spitting and putting your feet on the table.

As the level of soup slowly decreased (assuming you had managed to master all the necessary techniques to allow your continued presence at the table) it was allowable for you gently to tip the dish away from yourself and gently spoon up the soup.

Any soup adhering to the bottom of the dish and refusing to acquiesce to the laws of gravity had to be regarded as lost as only the most sensitively adept diners were capable of making the nice calculations which allowed them to use the spoon to gather the remaining drops of soup without scraping.

Having finished the soup (and resisting the urge to lick the spoon clean) the said implement should be placed neatly on the plate on which the soup bowl had been placed. In the absence of a supporting plate then the spoon should be placed at right angles to the diner and slightly off centre if the soup plate is flat rimmed or parallel to the diner if the soup bowl is without flat rim.

The table napkin (never, ever, ever a ‘serviette’) may be used to dab (not wipe) the lips.

At no point is it acceptable to put your elbows on the table.

It’s all quite simple really.

And none of the diners I observed in my local restaurant adhered to those rules. I include myself.

But, obviously, I kept to the most important rules, the essential ones.

And ‘we’ all know which they are.

Magnum opus?

To say that my mammoth (only in terms of time expended) painting of Sitges is nearing completion does not mean that it is finished.

The damn thing greets me each morning as a mute, yet eloquent expression of my artistic ineptitude. And please, I have heard the oft repeated sigh of artists that what they aim for and what they achieve are far apart. At least their hopes and execution are in the same arena; mine are not even in the same galaxy.

The thinnest brush that I possess does not for me produce a thin line of paint. Whatever expectations I have for the colour mixing in which I indulge the results are always a mystifying surprise. Paint just doesn’t go where I want it to go.

Yesterday at lunch in a local restaurant I ate underneath a painting which depicted a river flowing beneath a rustic bridge. The painting was awful. The subject was clichéd; application of paint amateur; the colour unrealistic and garish; the composition formulaic and the whole conception facile and repulsive. It also showed more technical skill in its atrocious description of water that I can even begin to emulate.

I love the physicality of paint: the actual three dimensional presence on a canvas in the swirls of pigment. The tactile quality of Van Gogh appeals to me strongly in the almost sculpted effect that he achieves not only in his landscapes and flower paintings but also in his portraits. The social comment obvious in a painting like ‘The Potato Eaters’ is made more immediate by the almost child-like application of paint, intensifying the pathos of the scene by a grotesque cartoon-like quality.

I manage to achieve the ‘grotesque’ and ‘cartoon-like’ but miss out on the effect!

Whatever my inability I will soon have to cope with the double edged present of a LARGE canvass for my name day. I have decided to follow the cynical comment of O´Keefe who said that she chose flowers for her subject matter because, “I hate flowers. I paint them because they’re cheaper than models and they don’t move.” There is a wonderful Hockney painting which looks as though it was inspired by a Maplethorpe photograph which I think I might take as my inspiration. As I recall most of the painting is plainish background which I think I could make a case for being of a ‘Japanese simplicity and starkness.’

So I reckon an orchid from Lidl, numerous photographs and a fair dose of audacity and I’m away!

I still await my Christmas present of Photoshop Elements which I hope will allow me to get away with much more in my photography than I ever hope to in painting.

My stated aim is to produce a reasonable photograph of a breaking wave and, having seen what Ian (the professional photographer upstairs) can do with photographs of the tame ripples that we usually get on the shore I am determined to emulate him.

You will notice that the significant word ‘professional’ in the previous sentence has been completely ignored by my good self and that blindness has left me brimming with the shining self confidence that has learned nothing from painful forays into the world of acrylic art.

This morning was the first Spanish lesson of the new term. It took the form of a two hour conversation about the effects of majority and minority languages. Catalan is an ever present bone of linguistic contention for the Spanish and other foreigners (as Catalans would see their fellow citizens and outsiders) and it is worried at on a daily basis. Spanish is much more widely heard in Castelldefels because of the number of immigrants in the area. Many of them are Spanish speakers, but do not speak Catalan.

Employment in certain jobs in Catalonia is restricted to those who speak both Spanish and Catalan fluently and education for the very young is confined to Catalan. Spanish is sometimes given the same, but no greater status in schools as the teaching of English! Which is odd when only one of those languages is ‘Official.’

I am obviously in favour of as many people as possible speaking the tongue of Shakespeare, Conrad, Dylan Thomas and me.

Since I have talked about Van Gogh, O’Keefe, Hockney and Maplethorpe in connection with my ‘art’ it only seems fair to drop a few other names to match my pretension in the world of the written word!

Where is my camera!

The Problem With Pasta

Life, as someone almost remarked, is too short to make ravioli.

It is invariably disappointing and the contents, whatever they purport to be, taste of nothing. I have glanced at recipe books and considered making ravioli and then dismissed it as being far too fiddly for far too little taste. Doctor Johnson’s sentiments about cucumber (with which I do not agree) could rightly be applied to the doughy disaster that ravioli so often becomes.

Having chosen the fresh pasta starter in my menu Del dia it was therefore with something approaching dismay that I saw the large crinkled envelopes languishing in some sort of orange sauce. They were filled with what I took to be my parents’ purgatory.

It was spinach.

As a child I eschewed all cooked leafy greens with the exception of the one leafy green neither of my parents could abide: spinach. They could have eaten this pasta with relish as it had no taste whatsoever of the fondly remembered vegetable.

I do not want you to get the idea that I was a picky child. All peas and beans (garden, processed, marrow, broad, runner and baked) were eaten by me with gusto. Indeed, those of you familiar with my enthusiastic attempts at culinary inventiveness will realise that this infantile approbation still beats on in the pulses that I will add in an instant to any concoction lacking what I consider a certain je ne sait quoi.

Luckily the addition of parmesan created a more than acceptable sauce when added to the savoury flavoured liquid surrounding the serrated squares so I was able to eat them with something approaching relish. Also they were served with the flair of Tachism as some unidentified form of oleaginous sauce had been artistically thrown on part of the rim of the dish giving the thing the look of a production from an avant garde potter chef from the 1950s.

And if any of you are still with me at this point I will stop writing like that. You see what happens when I read through a single almost perfect story by E F Benson! His style (or a pastiche of it) is very catching!

I am reading a collection of his short stores called, ‘The Countess of Lowndes Square’ and Benson has thoughtfully divided up his stories into categories so that his readers will be spared “a skipping hunt through pages in which they feel no personal interest.” The categories are Blackmailing Stories, General Stories, Spook Stories, Cat Stories and Crank Stories: an interesting exemplification of who Benson thinks his readers might be!

‘The Oriolists’ (one of his General Stories) concerns a group of people who invent a character to frustrate the vulgar ambitions of a society hostess. The concept is simple but the execution through Benson’s wicked prose is a delight, it catches the tone of social nicety that informs so many of Benson’s books. Social striving which oversteps the mark is his constant target but a target for which he shows far too much understanding of nuance to be an objective observer!

The finest expression of this ambiguity is seen in his Mapp and Lucia stories and if you haven’t read them then I urge you to do so. The unbelievable television series (which I still, having seen it, find faintly incredible) with the extraordinary combined acting talents of Nigel Hawthorne as Georgie Pillson; Prunella Scales as Miss Mapp and Geraldine McEwan as Lucia is a triumph of something that ought to be unfilmable. It is, or at least it should be still, available on video or DVD. Watch it. But the books are so much more even that a superlative television adaptation. Enjoy!

And the sun is shining!

Pulses are pests

Although I am getting know the little seasonal quirks of Catalonia, sometimes the details pass me by.

Today was Kings. Yesterday the three of them arrived in all reasonably sized towns and made their way in procession through the streets throwing sweets at the children who lined the route. Today I made my way from the warmth of sea side Castelldefels to the cold of Terrassa for lunch.

The lunch was delicious as usual but the important part was in the sweet. This comprised the traditional Roscón de Rey which is circular bread like cake with a hole in the middle. It is sliced across the centre and cream is spread between the two rings. The outside of the loaf/cake is decorated with crystallized fruit to stand for the jewels in the crowns of the wise men and the centre hole also contains a cardboard crown for the King of the meal.

This is where it gets interesting. Inside the cake are secreted a number of carefully wrapped objects and finding one is either quaint and interesting or expensive. The little objects we found in our Roscón included a tiny china duck, ditto tiger and ditto a disturbing oval faced girl. These are the interesting objects. There are two important ones to find: a king and a broad bean.

Finding the king means that you are king of the table and you are entitled to wear the crown. Though if you have a three year old child the chances of usurpation are 100% - though in this case the legitimate owner did eventually get a chance to wear the thing.

The tiny china broad bean is bad news. This little gift means that you are the person who will have to pay for the Roscón next year. I had not realized this and upon finding the king (a thoroughly repulsive and sinister looking little thing) in my chocolate cream I assumed that the gift would have to be mine. There was a general lightening of the atmosphere as soon as the broad bean was found and people helped themselves to seconds!

The meal was tainted for me by the weather conditions outside: it actually started snowing! The rest of the family were excited and wrapped up to go out and take photos of themselves with snow flakes on dark apparel.

I was thoroughly disgusted: the quid pro quo for my feet touching the earth of Catalonia was that the rest of my body would be bathed in almost continuous sunshine (at least during the daylight hours) and adverse weather conditions would be left behind me in Britain. I graciously allowed that snow could, if need be, virtually obliterate the Pyrenees but Castelldefels and immediate hinterland were to be kept warm.

I drove back through sleet, but my car thermometer rallied my spirits by slowly but positively rising as I neared the sea shore. The temperature in Castelldefels was double that in Terrassa – which sounds good but actually disguises the fact that Terrassa was a snowy, sleeting 2 degrees and Castelldefels was a torrid 4 degrees, but at least it was only raining here!

I have now completed the reading of E F Benson’s novel ‘Michael’. This is an odd little tome which concerns the progress of an unprepossessing member of the aristocracy who defies his father’s wishes and turns to a life in music. It was published in 1916 in the middle of the First World War and the action of the novel takes place before the start of the conflict and ends with a situation of mawkishly sentimental morality when the hero is invalided out after being wounded in the trenches.

The novel has little of the lightness of touch which makes the Mapp and Lucia novels by Benson as absolute delight to read and its seriousness grates because the narrative is so contrived. Two of the essential coincidences of the story are so astonishingly awful that you shudder as you read and as soon as War is declared you know what the second coincidence is going to be!

I know that life is full of the most impossible coincidences; things happen that no writer would have the bare faced gall to dare to put in a novel (unless he was Dickens of course) and hope to get away with it. If you want to hear totally unbelievable coincidence stories I suggest that you ask hard contact lens wearers to tell you tales of losing and finding lenses. I have heard stories about contact lenses that make Dickensian coincidence look as casual as F R Leavis after the gas attack. I have heard a few stories so fantastic that the only reason I have given them any credibility at all is because I have been telling them!

Benson is no Dickens, he isn’t even an F R Levis (though he is funnier) and his novel cannot sustain its intent after his manhandled plot. He does manage a few interesting character sketches and he does articulate a response to Britain’s state of unprepared ness at the start of the war and he illustrates the ethos that Britons liked to think that they were personifying in the struggle. ‘Michael’ is more of an historical curiosity than a literary gem.

One time the writing does come alive in when Benson is trying to express just how life affirming Michael’s use of music is and then Benson’s musical descriptions sound on the page. The other place in the novel which has a sinister effectiveness is when Michael is in the trenches: a hard, unpolished reality for a moment gives this novel gravitas before it slips into mere sentimentality. Still worth a read. But the Mapp and Lucia stories are a must!

I am writing this in a delicious silence, broken only by the sound of the waves - and a passing plane if I have to be strictly honest. The neighbours above, below and sideward have all departed to lead their ‘other’ lives in the city, leaving us seaside folk to our littoral lives.

Even a cup of tea tastes better when the sound of silence is yourself.

So I’ll have one!

Changing times

“I’ll meet you in an hour in the Wedgwood Room in Howells.”

My trips to the centre of Cardiff with my mother with myself either as companion and baggage handler or forced driver and baggage handler were always sweetened by a period of liberty when I could wander from book shop to book shop losing myself in the printed word until nagging guilt brought me back to reality and the rendezvous point.

In those distant days the Wedgwood Room in Howells occupied the ground floor next to the entrance from the Hayes: a prime position whose location, I have been told by a store manager is determined by how much a department makes. Sometimes I would be early and I would wander around picking up plates and cut glass and being deeply shocked by the prices. But I think it was part of my mother’s master plan for my development that I should constantly have the image of decent glass and china in my mind when I made my own purchases in the future.

God knows that training has worked. It is only by a stern effort of will that I am able to ignore the blandishments of a well set out display of crockery in a shop and it takes an equal unnatural concentration not to turn over the plates and look at the makers mark when I go to someone else’s house. I have to content myself by looking at their books on display instead to work out just what they are like!

So my childhood was dominated by Wedgwood – not that we ate off it at home, but it remained a clear pointer for domestic rectitude if funds allowed. I bought my mother Jasper Ware for some of her birthdays and Christmas including, I remember, a tea cup. Drinking tea from that item was a most unpleasant experience and it remained as decoration rather than use. I varied the Jasper Ware with cut glass. My mother developed a taste for Seagers’ Australian sherry (which was, as I remember 7/6d a bottle – a price I have no intention of translating into modern money as it is far too depressing) and she used to drink her tipple from one of my cut glasses. Not that I think of it the cost of the glass could have bought a couple of gallons of the ‘sherry’!

I can see some of the survivors of that era glittering in the afternoon sun adding distinction to a shelf not far from where I am writing.

And now this essential piece of my childhood memory and adulthood snobbery has reached crisis point. Wedgwood and Waterford have called in the receivers!

The company that employed William Blake to produce engravings of pottery outlines for their catalogues; the company which considered the workers as people and whose founders were always motivated by a strong streak of philanthropy; the name that made Etruria famous; a Wedgwood marrying Darwin; the key name in the Potteries; history, culture, ideas and an iconic mark – and now in the hands of the receivers!

I can see now why we were forced to learn Tennyson:

“The old order changeth, yielding place to new, Lest one good custom should corrupt the world.”
(from Morte D’Arthur)

Another strut is knocked away supporting the tunnel into the past!

They will be saying next that The Profumo Affair didn’t happen and it was all as innocent as a game of tennis!

But I have a feeling that scandal will remain in my memory as one of the most interesting, confusing, mystifying, exciting and intriguing public displays of mendacity, prurience, unwholesome glee, hypocrisy and good old sex that a twelve year old boy could have wished for in his adolescent development!

Beats crockery anyway!

The good, the bad and the filmic!

Sometime, doesn’t it just seem that the world is striving simply to put you in your place?

I have, with total justification, been railing against the obstreperous jollifications of our neighbours with their drinking and smoking on the balcony and talking through their shameless activities at the top of their voices. Their unpardonable sin of having vocal children and yapping rat-dogs and allowing them to display their anti social inclinations has been intolerable.

Their loathsome progeny are old enough to drive and they have parked their car in the space that I use to back into to get out of the garage. The space filled, it is an infinitely more complex manoeuvre to get out of the bloody place. And believe you me parking spaces under Spanish flats make sardine tins look positively spacious.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that were my mother to have lived in such a flat she would have sold her car within a couple of days! We are talking of a woman who, having made a wrong turning in the centre of Cardiff once drove to Penarth before she felt that she had enough room and confidence to turn around and come home to Rumney!

I have composed impromptu ditties (sung with gusto in the shower) about the neighbours' rat-dogs catching all the more popular diseases which would have meant their instant death, and I have thought longingly about that much misunderstood humanitarian Herod.

It was therefore with more than usual delight that I noticed that the noisy neighbours had taken in the seat covers off the balcony chairs. This is an invariable sign that they are quitting the place and returning to their normal habitation. In celebration of their departure I went out to hire a DVD and get some taramasalata.

I get my taramasalata from an Indian run Greek restaurant which serves Turkish food and each time I have bought it my request has created turmoil as they try and understand what it is I want. I have learned to ask for ‘red sauce of the fish’ (in Spanish of course) which works. My first request for ‘taramasalata’ resulted in total chaos!

I returned form my visit to the local shops with the latest Batman movie (of which more anon) my taramasalata and a warm feeling of anticipation of a quiet night with a good film and a bottle of wine. Rioja of course, and part of my Christmas present.

Imagine then my chagrin when returning to the flat after a foray for bread I found two pot plants lurking outside the door. My next door neighbours who were in the process of departing wished me a Happy New Year and the lady (who by this time was at the bottom of the stairs and virtually into the garage) informed me that she had left the two plants there and they did not like direct sunlight!

Through a clenched smile I wished her a Happy New Year and engaged in light chatter about the value of the pound these days.

How bad to do think I felt accepting these gracious gifts after all the bad thoughts that had accompanied their stay?

The answer to that question depends on how well you know me. Few people, with even a passing knowledge of my character, would assume that there would be a heavy weight of guilt. Those who know me better will merely wait to hear the reasons why not every a feather of blame should attach to my ignoble thoughts.

The poinsettia is a Christmas flower and not one associated with the New Year. The two flower pots were decorated with Christmas bows. The woman’s children had been staying with her. From those clues I deduce that she had been given the plants as a guilt offering from her children and she had palmed them off on me because she did not want to take them back to town with her. I was, therefore, nothing more than a convenient dust bin. I might also point out that today is a Sunday and the local florist is not open. Also, the pots are suspiciously light as if they had not been watered since they had been given as a gift and they are also surrounded by gold wrapping paper which has been gathered at the base of the plant stems which makes watering difficult.

A pretty convincing case I feel. And little enough reparation for the damage to my nerves as the communal chatter went on long into the night!

Alternatively I might be entirely wrong and I am theorising about a thoroughly generous, kind thought.

Anyway turning to the latest Batman film, The Dark Knight (2008) directed by Christopher Nolan and written by Christopher Nolan and Jonathan Nolan. Yes, it is too long and yes, there are a few possible endings before the final one and yes, it is self indulgent – but what a superb film!

Let me get my itches of irritation out of the way first. It is impossible to watch the perfectly creditable performance of Sir Michael Caine as Alfred without thinking that all of his lines could have been delivered with more finesse and deeper meaning and style by Michael Gough. The second point was the crassness of the script which had Rachel say wistfully at the departing Harvey Dent something like, “We make our own luck.” This nullified the gentle audience knowledge that Harvey’s coin was double headed, we didn’t need it reinforced.

The most damming flaw in the story line is on the ferries. By now most people who are going to see the film have seen it so my spoiler here is going to have minimal effect. Does anyone seriously believe that having the opportunity to make the final choice between one boat full of decent citizens being saved and the boat full of criminals being saved that the people in both boats wouldn’t have been fighting over the right to blow the other up? Big Brother, Strictly Come Dancing and other game shows have encouraged the population to vote for destruction, we are programmed to push the button!

However, forget all that. This is a wonderful film. Heath Ledger is compulsively watchable; Gary Oldman steals every scene he is in by his sheer professionalism; Christian Bale is content to take second place to the dictates of the narrative and all are bound together by a genuinely stimulating script. The bangs and flashes and gadgets are all as good as one would expect and are subordinated to the necessities of the story line.

There are moments of real emotion, or at least an emotional response from a man whose mother used to cry at Andrex toilet roll commercials!

An evening with a decent bottle of wine, Cune, Rioja, 2004, Crianza; a decent film and the departure of noisy neighbours.

Bliss!